My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. - Page 81

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  1. #1
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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  3. #1201
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Thanks sgdp <3 (and not at all do you come off like a know it all, you are fine ) If I can get through the Bataan death march marathon (26.2 miles in the NM desert) with an orthopedic issue, I can cope with duo personality disorders. If I can cope with ADD on my own, I can cope with duo personality disorders- I just have to keep faith in myself and not get discouraged in therapy. I'm also thinking about teaching myself tap therapy (tapping certain parts of my body and repeating affirmations to myself) to help with self-esteem.

    I'm curious though, what PC games do you recommend? I'm playing Gardenscapes and Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp on mobile, Conqueror Online on PC, and Panic Room and Cross-Stitch World on Facebook. Admittedly, I'm addicted to Gardenscapes, heh.
    Exactly! That's the right idea. You have a 100% record of making it so far. You are more than capable of dealing, and you've proven that time and time again. Not to minimize how hard it is sometimes, because the ups and downs are inevitable, but it's good to hear you have faith. <3 (BTW, I am suuuper impressed that you did that marathon. That is such an amazing accomplishment!)

    The PC series is the Nancy Drew games by HeRInteractive. You can get several older ones on Steam and BigFishGames for a couple of bucks to give them a try. If you like spooky stuff, I can recommend a few of those by name. If you like puzzles, there are a few that are very puzzle heavy. Several are set in museums. Lots of interesting locations, e.g., Paris, Venice, Glasgow, a Tesla-inspired science lab, Egyptian tomb, Japan, cozy Canadian cabin, a ranch in the Old West, etc. If any of these sound interesting to you, let me know. I can get you the exact names of the games.

    The reason I love these games is because Nancy Drew is a huge inspiration known for her courage and kindness. The stories and characters are interesting, and the puzzles keep your mind busy. And there are--wait for it--33 of them. So if you haven't tried them before and end up liking them, you have like a huge marathon of fun ahead! I am actually getting equipment set up to stream myself playing them on Twitch because I have several friends who are into them, too.

    I am super curious about Panic Room, now. I might have to unblock Facebook on my computer to give that a try. I love mysteries!
    ďI seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. Thatís who I am.Ē
    Words of Radiance

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  6. #1202
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Sorry to brag everyone, but I just wanted to share that right now I've got a 3.7 GPA (just checked transcript) and I've been invited to join Alpha Sigma Pi honor society (already a member of Phi Theta Kappa). I'm so excited I know this doesn't seem like much, but considering the struggle I had with Anatomy...this is incredible so far. If I can just get A's and B's this semester and next (I'll be graduating fall of this year), I may have a chance at getting a full-ride to a university, if I can keep playing in the orchestra and demonstrate some other extra-curricular skills.

    That said, I'm not sure if I should wait until I get a Bachelor's to take the MCAT, or if I should simply finish my Associates, as I'll have the courses that are covered on the test when I graduate. Again, sorry for bragging; I don't mean to rub it in anyone's faces. I'm just ecstatic
    Congratulations, FlameHeart!
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  9. #1203
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    Quote Originally Posted by sgdp View Post
    My cat had this, too, and they eventually gave him some sort of drug that essentially cured him. This was after years of the insulin shots and having to shove corn syrup down his throat while he was seizing more than once. I wish I could remember the name of the miracle drug, but I'm not in contact with my mother who would know. See if you can ask about it? <3
    "Caro" syrup.

    Yup.

    I had to ask the vet what that even was.

    I believe it's just a brand name for common corn syrup.

    Glad your cat is O K.

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  12. #1204
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    "Caro" syrup. Yup. I had to ask the vet what that even was. I believe it's just a brand name for common corn syrup. Glad your cat is O K.
    Sounds about right. Glad that the cat is better!
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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