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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  3. #991
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    I'm just so tired of these pot calling the kettle black types--and we have a lot. Some think their kids should be exempt from reading & math assessments--and they call folks in & from the southern states stupid & ignorant.

    I lived most of my life in Florida. I finally snapped & decided my husband should buy in his own name only when my trainee made a pejorative remark about "stupid, backwards people in places like Atlanta ".

    I have numerous relatives & friends there, including a family law attorney & retired police officer, & have always felt welcome there. Some mush for brains whose never even been there is going to insult them?

    I'm just tired of being someplace where I'm regarded as second class because I didn't grow up or go to school near here.
    Sponge, my experience with buying a home was that it caused me to sweat the biggest bullets I've ever sweat in my life. For me, it was a major life changing thing, because it is a huge financial investment. Having said that, other people seem to buy and sell houses all the time without a problem. Again, for me, it was because I wanted an "always" house/home. We rented for years, and moved around a lot. I was ready to settle down in one place and stay there. The house we bought was not my "dream house", but it was good enough, and we have been here almost 25 years.

    If I had it to do over again, I would NOT have bought a home in Alabama, but would have bought in Florida. While Florida does have higher property taxes, they don't have State Income Tax, and they don't tax groceries. They also have better BCBS Health Insurance, and much better hospitals and doctors. Lots more good reasons to live in FL vs AL, but the ones I listed are the first to come to mind.

    Then there is the thing of being from Florida, my home State, and I miss it so much. There is the old saying, "To thine own self be true", and I am glad that you are reaching out for that. Follow your heart, do what feels right for you. You will never regret listening to your "gut feeling". Go with it, and trust it. Don't feel like you have to do something that is not your heart's desire. Do some research on homes for sale in FL, and see what you can find.

    Nothing is perfect, of course, and there will always be problems to deal with. But if you are at least in a place where you feel welcome, a place where you can relax and feel at home, that will give you an enormous source of joy and contentment, and the strength you need to overcome whatever future problems might come up. Just my 2 cents, of course, and based on my own mistakes when choosing where to buy and where to live.



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    Just wanted to pat myself on the back tonight- I didn't give in to my mom's baiting, held my own, and didn't give the reaction she was looking for during a fight.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Just wanted to pat myself on the back tonight- I didn't give in to my mom's baiting, held my own, and didn't give the reaction she was looking for during a fight.
    Good for you! (Thums up emoticon am on phone right now)

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    I'm leading stretching exercises at department meetings at my job. It's something I enjoy doing, but we're getting overflow work & not even a temporary for help, so I'm trying for another position from within. Just celebrated 20 years there.

    Am going through my own unwanted health problem which, for women after 45 (can't vouch for the men), worsens due to certain biochemical changes. Was incapacitated with it & had to call out a few nights ago.

    Those of you who get migraines, just skip the primary care physicians & head straight for a neurologist. I should have done this years ago. They're the only ones who understand that it isn't just a headache, but an entire body process, & it can be incapacitating.

    So I got a dose increase of an anti seizure drug as a preventive & am temporarily on a form of Prednisone to stop the inflammatory process that can lead to that. (Crossing fingers)

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Just wanted to pat myself on the back tonight- I didn't give in to my mom's baiting, held my own, and didn't give the reaction she was looking for during a fight.
    Good for you! Remember this for the next time!
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  17. #996
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    I'm leading stretching exercises at department meetings at my job. It's something I enjoy doing, but we're getting overflow work & not even a temporary for help, so I'm trying for another position from within. Just celebrated 20 years there.

    Am going through my own unwanted health problem which, for women after 45 (can't vouch for the men), worsens due to certain biochemical changes. Was incapacitated with it & had to call out a few nights ago.

    Those of you who get migraines, just skip the primary care physicians & head straight for a neurologist. I should have done this years ago. They're the only ones who understand that it isn't just a headache, but an entire body process, & it can be incapacitating.

    So I got a dose increase of an anti seizure drug as a preventive & am temporarily on a form of Prednisone to stop the inflammatory process that can lead to that. (Crossing fingers)
    Sponge, wishing you the best, as always. I've had a few migraines in my life, but never an ongoing thing. So I know a little of your suffering, but only a little. I know they can be debilitating. If it ever comes to it (hopefully not) would the migraines qualify you for disability? I know that's not something you would want, but I hope it's a choice if it ever comes to that.



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    Quote Originally Posted by HeyJude View Post
    Sponge, wishing you the best, as always. I've had a few migraines in my life, but never an ongoing thing. So I know a little of your suffering, but only a little. I know they can be debilitating. If it ever comes to it (hopefully not) would the migraines qualify you for disability? I know that's not something you would want, but I hope it's a choice if it ever comes to that.
    "If it ever comes to it (hopefully not) would the migraines qualify you for disability?"

    Strictly for a cover my but to avoid being penalized for excessive call outs, or intermittent leave of absence. I don't get the ones that would make me open to stroke, fortunately.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    "If it ever comes to it (hopefully not) would the migraines qualify you for disability?"

    Strictly for a cover my but to avoid being penalized for excessive call outs, or intermittent leave of absence. I don't get the ones that would make me open to stroke, fortunately.
    It's not easy to qualify for disability benefits based solely on migraine headaches, but you can get approved if you have a well-documented history of persistent, severe migraines that substantially interfere with your daily life.
    You can have a hundred buddies but you will only ever have a couple damn good friends

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Reviving this thread because I think some good discussions have gone on here


    I used to be suicidal, but I think I've finally kicked it. It (well, that and the depression-anxiety loop) is a terrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sometimes in life, we get stuck, or stressed, and get tunnel vision, feeling like there's no way out. But that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Depression comes and goes. I was hospitalized once for suicidal ideation two years ago, and thought I'd hit rock bottom then. But when things get stressful, it's difficult to push the thoughts away sometimes. But when that happens I've learned to look around me at some of the things that make life wonderful- from good relationships, to the changing of seasons, to the day-to-day joys I experience. And think about how if I acted on it, how it would affect those around me.
    Good for you FH. Suicide is almost always a permanent solution to a temporary problem and as such the wrong answer.

    Virtually everyone has value and worth whether others can see it and no matter how hard you have to dig to find it in yourself.

    Nothing I know of helps depression as much as surrounding yourself by positive people.
    Don't Blame Me I voted for Cruz! Without the 1st & 2nd Amendments the rest of The Constitution is meaningless
    THE DEFICIT

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    I need to think more like Wild Rose and some of you others in here.

    I am coming face to face with the long term effects of traumatic brain injury in my son. It is heartbreaking to see someone fight so hard to live and recover but not be able to get where he needs to be. The part of the brain he needs to get there was blown out and gone forever. There is no replacement parts or additional therapy that can help it. No medical procedures or anything. All that has been exhausted at this point and things are going downhill. We have been told by the medical people that it is now what it is. It's bad.

    Even with my faith in God I have never felt this hopeless. I just wanted to get that off my chest
    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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    I just came across this last night, jwil. I found it to be most uplifting. I hope it blesses you as well.
    Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by jerks.


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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    I need to think more like Wild Rose and some of you others in here.

    I am coming face to face with the long term effects of traumatic brain injury in my son. It is heartbreaking to see someone fight so hard to live and recover but not be able to get where he needs to be. The part of the brain he needs to get there was blown out and gone forever. There is no replacement parts or additional therapy that can help it. No medical procedures or anything. All that has been exhausted at this point and things are going downhill. We have been told by the medical people that it is now what it is. It's bad.

    Even with my faith in God I have never felt this hopeless. I just wanted to get that off my chest
    Saying my prayers for you guys. How are Mitch's son & stepdaughter?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Saying my prayers for you guys. How are Mitch's son & stepdaughter?
    Thank you for your prayers and support. Not just now but over the years.

    They are doing well. We all spent a week down at the beach last week and it was fun for the kids. Pa Pa has a sore back but that's ok
    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  37. #1004
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    I need to think more like Wild Rose and some of you others in here.

    I am coming face to face with the long term effects of traumatic brain injury in my son. It is heartbreaking to see someone fight so hard to live and recover but not be able to get where he needs to be. The part of the brain he needs to get there was blown out and gone forever. There is no replacement parts or additional therapy that can help it. No medical procedures or anything. All that has been exhausted at this point and things are going downhill. We have been told by the medical people that it is now what it is. It's bad.

    Even with my faith in God I have never felt this hopeless. I just wanted to get that off my chest
    Saying prayers for you and your family, Jeff. I've been listening to a Christian radio station called "BBN". They are worldwide, translated in 8 different languages. They have a prayer time every day. People call in to request prayer, and then the announcer will list all of the prayer requests. It's very possible to have thousands and thousands of people praying for you, people from all over the world, if you call in to request prayer.

    Also, they have many speakers who deal with the subject of suffering. People like Joni Erickson Tada (paralyzed since the age of 17), Elizabeth Elliot (whose missionary husband was murdered). And many others. I myself struggle with the suffering so many of us face, and it helps me, encourages me, to listen to these people dealing with suffering. Elizabeth Elliot, in particular, a very intelligent lady, has a way of taking these huge problems and finding practical ways of dealing with them. For example, on a recent program, she stressed the importance of "doing the next thing". Whatever that "next thing" might be, even something as ordinary as combing our hair, or eating breakfast.

    Here's a link to their site, if you are interested. http://www.bbnradio.org/



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    Quote Originally Posted by The Girl from Ipanema View Post
    I just came across this last night, jwil. I found it to be most uplifting. I hope it blesses you as well.
    Great video, TGFI, thanks for posting it. I have recently become aware of the faithfulness of God, and it is very comforting. In the midst of my doubts, my fears, my hopelessness, my anxiety about the future, I've suddenly realized how faithful He has been all along. That, regardless of me and my worries, even my lack of faith, He continues to care for me and provide for me through it all. It's been an amazing journey. God is so great and so good. He doesn't prevent our suffering, but uses our suffering to draw us closer to Him.



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