; My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. - Page 75

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  1. #1
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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
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  3. #1111
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    Quote Originally Posted by sgdp View Post
    Hope you are well, Nik.
    It's been a struggle, but at the moment I'm mostly okay. It sounds like you're doing pretty well for yourself these days, I'm glad.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    It's been a struggle, but at the moment I'm mostly okay. It sounds like you're doing pretty well for yourself these days, I'm glad.
    Glad you're okay. I know it can be touch-and-go. Hopefully the thought that the lows are temporary helps.

    Once I cut out my whack-a-doodle family, I started focusing on myself. So the circumstances changing didn't magically make my mental state 100%, but I did CBT, and it's made an incredible and practical difference. There are lots of good CBT books that are far more cost-effective than seeing a therapist who specializes in CBT. And doing it by yourself is proven to be just as effective as doing it with a professional.

    https://qz.com/1057345/researchers-s...own-therapist/

    CBT has also been shown in some studies to be as effective as and with more long-lasting results than medication. Obv, I would never suggest someone go off their medications or forego seeing a professional for help in that area, but I saw you mention the struggle to keep up with them, so I thought I'd throw that out there. The studies I've read seem to indicate that people who do CBT concurrently with medication, if for whatever reason they stop the medication, their relapse rate is more than halved. It's just an excellent tool all around.

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2748674/

    http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/855773

    Just food for thought I hope it helps you, FH, or anybody else who reads this.
    “I seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. That’s who I am.”
    Words of Radiance

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  9. #1113
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    My mother is having a hissy fit because I didn't sweep the floor because the muscles in my left leg (where the incision was on my surgery) were hurting pretty badly (the screws in my leg irritate my muscles) and she's trying to start an argument with my father about dirty dishes when I'm trying to work on my lab report (it's saved on a desktop rather than the laptop). Oh, and she said "**** you" under her breath when I told her to stop, and now she's trying to start an argument about how she wasn't arguing and complaining that I'm complaining about her on Hannityland. Oh lordy, a hypocrite she is.

    *Sorry I just need to vent.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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    Quote Originally Posted by sgdp View Post
    Glad you're okay. I know it can be touch-and-go. Hopefully the thought that the lows are temporary helps.

    Once I cut out my whack-a-doodle family, I started focusing on myself. So the circumstances changing didn't magically make my mental state 100%, but I did CBT, and it's made an incredible and practical difference. There are lots of good CBT books that are far more cost-effective than seeing a therapist who specializes in CBT. And doing it by yourself is proven to be just as effective as doing it with a professional.

    https://qz.com/1057345/researchers-s...own-therapist/

    CBT has also been shown in some studies to be as effective as and with more long-lasting results than medication. Obv, I would never suggest someone go off their medications or forego seeing a professional for help in that area, but I saw you mention the struggle to keep up with them, so I thought I'd throw that out there. The studies I've read seem to indicate that people who do CBT concurrently with medication, if for whatever reason they stop the medication, their relapse rate is more than halved. It's just an excellent tool all around.

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2748674/

    http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/855773

    Just food for thought I hope it helps you, FH, or anybody else who reads this.
    I have done CBT for treating my AvPD. I'm in DBT now, to help with emotion regulation and how to deal with my mother, and I was briefly in CPT for processing trauma. Agreed that CBT works. I still need to work on my social skills/interpersonal effectiveness, and DBT should help with that, too. Thanks
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    My mother is having a hissy fit because I didn't sweep the floor because the muscles in my left leg (where the incision was on my surgery) were hurting pretty badly (the screws in my leg irritate my muscles) and she's trying to start an argument with my father about dirty dishes when I'm trying to work on my lab report (it's saved on a desktop rather than the laptop). Oh, and she said "**** you" under her breath when I told her to stop, and now she's trying to start an argument about how she wasn't arguing and complaining that I'm complaining about her on Hannityland. Oh lordy, a hypocrite she is.

    *Sorry I just need to vent.
    So many of us have so many problems today. It gets to where you just say "when will it end at times".
    This week under President Trump the DOW reached over 23000 & we're talking about something Trump said. WOW!

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    I have done CBT for treating my AvPD. I'm in DBT now, to help with emotion regulation and how to deal with my mother, and I was briefly in CPT for processing trauma. Agreed that CBT works. I still need to work on my social skills/interpersonal effectiveness, and DBT should help with that, too. Thanks
    Glad to hear it! We're all just works in progress. Keep it up.
    “I seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. That’s who I am.”
    Words of Radiance

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Something's on my heart & mind today.

    My daughter has developed a habit of what I consider overstaying her welcome at friends' homes. I've spoken with parents, and they insist it isn't.

    One is a single father of THREE girls, and I just don't want to add to his load. When I spoke with her about this, she confessed she spends a lot of time with them because "I just am so lonely here."

    For various reasons, for which I still feel guilty, I opted out of trying for another child. She insists she wouldn't want to share a room with a sibling, she likes her room. She wouldn't have any other choice where we're living now.

    I've done my best to involve her in various activities, from learning to skate & gymnastics to band and now a program a dance studio offers for sixth graders to teach students ball room dancing (actually looks kind of fun on YouTube). There are kids in our complex.

    I just don't want her with them until after the sun sets & mosquitos come out. Am not completely comfortable with sleepovers, although I think a basic is they should be one night only & she shouldn't be asking for additional time.

    Am not sure what to do outside of contacting her teacher or guidance counselor. Anyone else have an only child who felt like this?
    I'm sorry that you are in this position, and your daughter feels this way, SB. I wish I had some advice, but I just have hugs
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  22. #1118
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    I'm sorry that you are in this position, and your daughter feels this way, SB. I wish I had some advice, but I just have hugs
    Thanks! Here's one for you, too!

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  25. #1119
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    Oh, insomnia and depression, my good friends, you have returned.

    Two am, where do I begin
    Crying off my face again
    The silent sound of loneliness
    Wants to follow me to bed
    I'm a ghost of a girl
    That I want to be most
    I'm the shell of a girl
    That I used to know well
    Dancing slowly in an empty room
    Can the lonely take the place of you
    I sing myself a quiet lullaby
    Let you go and let the lonely in
    To take my heart again
    Too afraid, to go inside
    For the pain of one more loveless night
    For the loneliness will stay with me
    And hold me till I fall asleep
    I'm a ghost of a girl
    That I want to be most
    I'm the shell of a girl
    That I used to know well

    Dancing slowly in an empty room
    Can the lonely take the place of you
    I sing myself a quiet lullaby
    Let you go and let the lonely in
    To take my heart again
    Broken pieces of
    A barely breathing story
    Where there once was love
    Now there's only me
    And the lonely
    Dancing slowly in an empty room
    Can the lonely take the place of you
    I sing myself a quiet lullaby
    Let you go and let the lonely in
    To take my heart again



    The Lonely- Christina Perry

    Loneliness is a terrible thing. I often feel a shell of myself; I don't trust myself not to have a panic attack, or to do something embarrassing. The irony, of wanting relationships, but feeling like you don't deserve them or are too afraid to form them.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  27. #1120
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    I hear you, Flame. Loneliness is tough. I've told myself very often since my divorce that I'm not the lonely type, and I don't feel lonely, but there are times when my guard is down that I realize I miss having another person in my life.

    Of course, part of my problem is that I feel an instinctive need to push away anyone who cares about me. Because how can I trust anyone who loves me, when I hate myself so much? The villains in my head won't let me have nice things.

    So yeah, I don't really have any advice. No words of wisdom to make you feel better. Just the message that you aren't alone in your feelings.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  30. #1121
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    Sorry to see radio hostess Delilah’s son, Zachariah, lost his battle with depression & ended his own life. Found the story on www.bing.com earlier.

    My heart goes out to his mother. This is the second child who has died as her adopted son, Samuel, died from sickle cell anemia complications in ‘12.

    Prayers for the family.

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  33. #1122
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    Some good news. I've started therapy again. I have a part-time job. Through a reference at the place I go to for therapy, I'm going to begin volunteering at a socialization center with the goal of eventually being hired there to a paid position. Things are not bright, but they are not as bleak as they have been in the past.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  36. #1123
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Some good news. I've started therapy again. I have a part-time job. Through a reference at the place I go to for therapy, I'm going to begin volunteering at a socialization center with the goal of eventually being hired there to a paid position. Things are not bright, but they are not as bleak as they have been in the past.
    Good for you!
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  39. #1124

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Some good news. I've started therapy again. I have a part-time job. Through a reference at the place I go to for therapy, I'm going to begin volunteering at a socialization center with the goal of eventually being hired there to a paid position. Things are not bright, but they are not as bleak as they have been in the past.
    This is great news. iv been thinking about doing volunteer work maybe through big brother.
    went to heaven.. couldnt get in.. for what i had done.. i said forsake me.. they said your crazy.. youve done to much harm

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  42. #1125
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    For those who might need/want it, this song calms me down when I'm anxious. The sound of rain makes me sleepy:
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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