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  1. #1
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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  3. #1036
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeyJude View Post
    Well, he went back to the ER Friday morning. They did more tests and admitted him. He's in a private room, connected to machines, 2 I.V.'s, with hoses down into his stomach. They discovered more things going on with him, and he is scheduled for surgery Monday. He hasn't eaten anything for 6 days. I wish I could take his place. Very difficult knowing he is suffering so much.
    Please know we're praying for you both, Jude.

    Don't neglect looking after yourself.
    Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by jerks.


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  6. #1037
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeyJude View Post
    Thanks Katie, it has been quite an ordeal. My doc gave me Xanax for my anxiety, and it's helping.
    Glad that it works!
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  9. #1038
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    I am so sorry. I am praying for you guys. hang in there tough dear

    Jeff
    Quote Originally Posted by The Girl from Ipanema View Post
    Please know we're praying for you both, Jude.

    Don't neglect looking after yourself.
    Thanks y'all. He's in surgery right now, went in about an hour ago. He has a new surgeon, which was an answer to prayer. I'm feeling very positive about things. Thanks so much for prayers!



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  12. #1039
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeyJude View Post
    Thanks y'all. He's in surgery right now, went in about an hour ago. He has a new surgeon, which was an answer to prayer. I'm feeling very positive about things. Thanks so much for prayers!
    I am still praying my friend
    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  15. #1040
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    I know others have bigger problems bigger than myself. I'm just really angry & disgusted.

    The migraine problems are not only not getting better they're getting worse. If anything they're getting worse since I started seeing a neuro. The treatment isn't working at all.

    I spent this morning throwing up after sleeping back against the wall 'cause that was the only comfortable position I could find. To top it off the stupid doctor couldn't even sign my paperwork in a timely enough manner to get intermittent FMLA approved.

    I was told paperwork could be resubmitted, I could "reach out " to the doctor. No. I've already driven out there & been on the phone with them twice. Why do I have to hand hold & babysit to get a job done?

    I don't think I'm going to see any neuro, maybe go for Codeine with my primary as the treatment didn't work anyway. I'm just really disgusted right now as I'm not getting better & tired of being expected to hand hold & donothers' jobs for them.

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  17. #1041
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    I know others have bigger problems bigger than myself. I'm just really angry & disgusted.

    The migraine problems are not only not getting better they're getting worse. If anything they're getting worse since I started seeing a neuro. The treatment isn't working at all.

    I spent this morning throwing up after sleeping back against the wall 'cause that was the only comfortable position I could find. To top it off the stupid doctor couldn't even sign my paperwork in a timely enough manner to get intermittent FMLA approved.

    I was told paperwork could be resubmitted, I could "reach out " to the doctor. No. I've already driven out there & been on the phone with them twice. Why do I have to hand hold & babysit to get a job done?

    I don't think I'm going to see any neuro, maybe go for Codeine with my primary as the treatment didn't work anyway. I'm just really disgusted right now as I'm not getting better & tired of being expected to hand hold & donothers' jobs for them.
    Health insurance issues?
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  19. #1042
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    Health insurance issues?
    Nope. FMLA & health insurance aren't related.

    This is just another professional who can't help.

    Back to primary care.

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  21. #1043
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    I know others have bigger problems bigger than myself. I'm just really angry & disgusted.

    The migraine problems are not only not getting better they're getting worse. If anything they're getting worse since I started seeing a neuro. The treatment isn't working at all.

    I spent this morning throwing up after sleeping back against the wall 'cause that was the only comfortable position I could find. To top it off the stupid doctor couldn't even sign my paperwork in a timely enough manner to get intermittent FMLA approved.

    I was told paperwork could be resubmitted, I could "reach out " to the doctor. No. I've already driven out there & been on the phone with them twice. Why do I have to hand hold & babysit to get a job done?

    I don't think I'm going to see any neuro, maybe go for Codeine with my primary as the treatment didn't work anyway. I'm just really disgusted right now as I'm not getting better & tired of being expected to hand hold & donothers' jobs for them.
    Mitch has migraines as a result if his TBI. Those are awful ands I pray you get some relief.

    How is the husband doing?
    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  23. #1044
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    Mitch has migraines as a result if his TBI. Those are awful ands I pray you get some relief.

    How is the husband doing?
    He could be better, thanks for asking.

    He's unfortunately gone back to a sedentary lifestyle, which isn't healthy.

    But yeah, migraines are quite painful, and I've gone back to my primary care physician and a reduced dose of Topamax. The neuro's increased dose of it & a particular Tryptan just made things worse. Back to Square 1 as they say.

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  25. #1045
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    He could be better, thanks for asking.

    He's unfortunately gone back to a sedentary lifestyle, which isn't healthy.

    But yeah, migraines are quite painful, and I've gone back to my primary care physician and a reduced dose of Topamax. The neuro's increased dose of it & a particular Tryptan just made things worse. Back to Square 1 as they say.
    There is something that many of the TBI pateints at Shepherd Center said is the best for those. It's illegal though in my state of course, marijuana.

    I am still praying every day for you and the hubby, hang in there though.

    I really miss the old Overcoming Obstacles forum. If you remember there were dozens of regular posters in there.

    “Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. ”
    ― Jimmy Buffett

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  27. #1046
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Nope. FMLA & health insurance aren't related.

    This is just another professional who can't help. Back to primary care.
    Sorry to hear that you aren't getting any help.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  29. #1047
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    Sorry to hear that you aren't getting any help.
    Thanks.

    I'm giving the ol' primary a try now.

    We'll see how Riboflavin & Topamax work as preventives.

    Got a new heating pad, too.

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  32. #1048
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    I am still praying my friend
    He's finally home from the hospital, came home today, doing good. He ended up having TWO surgeries, one on Tues., and the other on Fri. The first surgery was a total failure because the surgeon cut a hole in his small intestine, which could have resulted in peritonitis. They put him on antibiotic IV drip, and got good blood levels on Friday. He has EIGHT incisions in his abdomen.



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  35. #1049
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeyJude View Post
    He's finally home from the hospital, came home today, doing good. He ended up having TWO surgeries, one on Tues., and the other on Fri. The first surgery was a total failure because the surgeon cut a hole in his small intestine, which could have resulted in peritonitis. They put him on antibiotic IV drip, and got good blood levels on Friday. He has EIGHT incisions in his abdomen.
    Glad to hear that your husband's back home. Hopefully he's much better.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
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  38. #1050
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeyJude View Post
    He's finally home from the hospital, came home today, doing good. He ended up having TWO surgeries, one on Tues., and the other on Fri. The first surgery was a total failure because the surgeon cut a hole in his small intestine, which could have resulted in peritonitis. They put him on antibiotic IV drip, and got good blood levels on Friday. He has EIGHT incisions in his abdomen.
    prayers for a swift, good recovery.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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