My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. - Page 85

Page 85 of 85 FirstFirst ... 3575838485
Results 1,261 to 1,272 of 1272
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere out there
    Age
    38
    Posts
    13,907
    Rep Power
    19

    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

  2. Sponsored Links


  3. #1261
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere out there
    Age
    38
    Posts
    13,907
    Rep Power
    19

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sgdp View Post
    These are the two CBT workbooks I've used and can really vouch for. I used them to target 2 specific issues related to a traumatic experience and was successful with both of them.

    https://www.amazon.com/Retrain-Your-...ords=cbt&psc=1

    https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Moo...4&keywords=cbt

    I think you might also be the kind to benefit from reading about the neuroscience behind how these methods work. You've probably realized that "Just think positive!" is not helpful--but CBT is different. It works to alter the neural pathways in your brain. This is a book I've read that's about anxiety, but the underlying methodology is the same:

    https://www.amazon.com/Rewire-Your-A...lizabeth+karle

    Essentially, every time we have thoughts that go unchallenged, they travel along a set neural pathway. The more a neural pathway is used, the quicker it is to fire and the more the brain sets it as the 'default' thought process. When you begin to interrupt that pathway using CBT exercises, the default pathway becomes weaker, less sensitive to triggering, and less likely to fire automatically. Sometimes just that little delay in firing is enough for us to step back and mediate our thoughts and emotions.

    I haven't read this one, but this is a book that appears to use the same neuroscience basis to explain depression:

    https://www.amazon.com/Upward-Spiral...E3DTJFJZFH0GQF
    Thank you, LilíBit. Iíll check those out.



    Had an interesting thing happen last night. I was dreaming. My dreams are funny in that, while I donít have lucid dreams, Iím always aware that Iím asleep and in fact dreaming. Itís like watching a movie while I sleep. So anyway, in this dream Iím having a discussion with someone, perhaps even an argument. At some point I stand up and notice a mirror on the opposite end of the room from me. I catch my reflection, and the body I see isnít me. Itís a young girl, maybe early teens. Who or what she is, however, isnít whatís important. No, what matters is that for the first time in my life I looked into a mirror and didnít hate the person I saw looking back at me.

    And for a moment, in my sleep, I was happy.

  4. Sponsored Links


  5. Likes FlameHeart, sgdp liked this post
  6. #1262
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    Panem
    Age
    20
    Posts
    3,113
    Rep Power
    3

    Default

    I feel like I'm going to fly off the handle any day now with Physics. I feel like I'm going to explode. Or implode.

    On Monday I went to take a test at the Northeast campus of my school. My classes are all mainly at Southeast. My advisor is at Southeast. Anyway, my professor said we are allowed to have a hand-written formula sheet for the exam, given that there are several equations to find velocity and acceleration, depending on the variables given. Because I have a 504 plan, under the ADA, I have accommodations such as extra time on tests and to have a quiet testing area, so I have to take my tests in the testing center. My instructor didn't specify that I could have a formula sheet, so they didn't allow me to have a formula sheet but other students who tested in the classroom did, so I was at an unfair disadvantage. I brought it up with the instructor today, and he said he would drop the lowest test score, but I still feel like that isn't fair because I have to use my freebie for something that wasn't my fault (I ended up getting a 68.67 on the test...because I missed a 25-point problem involving time and velocity, and I had the wrong formula. It used a variation of the quadratic formula when I used the basic formula involving displacement over time) and other people get to still have theirs.

    I talked with my advisor and she said that she would contact the NE advisor, and set up a meeting. I'm really worried that my professor will be angry with me because of me appealing the case after I had discussed things with him (people don't like it when you go over their heads). I'm I being properly assertive? Am I handling this correctly? What if he gains a dislike for me, and gives me a much harder test than he gives everyone else? I've known professors to do that...I'm just worried what will happen in the meeting with the advisor. She doesn't know me, so I'm also worried that she'll think I'm making things up to get back at the teacher for giving me a low grade.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

  7. Sponsored Links


  8. #1263
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    25,030
    Blog Entries
    4
    Rep Power
    23

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    I feel like I'm going to fly off the handle any day now with Physics. I feel like I'm going to explode. Or implode.

    On Monday I went to take a test at the Northeast campus of my school. My classes are all mainly at Southeast. My advisor is at Southeast. Anyway, my professor said we are allowed to have a hand-written formula sheet for the exam, given that there are several equations to find velocity and acceleration, depending on the variables given. Because I have a 504 plan, under the ADA, I have accommodations such as extra time on tests and to have a quiet testing area, so I have to take my tests in the testing center. My instructor didn't specify that I could have a formula sheet, so they didn't allow me to have a formula sheet but other students who tested in the classroom did, so I was at an unfair disadvantage. I brought it up with the instructor today, and he said he would drop the lowest test score, but I still feel like that isn't fair because I have to use my freebie for something that wasn't my fault (I ended up getting a 68.67 on the test...because I missed a 25-point problem involving time and velocity, and I had the wrong formula. It used a variation of the quadratic formula when I used the basic formula involving displacement over time) and other people get to still have theirs.

    I talked with my advisor and she said that she would contact the NE advisor, and set up a meeting. I'm really worried that my professor will be angry with me because of me appealing the case after I had discussed things with him (people don't like it when you go over their heads). I'm I being properly assertive? Am I handling this correctly? What if he gains a dislike for me, and gives me a much harder test than he gives everyone else? I've known professors to do that...I'm just worried what will happen in the meeting with the advisor. She doesn't know me, so I'm also worried that she'll think I'm making things up to get back at the teacher for giving me a low grade.
    I agree it's unfair that you have to give up your lowest grade for something that was not your fault.

    My mom was a college professor for many years, as long as you are following proper channels I'm pretty sure most don't take it seriously. Keep it professional and don't worry so much that people are going to dislike you.

    Do you have a plan for how to rectify the situation? Retake the test? Ask for credit for the question you missed? Try to have something you want as a start to negotiations.

    And I promise you, people out and about aren't generally looking to get angry at others or looking to dislike another person. We all just want to get along.

  9. Sponsored Links


  10. Likes FlameHeart, sgdp liked this post
  11. #1264
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    25,030
    Blog Entries
    4
    Rep Power
    23

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sgdp View Post
    These are the two CBT workbooks I've used and can really vouch for. I used them to target 2 specific issues related to a traumatic experience and was successful with both of them.

    https://www.amazon.com/Retrain-Your-...ords=cbt&psc=1

    https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Moo...4&keywords=cbt

    I think you might also be the kind to benefit from reading about the neuroscience behind how these methods work. You've probably realized that "Just think positive!" is not helpful--but CBT is different. It works to alter the neural pathways in your brain. This is a book I've read that's about anxiety, but the underlying methodology is the same:

    https://www.amazon.com/Rewire-Your-A...lizabeth+karle

    Essentially, every time we have thoughts that go unchallenged, they travel along a set neural pathway. The more a neural pathway is used, the quicker it is to fire and the more the brain sets it as the 'default' thought process. When you begin to interrupt that pathway using CBT exercises, the default pathway becomes weaker, less sensitive to triggering, and less likely to fire automatically. Sometimes just that little delay in firing is enough for us to step back and mediate our thoughts and emotions.

    I haven't read this one, but this is a book that appears to use the same neuroscience basis to explain depression:

    https://www.amazon.com/Upward-Spiral...E3DTJFJZFH0GQF
    I have a couple books that use those techniques for dealing with low-level chronic pain issues I have. More effective than I had thought they would be.

  12. Sponsored Links


  13. Likes sgdp liked this post
  14. #1265
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Brown University
    Age
    50
    Posts
    20,402
    Rep Power
    14

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    I feel like I'm going to fly off the handle any day now with Physics. I feel like I'm going to explode. Or implode.

    On Monday I went to take a test at the Northeast campus of my school. My classes are all mainly at Southeast. My advisor is at Southeast. Anyway, my professor said we are allowed to have a hand-written formula sheet for the exam, given that there are several equations to find velocity and acceleration, depending on the variables given. Because I have a 504 plan, under the ADA, I have accommodations such as extra time on tests and to have a quiet testing area, so I have to take my tests in the testing center. My instructor didn't specify that I could have a formula sheet, so they didn't allow me to have a formula sheet but other students who tested in the classroom did, so I was at an unfair disadvantage. I brought it up with the instructor today, and he said he would drop the lowest test score, but I still feel like that isn't fair because I have to use my freebie for something that wasn't my fault (I ended up getting a 68.67 on the test...because I missed a 25-point problem involving time and velocity, and I had the wrong formula. It used a variation of the quadratic formula when I used the basic formula involving displacement over time) and other people get to still have theirs.

    I talked with my advisor and she said that she would contact the NE advisor, and set up a meeting. I'm really worried that my professor will be angry with me because of me appealing the case after I had discussed things with him (people don't like it when you go over their heads). I'm I being properly assertive? Am I handling this correctly? What if he gains a dislike for me, and gives me a much harder test than he gives everyone else? I've known professors to do that...I'm just worried what will happen in the meeting with the advisor. She doesn't know me, so I'm also worried that she'll think I'm making things up to get back at the teacher for giving me a low grade.
    Seems to me you were placed at an unfair disadvantage by not being allowed to have a formula sheet. What is a 504? Is that an individualized plan based on any issues the plan holder has in the classroom?

    College students at Newton's Mount Ida College SERIOUSLY got together as a group & made a complaint against a biochemistry professor because "the class was too hard. He put too high expectations on us." The class in question was a senior, or 400 level, biochemistry class.

    I'm acquainted with one of his students. "Gee, Sponge, I passed the class, & I'm 10 years older than the rest of the students & working full time. (Newton, btw, is a wealthy area near Boston). None of the other students was working full time, but they weren't doing stuff like showing up or homework, either, and they filed a complaint against the professor. He wasn't tenured and decided to resign."

    If students can seriously file a grievance over their own negligence of the class, you should be able to arrange a meeting about your not having access to materials the rest of the class did.

  15. Sponsored Links


  16. Likes FlameHeart liked this post
  17. #1266
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    25,030
    Blog Entries
    4
    Rep Power
    23

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Thank you, LilíBit. Iíll check those out.



    Had an interesting thing happen last night. I was dreaming. My dreams are funny in that, while I donít have lucid dreams, Iím always aware that Iím asleep and in fact dreaming. Itís like watching a movie while I sleep. So anyway, in this dream Iím having a discussion with someone, perhaps even an argument. At some point I stand up and notice a mirror on the opposite end of the room from me. I catch my reflection, and the body I see isnít me. Itís a young girl, maybe early teens. Who or what she is, however, isnít whatís important. No, what matters is that for the first time in my life I looked into a mirror and didnít hate the person I saw looking back at me.

    And for a moment, in my sleep, I was happy.
    That is so profound. Have you thought about this dream anymore?

  18. Sponsored Links


  19. #1267
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere out there
    Age
    38
    Posts
    13,907
    Rep Power
    19

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LucyLou View Post
    That is so profound. Have you thought about this dream anymore?
    A bit, yeah. If I could figure out why I carry around all this self hate, it would go a long ways to helping me address all my other issues.

  20. Sponsored Links


  21. #1268
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    Panem
    Age
    20
    Posts
    3,113
    Rep Power
    3

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Seems to me you were placed at an unfair disadvantage by not being allowed to have a formula sheet. What is a 504? Is that an individualized plan based on any issues the plan holder has in the classroom?

    College students at Newton's Mount Ida College SERIOUSLY got together as a group & made a complaint against a biochemistry professor because "the class was too hard. He put too high expectations on us." The class in question was a senior, or 400 level, biochemistry class.

    I'm acquainted with one of his students. "Gee, Sponge, I passed the class, & I'm 10 years older than the rest of the students & working full time. (Newton, btw, is a wealthy area near Boston). None of the other students was working full time, but they weren't doing stuff like showing up or homework, either, and they filed a complaint against the professor. He wasn't tenured and decided to resign."

    If students can seriously file a grievance over their own negligence of the class, you should be able to arrange a meeting about your not having access to materials the rest of the class did.
    Hey Sponge! Sprey I did not respond sooner. A 504 plan is a plan under section 504 of the Americans with Disabilities Act, which George W. Bis signed into law. It allows for certain accommdations if there's a letter from a mental health professional.

    Theinstructor has allowed a retest.The NE advisor really came through for me.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

  22. Sponsored Links


  23. Likes Gidzmo liked this post
  24. #1269
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Brown University
    Age
    50
    Posts
    20,402
    Rep Power
    14

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Thank you, LilíBit. Iíll check those out.



    Had an interesting thing happen last night. I was dreaming. My dreams are funny in that, while I donít have lucid dreams, Iím always aware that Iím asleep and in fact dreaming. Itís like watching a movie while I sleep. So anyway, in this dream Iím having a discussion with someone, perhaps even an argument. At some point I stand up and notice a mirror on the opposite end of the room from me. I catch my reflection, and the body I see isnít me. Itís a young girl, maybe early teens. Who or what she is, however, isnít whatís important. No, what matters is that for the first time in my life I looked into a mirror and didnít hate the person I saw looking back at me.

    And for a moment, in my sleep, I was happy.
    Could it be on some level you identify with women as friends or family more than men?

  25. Sponsored Links


  26. #1270
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Brown University
    Age
    50
    Posts
    20,402
    Rep Power
    14

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Hey Sponge! Sprey I did not respond sooner. A 504 plan is a plan under section 504 of the Americans with Disabilities Act, which George W. Bis signed into law. It allows for certain accommdations if there's a letter from a mental health professional.

    Theinstructor has allowed a retest.The NE advisor really came through for me.


    Hope the test went well, or goes well if it hasn't taken place yet.

  27. Sponsored Links


  28. Likes FlameHeart liked this post
  29. #1271
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    California
    Posts
    6,579
    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    7

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Hey Sponge! Sprey I did not respond sooner. A 504 plan is a plan under section 504 of the Americans with Disabilities Act, which George W. Bis signed into law. It allows for certain accommdations if there's a letter from a mental health professional.

    The instructor has allowed a retest.The NE advisor really came through for me.
    Good for you! Glad the advisor paid attention!
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


  30. Sponsored Links


  31. Likes FlameHeart liked this post
  32. #1272
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere out there
    Age
    38
    Posts
    13,907
    Rep Power
    19

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Could it be on some level you identify with women as friends or family more than men?
    I do feel like I can relate to women better than I can guys. While I was in Colorado, the majority of the friends I made were women.

    Well, maybe relate is the wrong word to use. I donít really relate to anyone. But in a strictly plutonic setting with no romantic overtones, Iím better at talking to women than I am to guys. Of course when it comes to potential romantic relationships, Iím a total mess.

    I should stress, though, since weíre going down this road, I donít believe this to be a sexuality issue. Nothing about my life so far suggests to me that Iím anything other than your run-of-the-mill straight man. So the self hatred isnít rooted in any deep seeded issues of identity. I could go on, I suppose, but I doubt you guys want to hear all the minutia that goes on in my head.

  33. Sponsored Links


Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •