My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. - Page 80

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  1. #1
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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  3. #1186
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    I have a pretty expensive bill of my own to pay, so went ahead and got the lower cost Novolin for Anabel. In some ways she seems to have improved, like she isn't at her worst. Special food semms to have helped.

    I don't know how much improvement though. Will find out at vet January 9.
    I am glad she seems like she is improving. Hopefully you can get the right combo of medicine and diet for her treatment. Hugs.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  5. #1187
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    In case I am not around anymore I want to wish my fiends in this forum a very Merry Christmas.

    This is a great place for me to vent without having to break down on my family. Lord knows they have been through enough without my complaining. I thank each of you for listening to each other and hopefully we can all find some peace through this. I want you to know that I will be praying for all of you this Christmas, that things will go well with your families and friends. I know some of you do not share my beliefs but i cannot help but speak to the reason we all celebrate Christmas. It is the day i celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. The messiah who was born to die for me and each of you. For those who trust in Him, He will release us from the body of sin and makes us new people, bound to his tenants to serve Him and each other. May he bless each one of you with His mighty power and strength this week and through the new year. Again, thank you for being here for each other, and for me.

    Merry Christmas my friends!! I love you all.
    Hey, don't disappear! Take care of yourself.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  8. #1188
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    I’m still alive.

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  11. #1189
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    I’m still alive.
    And sometimes that is the best you can do.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    I’m still alive.
    Yes sir you are. I'm glad and happy about that Nick

    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    Hey, don't disappear! Take care of yourself.
    I should have said, "not around until after the holidays". I was way to busy with my grandkids to play on the internet.

    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  18. #1192
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    I think i have told you guys about my dog Smokey. he got even worse over the holidays so I thought when he went to the vet yesterday they would want to put him down. They said that Smokey had colitis and gave him some medicine. he is still with us!!!

    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  21. #1193
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    I think i have told you guys about my dog Smokey. he got even worse over the holidays so I thought when he went to the vet yesterday they would want to put him down. They said that Smokey had colitis and gave him some medicine. he is still with us!!!

    Glad to hear that Smokey is feeling much better!
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  23. #1194
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    Glad to hear that Smokey is feeling much better!
    Thanks friend, Smokey is a big a part of our family as I am.

    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  26. #1195
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    I think i have told you guys about my dog Smokey. he got even worse over the holidays so I thought when he went to the vet yesterday they would want to put him down. They said that Smokey had colitis and gave him some medicine. he is still with us!!!

    I'm happy for you guys!

    My Anabel has fair to good fructosamine (more of an animal measure for glucose than human) & is doing better.

    for a while I worried we'd end up losing her.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    I'm happy for you guys!

    My Anabel has fair to good fructosamine (more of an animal measure for glucose than human) & is doing better.

    for a while I worried we'd end up losing her.
    Smokey is a special dog. Our problem is he has pretty much lost control of his bladder so we have to watch him close. Right now we have to lock him in our kitchen at night where the tile floor is. Bless his heart he don't like that very much but i cannot let him ruin my floors. It is way to cold for a sick little dog to be outside.

    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  31. #1197
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Oh, Lord. You guys have heard my share of the kvetching and some joys.

    On the up side, I'm finishing up some dental work next week. Perhaps I'll be less embarassed to smile. So far it looks good on the side he finished.

    Now I feel like I've been hit with a big one. And it's small compared to some others' problems.

    My cat had some symptoms but her disposition didn't change until recently. She'd even been walking strangely, which I thought, maybe she's old, could be a touch of arthritis. But she hasn't been as companionable for a week, which isn't her. She pretty much just runs for the food, watter, litter, and her own little space to snore.

    Cut to the chase, she has Type II Diabetes. It's treatable. But it takes two injections a day. An insulin vial, while it usually takes some months to deplete in felines, may costs hundreds of dollars. While I'm not much of a traveler any more, every so often I may want to take a road trip, and someone would have to be available to provide that level of care for her. It's not just expensive, I don't know that I want to put the cat through daily needles & trips to the vet every so often for bloodwork. At 11 she's kind of an old cat. I do so want to love another when she passes, definitely another shelter cat.

    She really is a gem. This is sort of the "P.S. Your Cat is Dead" Christmas (a laugh out loud but kind of hard to access comedy by the late J.S. Kirkwood if you haven't read it). Got some special food for her from the vet, who even understood it being a lot to absorb & needing a few days to decide. Oy, what a season.
    My cat had this, too, and they eventually gave him some sort of drug that essentially cured him. This was after years of the insulin shots and having to shove corn syrup down his throat while he was seizing more than once. I wish I could remember the name of the miracle drug, but I'm not in contact with my mother who would know. See if you can ask about it? <3
    “I seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. That’s who I am.”
    Words of Radiance

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  34. #1198
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Thankyou Lucy <3 I will try writing.
    Writing can be extremely therapeutic!! Get it all out, here or in private. You can even try turning things into fiction to create positive endings that can inspire your subconscious. I've done fiction where the main character is based on me but has all the qualities I only wish I had, and it can be very helpful to 're-envision' who you really are and are capable of being.

    If I may also suggest (and this is to anyone here) plenty of creative and mind-tasking outlets. Hobbies and crafts and things that can distract the mind, something you can get engrossed it and find a sense of accomplishment at the end. I have a billion examples if anybody wants to PM me. You don't have to be artistically talented, either. I have done incredible adult paint by numbers, for example. Or jigsaw puzzles. Or model building. Or 5D diamond paintings. Or mosaic kits. Or special Lego kits. Or even brain teaser puzzles. Heck, even a good, engrossing PC game. (I have a series I'd highly recommend to you FH!)

    There's something about creating and problem solving that are very helpful for intense periods of emotions. My personal theory is that we've evolved thanks to our ability to seek and solve problems, and when that part of our brain is bored it invents things or catastrophizes things to feel useful again.

    One final thing I'd like to recommend to you FH is writing a list of 100 things you love, like, or appreciate about yourself. Last summer, I attended the funeral of a 15 year old girl who committed suicide. Her 19 year old sister asked that we all take the time to do this list in her memory. I really didn't think I could do that, but I pulled out my journal, grabbed a pen in her favorite color, and I did it. Anytime I feel down, I look back to that list and remind myself that I am a good and loveable person who has a lot to contribute to the world, even if I don't always feel I'm living up to my potential.

    And I apologize if I'm coming off as a know-it-all, because I assure you I don't have my **** together 100% lol But I'm learning and applying coping skills, and I'm getting better and better at handling things. I think a lot of it is just practice, like anything. Retraining automatic thoughts (as taught in CBT/DBT) and learning to accept temporary, uncomfortable feelings as something we can and will get through. Your self-awareness, FH, is what's going to get you through this. Keep on staying in tune with yourself and you'll be okay. <3
    “I seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. That’s who I am.”
    Words of Radiance

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  37. #1199
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    Sorry to brag everyone, but I just wanted to share that right now I've got a 3.7 GPA (just checked transcript) and I've been invited to join Alpha Sigma Pi honor society (already a member of Phi Theta Kappa). I'm so excited I know this doesn't seem like much, but considering the struggle I had with Anatomy...this is incredible so far. If I can just get A's and B's this semester and next (I'll be graduating fall of this year), I may have a chance at getting a full-ride to a university, if I can keep playing in the orchestra and demonstrate some other extra-curricular skills.

    That said, I'm not sure if I should wait until I get a Bachelor's to take the MCAT, or if I should simply finish my Associates, as I'll have the courses that are covered on the test when I graduate. Again, sorry for bragging; I don't mean to rub it in anyone's faces. I'm just ecstatic
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  40. #1200
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    Quote Originally Posted by sgdp View Post
    Writing can be extremely therapeutic!! Get it all out, here or in private. You can even try turning things into fiction to create positive endings that can inspire your subconscious. I've done fiction where the main character is based on me but has all the qualities I only wish I had, and it can be very helpful to 're-envision' who you really are and are capable of being.

    If I may also suggest (and this is to anyone here) plenty of creative and mind-tasking outlets. Hobbies and crafts and things that can distract the mind, something you can get engrossed it and find a sense of accomplishment at the end. I have a billion examples if anybody wants to PM me. You don't have to be artistically talented, either. I have done incredible adult paint by numbers, for example. Or jigsaw puzzles. Or model building. Or 5D diamond paintings. Or mosaic kits. Or special Lego kits. Or even brain teaser puzzles. Heck, even a good, engrossing PC game. (I have a series I'd highly recommend to you FH!)

    There's something about creating and problem solving that are very helpful for intense periods of emotions. My personal theory is that we've evolved thanks to our ability to seek and solve problems, and when that part of our brain is bored it invents things or catastrophizes things to feel useful again.

    One final thing I'd like to recommend to you FH is writing a list of 100 things you love, like, or appreciate about yourself. Last summer, I attended the funeral of a 15 year old girl who committed suicide. Her 19 year old sister asked that we all take the time to do this list in her memory. I really didn't think I could do that, but I pulled out my journal, grabbed a pen in her favorite color, and I did it. Anytime I feel down, I look back to that list and remind myself that I am a good and loveable person who has a lot to contribute to the world, even if I don't always feel I'm living up to my potential.

    And I apologize if I'm coming off as a know-it-all, because I assure you I don't have my **** together 100% lol But I'm learning and applying coping skills, and I'm getting better and better at handling things. I think a lot of it is just practice, like anything. Retraining automatic thoughts (as taught in CBT/DBT) and learning to accept temporary, uncomfortable feelings as something we can and will get through. Your self-awareness, FH, is what's going to get you through this. Keep on staying in tune with yourself and you'll be okay. <3
    Thanks sgdp <3 (and not at all do you come off like a know it all, you are fine ) If I can get through the Bataan death march marathon (26.2 miles in the NM desert) with an orthopedic issue, I can cope with duo personality disorders. If I can cope with ADD on my own, I can cope with duo personality disorders- I just have to keep faith in myself and not get discouraged in therapy. I'm also thinking about teaching myself tap therapy (tapping certain parts of my body and repeating affirmations to myself) to help with self-esteem.

    I'm curious though, what PC games do you recommend? I'm playing Gardenscapes and Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp on mobile, Conqueror Online on PC, and Panic Room and Cross-Stitch World on Facebook. Admittedly, I'm addicted to Gardenscapes, heh.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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