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  1. #1
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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  3. #1156
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    I pray this is better by now
    Thanks. But no.

    I’ve held out for as long as I could so our daughter could enjoy both parents.

    And I know she’s wanted a house like many of her classmates. But I really don’t think that’s such a wise decision.

    It doesn’t help that I really don’t like the Commonwealth. Good God, I’ve never met so many people who want so much something for so much nothing.

    Property ownership with someone nothing in common is shared & no mutual goals or desires are there is probably not wise.

    I’m a renter with a sixth grader because she’s doing well academically & not in the single digit years to be readjusting & making new friends.

    I’m just not sure how long I can hold out without being a complete nut. I’m more conservative. I like dofs & cats. I’m pretty alone here where there are no others like me.

    Hopefully by the time my daughter finishes high school I can be finished with this part of the country & with her father & never see the region again. Thanks for asking though.

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  5. #1157
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Thanks. But no.

    I’ve held out for as long as I could so our daughter could enjoy both parents.

    And I know she’s wanted a house like many of her classmates. But I really don’t think that’s such a wise decision.

    It doesn’t help that I really don’t like the Commonwealth. Good God, I’ve never met so many people who want so much something for so much nothing.

    Property ownership with someone nothing in common is shared & no mutual goals or desires are there is probably not wise.

    I’m a renter with a sixth grader because she’s doing well academically & not in the single digit years to be readjusting & making new friends.

    I’m just not sure how long I can hold out without being a complete nut. I’m more conservative. I like dofs & cats. I’m pretty alone here where there are no others like me.

    Hopefully by the time my daughter finishes high school I can be finished with this part of the country & with her father & never see the region again. Thanks for asking though.
    I am so sorry to hear that. I am still praying for you. Hang in there as best you can sis.

    God bless you
    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  8. #1158
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Thanks. But no.

    I’ve held out for as long as I could so our daughter could enjoy both parents.

    And I know she’s wanted a house like many of her classmates. But I really don’t think that’s such a wise decision.

    It doesn’t help that I really don’t like the Commonwealth. Good God, I’ve never met so many people who want so much something for so much nothing.

    Property ownership with someone nothing in common is shared & no mutual goals or desires are there is probably not wise.

    I’m a renter with a sixth grader because she’s doing well academically & not in the single digit years to be readjusting & making new friends.

    I’m just not sure how long I can hold out without being a complete nut. I’m more conservative. I like dofs & cats. I’m pretty alone here where there are no others like me.

    Hopefully by the time my daughter finishes high school I can be finished with this part of the country & with her father & never see the region again. Thanks for asking though.
    Hang in there, SpongeBob!
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  11. #1159
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    Quote Originally Posted by wonderingrover View Post
    Well, had my doctor appointment today. Now, I've got to have an MRI done and see a neurologist as well. When the Dr. was looking over my old MRI from the stroke, he said that one area of damage could potentially be causing this. He wants to see if there has been any further damage since, and work with the neurologist before deciding on medication levels and all of that, as the neurological component could play a significant role.
    You and I are in a similar position. I need to see a neurologist too.

    I used a referral service to get one & who I got from them talked a mile a minute, as if she was already on her second pot of coffee. She questioned if anyone considered me “slow “ for my age in reflexes and the way I talked (I had just gotten off work at the time of the appointment).

    The kicker was the regimen she prescribed had me sicker than the amount of anti convulsant prescribed by my primary care physician, & she couldn’t even be bothered to sign some paperwork for intermittent leave of absence from my job.

    I’m getting a referral from my doctor as I had to be back in the E R yesterday. Health problems can be burdensome to one’s morale.

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  13. #1160
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    Well, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. I’dbeen meaning to speak with a consultant about retirement savings.

    I have an account but hadn’t saved the fully recommended amount. Finally got around to doing that Monday.

    It’s just a little bit more I need to be putting aside, & he also gave me an option for a college fund for my daughter.

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  15. #1161

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    You and I are in a similar position. I need to see a neurologist too.

    I used a referral service to get one & who I got from them talked a mile a minute, as if she was already on her second pot of coffee. She questioned if anyone considered me “slow “ for my age in reflexes and the way I talked (I had just gotten off work at the time of the appointment).

    The kicker was the regimen she prescribed had me sicker than the amount of anti convulsant prescribed by my primary care physician, & she couldn’t even be bothered to sign some paperwork for intermittent leave of absence from my job.

    I’m getting a referral from my doctor as I had to be back in the E R yesterday. Health problems can be burdensome to one’s morale.
    I hope your doctor can get you hooked up with a good neurologist. This stuff is complicated to try to resolve. I think I've found a decent one, but we're still having to work to find a good treatment plan. I've been through one medication regimen that didn't really help out, but am hopeful that the new one will. Hang in there - hopefully the doctors can find the right treatment for you.
    Hurricane Donald is now a Category 5. Please take all proper safety measures.

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  18. #1162
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    Quote Originally Posted by wonderingrover View Post
    I hope your doctor can get you hooked up with a good neurologist. This stuff is complicated to try to resolve. I think I've found a decent one, but we're still having to work to find a good treatment plan. I've been through one medication regimen that didn't really help out, but am hopeful that the new one will. Hang in there - hopefully the doctors can find the right treatment for you.
    Best of luck to you, too!

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  20. #1163
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Well, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. I’dbeen meaning to speak with a consultant about retirement savings.

    I have an account but hadn’t saved the fully recommended amount. Finally got around to doing that Monday.

    It’s just a little bit more I need to be putting aside, & he also gave me an option for a college fund for my daughter.
    I am happy to read that "light at the end of the tunnell".

    hang in there tough my friend
    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  23. #1164
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    My very best wishes and prayers for my friends Sponge and Wonderingrover. Yall keep on plugging at it .

    My grandson is 2 years old today. We are going to have a party tomorrow that I am looking forward to. Every time i call his name i think about his uncle Adam who he is named after. One of the greatest things this family has ever done was remember Adam by naming his nephew after him. I know how pleased Adam would be to see that and how much he would love that baby. I have to say sometimes it hurts to think about though. I believe my son Adam lives today through my grandson Adam. That child is so precious. He is now talking in full sentences but i cannot understand all that much. It is obvious that the baby knows what he is saying cause he always gives me that look like he is waiting for my answer. I usually just shake my head and say yes to him cause i don't understand everything. It is both heart warming and heartbreaking sometimes. I am looking forward to that party tomorrow.

    yall hang in there
    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  26. #1165
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    My very best wishes and prayers for my friends Sponge and Wonderingrover. Yall keep on plugging at it .

    My grandson is 2 years old today. We are going to have a party tomorrow that I am looking forward to. Every time i call his name i think about his uncle Adam who he is named after. One of the greatest things this family has ever done was remember Adam by naming his nephew after him. I know how pleased Adam would be to see that and how much he would love that baby. I have to say sometimes it hurts to think about though. I believe my son Adam lives today through my grandson Adam. That child is so precious. He is now talking in full sentences but i cannot understand all that much. It is obvious that the baby knows what he is saying cause he always gives me that look like he is waiting for my answer. I usually just shake my head and say yes to him cause i don't understand everything. It is both heart warming and heartbreaking sometimes. I am looking forward to that party tomorrow.

    yall hang in there
    Aww <3 That's great, Jeff. Best of wishes to you and your family.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  29. #1166
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    This may not be appropriate to share, but to be honest, I've been thinking about self-harming a lot recently. I've only acted on it twice in the last year. I know I get stressed during finals week, but never to this degree. Not even last year when I was recovering from the effects of surgery (both mentally and physically). I just...I just feel like I should punish myself, you know? That I should take responsibility and punish myself for my actions and that those who have mistreated me in the past had every right to do so, and that I'm secretly a bad person, and if anyone got to know me would eventually find out that anything good about me is me wearing a mask, and that my worst qualities are my true colors. I know that sounds outlandish, but that's legit how I am thinking recently. Nightmares have gone away though since my psychiatrist upped my Zoloft, which is good. I seem to be on the right anti-depressants for that. And thanks to the suggestions of you guys here at Hannityland: rewriting the ending, etc.

    On a lighter note, I hope everyone is doing well, especially this holiday season.
    Last edited by FlameHeart; December 11th, 2017 at 10:57 pm.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  31. #1167
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    This may not be appropriate to share, but to be honest, I've been thinking about self-harming a lot recently. I've only acted on it twice in the last year. I know I get stressed during finals week, but never to this degree. Not even last year when I was recovering from the effects of surgery (both mentally and physically). I just...I just feel like I should punish myself, you know? That I should take responsibility and punish myself for my actions and that those who have mistreated me in the past had every right to do so, and that I'm secretly a bad person, and if anyone got to know me would eventually find out that anything good about me is me wearing a mask, and that my worst qualities are my true colors. I know that sounds outlandish, but that's legit how I am thinking recently. Nightmares have gone away though since my psychiatrist upped my Zoloft, which is good. I seem to be on the right anti-depressants for that. And thanks to the suggestions of you guys here at Hannityland: rewriting the ending, etc.

    On a lighter note, I hope everyone is doing well, especially this holiday season.
    I'd much rather you write about your feelings here than harm yourself. After all, isn't that what one of the purposes of this board is?
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  34. #1168
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    I'd much rather you write about your feelings here than harm yourself. After all, isn't that what one of the purposes of this board is?
    True. Maybe I need an oultet to express my emotions?
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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