My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. - Page 90

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  1. #1
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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  3. #1336
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Lol, Iíll take an Internet hug. They involve far less touching than the physical ones.

    I havenít experienced anything quite that serious yet, and Iím starting to think thatís why the psychiatrist isnít taking me seriously. I feel like sheís not interested in helping unless I go off the rails completely, but Iím not going to exaggerate my symptoms so severely just to get her attention.
    Nik, I'm going to suggest if this therapist isn't listening to you, or is dismissing your concerns, you find one who will.

    It's your time and money, and it shouldn't be wasted on someone who may not be interested in helping.

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    Lately, my anxiety has been manifesting itself as anger. I'm so so angry. I'm angry with my therapist. I'm refusing to speak to her, despite scheduling more appointments. I'm angry with my father and mother. I'm angry with my professors because I think they hate me. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with everyone. And I hate it. I have so much anger that I've been holding inside for a long, long time. I'm just an angry person.

    There's a theory in psychoanalysis that states that anxiety can be the manifestation of pent up emotion. Maybe that's been the source of my anxiety all along? Is it pent-up anger? And now it's starting to come to the forefront of my mind.

    There's part of me that hopes to hold on to anxiety, because that helps keep me "in check." I intuitively know not to say certain things, because of social anxiety. I am motivated to get things done, and work like a machine because of perfectionistic obsessions about failure, and the compulsions that ironically keep that from happening. That's why I have such high marks. Not because I actually tried or was good at anything. Because I was afraid of failing.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  8. #1338
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Nik, I'm going to suggest if this therapist isn't listening to you, or is dismissing your concerns, you find one who will.

    It's your time and money, and it shouldn't be wasted on someone who may not be interested in helping.
    I hope to do just that. Thank you.

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  11. #1339
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Lately, my anxiety has been manifesting itself as anger. I'm so so angry. I'm angry with my therapist. I'm refusing to speak to her, despite scheduling more appointments. I'm angry with my father and mother. I'm angry with my professors because I think they hate me. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with everyone. And I hate it. I have so much anger that I've been holding inside for a long, long time. I'm just an angry person.

    There's a theory in psychoanalysis that states that anxiety can be the manifestation of pent up emotion. Maybe that's been the source of my anxiety all along? Is it pent-up anger? And now it's starting to come to the forefront of my mind.

    There's part of me that hopes to hold on to anxiety, because that helps keep me "in check." I intuitively know not to say certain things, because of social anxiety. I am motivated to get things done, and work like a machine because of perfectionistic obsessions about failure, and the compulsions that ironically keep that from happening. That's why I have such high marks. Not because I actually tried or was good at anything. Because I was afraid of failing.
    Itís funny, I had sort of the opposite problem. I was (and I suppose still can be) a very angry person. Angry at myself, angry at other people, angry at the world. And while I was angry, I never had (or noticed, at least) any issues with anxiety. Itís only in the past four or fives years that Iíve calmed down quite a bit in terms of anger issues, but now I have some serious anxiety problems.

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  14. #1340
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    I hope to do just that. Thank you.
    Good for you!
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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    Sometimes I think people are colluding against me, to do me harm. Even the stranger just walking down the street. They know the real me, and all my secrets, are talking behind my back, and are going to broadcast it to the world. They know what I'm feeling, and when I'm feeling it. They can hear my every thought. And I can't stop them.
    Last edited by FlameHeart; April 16th, 2018 at 8:51 pm.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  18. #1342
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    I've decided to make a "calming music" playlist on Youtube that contains meditation music, chill step music and even white noise/nature sounds. Is there any specific songs/suggestions that might be a good add? I would greatly appreciate suggestions
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  21. #1343
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    I've decided to make a "calming music" playlist on Youtube that contains meditation music, chill step music and even white noise/nature sounds. Is there any specific songs/suggestions that might be a good add? I would greatly appreciate suggestions
    If you have Pandora or a similar app, maybe make a playlist there as well.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  24. #1344
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    If anyone makes the jump to the new board, I started a thread like this one over there.

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