My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. - Page 84

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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LucyLou View Post
    You remind me so much of 2 men in my life. My dear brother in-law and a dear friend from high school. Both funnier than hell and always making others laugh. Both inside living that torturous life of depression and anxiety, so I understand how you feel. I really do.
    Itís a tough road to travel. But some of us are lucky enough to have a lot of support, and I thank you for being part of my support.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Dear Myself,

    Please stop hating me. I donít know what Iíve ever done to you. I wish youíd take a minute to tell me why, rather than just constantly bombarding me with hatred. Iím an okay guy. People that arenít me seem to like me well enough. Why donít you? I know youíll read this and laugh at me for being weak, maybe youíre right. But can you just cut me a break and hate me a little less? Iíd appreciate it.

    Sincerely,

    Me.

    I hear ya Nick. It's hard to silence the inner critic. Have you tried tap therapy, or as it is sometimes called, Emotional Freedom Technique? It's a therapy in which you tap certain parts of your body and repeat affirmations to yourself. It has helped me so far. Try to think of at least one positive thing about yourself every day, and write it down. When you're feeling depressed or that inner critic's voice starts to pipe up, go over the list that you made and tell it to shut up and leave you alone. It will take several tries, but after a while it will stop. Hugs.

    Here is a link to information on EFT as well as the guide to tapping points: https://eft.mercola.com/ I think that you might find it helpful
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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    Quote Originally Posted by LucyLou View Post
    Yes, I understand and feel helpless about that. I wish I could fix that.

    I remember how hard it was for my brother in law to transition to new meds, it was the hardest time.

    I've always had issues with anxiety that turns into depression. I was always able to function fine and keep it in check, but a few years ago it started to spiral out of control. Luckily I easily got it under control with a low dose of a simple antidepressant. I wish it was that easy for you.
    Sounds a lot like me: anxiety that goes to depression. Since I have no medical insurance at the moment, I have to cobble together other ways to deal with it.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    I hear ya Nick. It's hard to silence the inner critic. Have you tried tap therapy, or as it is sometimes called, Emotional Freedom Technique? It's a therapy in which you tap certain parts of your body and repeat affirmations to yourself. It has helped me so far. Try to think of at least one positive thing about yourself every day, and write it down. When you're feeling depressed or that inner critic's voice starts to pipe up, go over the list that you made and tell it to shut up and leave you alone. It will take several tries, but after a while it will stop. Hugs.

    Here is a link to information on EFT as well as the guide to tapping points: https://eft.mercola.com/ I think that you might find it helpful
    Iíve never heard of that one, Iíll have to look into it. Thank you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    Sounds a lot like me: anxiety that goes to depression. Since I have no medical insurance at the moment, I have to cobble together other ways to deal with it.
    Me three. That, and inattention and anxiety (having to compensate for inattention with Anxiety, then having to compensate for anxiety with inattention). I hear the two are highly comorbid, and can feed off each other. Anger turned inwards and anxiety turned inwards can cause depression, and rumination which is part of depression.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Me three. That, and inattention and anxiety (having to compensate for inattention with Anxiety, then having to compensate for anxiety with inattention). I hear the two are highly comorbid, and can feed off each other. Anger turned inwards and anxiety turned inwards can cause depression, and rumination which is part of depression.
    Iíll be damned. You pretty much just listed off the ingredients to make one adult-sized serving of Nik. I mean, you left off the lush, glorious hair and the alluring salt and pepper beard. Also the devastatingly charming sense of humor.

    Oh, and the humility. Thatís the most important part. But yeah, other than those things you didnít mention because you couldnít possibly have known about them, that all sounds like me. I hate myself irrationally, which makes me angry at myself. Not having anywhere to go, the anger burns up inside me and leaves a smoky depression behind. The smoke clouds up my judgement and I canít think straight or focus on anything, which causes anxiety.

    I hate myself, so I figure people wonít like me all that much either. But when they do I get confused about their motives, so I canít accept their affection. I do my damndest to make them give up on me because for the life of me, I canít understand why they put up with me. I feel like everyone is lying about liking me and that they are secretly resentful and put off by my mood swings.

    And after all that, my inability to connect with people and my desire to push away everyone that loves me makes me hate myself for not being able to stop feeling that way.

    I am the living embodiment of one of Aliceís conversations with the Cheshire Cat. I want to know what direction to go, but I donít know where Iím supposed to be headed. So it doesnít much matter which way I go.

    (🤔 This is interesting stuff. Probably ought to write this down.)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    Sounds a lot like me: anxiety that goes to depression. Since I have no medical insurance at the moment, I have to cobble together other ways to deal with it.
    Well, if you haven't tried it, I was given a prescription for generic Lexapro, a couple years back, and it has been a game-changer. It is an antidepressant that also addresses anxiety. Previously, antidepressants were no help to me, but my doctor really pushed it a few years ago when the anxiety was really spiraling, and it worked so well, with no downside issues.

    Being available as a generic, you might be able to get it really cheaply.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Iíll be damned. You pretty much just listed off the ingredients to make one adult-sized serving of Nik. I mean, you left off the lush, glorious hair and the alluring salt and pepper beard. Also the devastatingly charming sense of humor.

    Oh, and the humility. Thatís the most important part. But yeah, other than those things you didnít mention because you couldnít possibly have known about them, that all sounds like me. I hate myself irrationally, which makes me angry at myself. Not having anywhere to go, the anger burns up inside me and leaves a smoky depression behind. The smoke clouds up my judgement and I canít think straight or focus on anything, which causes anxiety.

    I hate myself, so I figure people wonít like me all that much either. But when they do I get confused about their motives, so I canít accept their affection. I do my damndest to make them give up on me because for the life of me, I canít understand why they put up with me. I feel like everyone is lying about liking me and that they are secretly resentful and put off by my mood swings.

    And after all that, my inability to connect with people and my desire to push away everyone that loves me makes me hate myself for not being able to stop feeling that way.

    I am the living embodiment of one of Aliceís conversations with the Cheshire Cat. I want to know what direction to go, but I donít know where Iím supposed to be headed. So it doesnít much matter which way I go.

    (🤔 This is interesting stuff. Probably ought to write this down.)
    Oh Nik. This makes me want to cry.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    I’ll be damned. You pretty much just listed off the ingredients to make one adult-sized serving of Nik. I mean, you left off the lush, glorious hair and the alluring salt and pepper beard. Also the devastatingly charming sense of humor.

    Oh, and the humility. That’s the most important part. But yeah, other than those things you didn’t mention because you couldn’t possibly have known about them, that all sounds like me. I hate myself irrationally, which makes me angry at myself. Not having anywhere to go, the anger burns up inside me and leaves a smoky depression behind. The smoke clouds up my judgement and I can’t think straight or focus on anything, which causes anxiety.

    I hate myself, so I figure people won’t like me all that much either. But when they do I get confused about their motives, so I can’t accept their affection. I do my damndest to make them give up on me because for the life of me, I can’t understand why they put up with me. I feel like everyone is lying about liking me and that they are secretly resentful and put off by my mood swings.

    And after all that, my inability to connect with people and my desire to push away everyone that loves me makes me hate myself for not being able to stop feeling that way.

    I am the living embodiment of one of Alice’s conversations with the Cheshire Cat. I want to know what direction to go, but I don’t know where I’m supposed to be headed. So it doesn’t much matter which way I go.

    (�� This is interesting stuff. Probably ought to write this down.)
    I'm really sorry to hear this Nik Try to remember that you have a 100% track record of getting through bad days. It's frustrating how all these issues can play off one another. It's not easy to navigate when they get all tangled up.

    Have you tried CBT on your own? You don't need to pay a therapist or anything. There are several books on Amazon I could send you links for. You're very self-aware already in separating the emotional from the logical aspects of your experience. That's a huge deal. Bigly. You have insight. One thing I found in CBT that may be particularly helpful for you is "Thought Records." They organize and rank thoughts and help you to actually rewire the brain's neurons.

    This is an example of one: https://psychologytools.com/workshee...free_en-us.pdf

    The theory goes that if you do them whenever you have a peak emotion your logical side will begin to override the automatic reactions. So the "Evidence Against This Thought" column becomes more and more convincing over time, and you effectively replace the negative thoughts. Not with positive BS you don't actually believe but with a more reality-based statement.
    ďI seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. Thatís who I am.Ē
    Words of Radiance

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    I hear ya Nick. It's hard to silence the inner critic. Have you tried tap therapy, or as it is sometimes called, Emotional Freedom Technique? It's a therapy in which you tap certain parts of your body and repeat affirmations to yourself. It has helped me so far. Try to think of at least one positive thing about yourself every day, and write it down. When you're feeling depressed or that inner critic's voice starts to pipe up, go over the list that you made and tell it to shut up and leave you alone. It will take several tries, but after a while it will stop. Hugs.

    Here is a link to information on EFT as well as the guide to tapping points: https://eft.mercola.com/ I think that you might find it helpful
    I wonder if this works on the same mechanism as EMDR?
    ďI seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. Thatís who I am.Ē
    Words of Radiance

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    Quote Originally Posted by LucyLou View Post
    Well, if you haven't tried it, I was given a prescription for generic Lexapro, a couple years back, and it has been a game-changer. It is an antidepressant that also addresses anxiety. Previously, antidepressants were no help to me, but my doctor really pushed it a few years ago when the anxiety was really spiraling, and it worked so well, with no downside issues.

    Being available as a generic, you might be able to get it really cheaply.
    Wonder if it's available here in CA?
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  33. #1257
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    Quote Originally Posted by sgdp View Post
    I'm really sorry to hear this Nik Try to remember that you have a 100% track record of getting through bad days. It's frustrating how all these issues can play off one another. It's not easy to navigate when they get all tangled up.

    Have you tried CBT on your own? You don't need to pay a therapist or anything. There are several books on Amazon I could send you links for. You're very self-aware already in separating the emotional from the logical aspects of your experience. That's a huge deal. Bigly. You have insight. One thing I found in CBT that may be particularly helpful for you is "Thought Records." They organize and rank thoughts and help you to actually rewire the brain's neurons.

    This is an example of one: https://psychologytools.com/workshee...free_en-us.pdf

    The theory goes that if you do them whenever you have a peak emotion your logical side will begin to override the automatic reactions. So the "Evidence Against This Thought" column becomes more and more convincing over time, and you effectively replace the negative thoughts. Not with positive BS you don't actually believe but with a more reality-based statement.
    I think Iíll take you up on the offer for links. I should also get in with a therapist, though. Not that I ever know what to tell them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    Wonder if it's available here in CA?
    It's available everywhere.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Iíll be damned. You pretty much just listed off the ingredients to make one adult-sized serving of Nik. I mean, you left off the lush, glorious hair and the alluring salt and pepper beard. Also the devastatingly charming sense of humor.

    Oh, and the humility. Thatís the most important part. But yeah, other than those things you didnít mention because you couldnít possibly have known about them, that all sounds like me. I hate myself irrationally, which makes me angry at myself. Not having anywhere to go, the anger burns up inside me and leaves a smoky depression behind. The smoke clouds up my judgement and I canít think straight or focus on anything, which causes anxiety.

    I hate myself, so I figure people wonít like me all that much either. But when they do I get confused about their motives, so I canít accept their affection. I do my damndest to make them give up on me because for the life of me, I canít understand why they put up with me. I feel like everyone is lying about liking me and that they are secretly resentful and put off by my mood swings.

    And after all that, my inability to connect with people and my desire to push away everyone that loves me makes me hate myself for not being able to stop feeling that way.

    I am the living embodiment of one of Aliceís conversations with the Cheshire Cat. I want to know what direction to go, but I donít know where Iím supposed to be headed. So it doesnít much matter which way I go.

    (樂 This is interesting stuff. Probably ought to write this down.)
    "I hate myself, so I figure people won't like me all that much either."

    Oh, boy, do you and I have the same problem. I really don't put myself out there socially outside of work, & it's probably for the better.

    Then when someone does accept me, I fear scaring them off. I'm on a different anti seizure drug as a migraine preventive.

    It's great for preventing migraines, but terrible as far as digestive symptoms. So I'm heading for yet another trip to the ladies' when I hear a cheerful "Hi!".

    Had to get closer to see who it was, but the person is a lovely young woman who works our second shift. After a little chat, I just didn't want her to think I was avoiding her, or feel offended if I rushed to the ladies, leaving her in the lurch, so I said "I'm so nauseous from the Depakote it isn't even funny."

    It was just a little bit more conversation after that, but now I'm going gosh! I don't get graphic with my symptoms, but I'm really hoping I didn't drive her off. She's a happy go lucky sort, & I feel like such a wet blanket at times.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    I think I’ll take you up on the offer for links. I should also get in with a therapist, though. Not that I ever know what to tell them.
    These are the two CBT workbooks I've used and can really vouch for. I used them to target 2 specific issues related to a traumatic experience and was successful with both of them.

    https://www.amazon.com/Retrain-Your-...ords=cbt&psc=1

    https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Moo...4&keywords=cbt

    I think you might also be the kind to benefit from reading about the neuroscience behind how these methods work. You've probably realized that "Just think positive!" is not helpful--but CBT is different. It works to alter the neural pathways in your brain. This is a book I've read that's about anxiety, but the underlying methodology is the same:

    https://www.amazon.com/Rewire-Your-A...lizabeth+karle

    Essentially, every time we have thoughts that go unchallenged, they travel along a set neural pathway. The more a neural pathway is used, the quicker it is to fire and the more the brain sets it as the 'default' thought process. When you begin to interrupt that pathway using CBT exercises, the default pathway becomes weaker, less sensitive to triggering, and less likely to fire automatically. Sometimes just that little delay in firing is enough for us to step back and mediate our thoughts and emotions.

    I haven't read this one, but this is a book that appears to use the same neuroscience basis to explain depression:

    https://www.amazon.com/Upward-Spiral...E3DTJFJZFH0GQF
    ďI seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. Thatís who I am.Ē
    Words of Radiance

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