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  1. #1
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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  3. #961
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    Default

    Enjoying some early fall weather today.

    Am working tonight but off tomorrow.

    Husband finally got Mimi, at least for now, off the "Everyone has things I don't" whine with the final words of Steve Jobs, which are really sad: all the wealth in this life he couldn't take with & what to amass was love & memories.

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  5. #962
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    Actually I think I'm part of the problem.

    I really had not wanted to accept this apartment & don't at all trust the referral site, feel I was jerked around by the Realtor.

    I gave some thought to buying a house but for various reasons have decided it would be an extremely bad idea. Was talking to someone else who really wants to buy in a different area, & he's as a childless man not only not finding anything for him & his fiancee, but finding prices out of his reach & properties that sell going for more than the asking price.

    Being ambivalent about buying I should have kept mum. I will ask her, though, about her classmates giving her a hard time.

    For all I've tried to provide a better relationship than I had with my mom, I'm afraid I can only provide the same.
    There you go. Sometimes classmates can be difficult.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  7. #963
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    Reviving this thread because I think some good discussions have gone on here


    I used to be suicidal, but I think I've finally kicked it. It (well, that and the depression-anxiety loop) is a terrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sometimes in life, we get stuck, or stressed, and get tunnel vision, feeling like there's no way out. But that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Depression comes and goes. I was hospitalized once for suicidal ideation two years ago, and thought I'd hit rock bottom then. But when things get stressful, it's difficult to push the thoughts away sometimes. But when that happens I've learned to look around me at some of the things that make life wonderful- from good relationships, to the changing of seasons, to the day-to-day joys I experience. And think about how if I acted on it, how it would affect those around me.
    Last edited by FlameHeart; December 24th, 2016 at 12:31 am.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  10. #964
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Reviving this thread because I think some good discussions have gone on here


    I used to be suicidal, but I think I've finally kicked it. It (well, that and the depression-anxiety loop) is a terrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sometimes in life, we get stuck, or stressed, and get tunnel vision, feeling like there's no way out. But that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Depression comes and goes. I was hospitalized once for suicidal ideation two years ago, and thought I'd hit rock bottom then. But when things get stressful, it's difficult to push the thoughts away sometimes. But when that happens I've learned to look around me at some of the things that make life wonderful- from good relationships, to the changing of seasons, to the day-to-day joys I experience. And think about how if I acted on it, how it would affect those around me.
    It's a good idea to let someone know this is here, though. Sometimes people have a hard time at this time of the year.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  13. #965
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamy View Post
    We have all experienced those fears at times even after being in a job for many years which is what happened to me. Because of cutbacks and retirements I have been forced to assume job responsibilities and tasks way outside of my comfort zone. I have had a few meltdown moments but then I remembered that not one person started "a new to them job" without some fears and uncertainties and yes mistakes. Do your very best, learn to deep breathe and remember you are likely doing a much better job than you realize. Your fears are trying to get the upper hand. Don't let them. Take it slow and as long as you give your employer your best you have given your all and what more can anyone ask of another person?
    I wish I could just give things over so easily as Dreamy is advising. When I go back in post-holiday, we have taxes to deal with on top of the regular bills. Two cities in particular are a real pain to deal with. We have a bookkeeper, and I am wondering why he is not dealing with the city taxes. We finally got someone with the appropriate license, after just over five months of not having (the guy who was working for us left us in the lurch in June--and left a mess). The person who should have been handling THAT is off in his little world.

    And I have a hard time dealing with life post-holiday, anyway.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  15. #966
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    I wish I could just give things over so easily as Dreamy is advising. When I go back in post-holiday, we have taxes to deal with on top of the regular bills. Two cities in particular are a real pain to deal with. We have a bookkeeper, and I am wondering why he is not dealing with the city taxes. We finally got someone with the appropriate license, after just over five months of not having (the guy who was working for us left us in the lurch in June--and left a mess). The person who should have been handling THAT is off in his little world.

    And I have a hard time dealing with life post-holiday, anyway.
    Is it terrible of me to say the holidays seem really over-rated? I've found the past few years my zeal has completely gone. I guess I got tired of being bombarded with it and subconsciously blocked it out.

    This year I got so bad I failed to print and send my Christmas cards in time, which I enjoy doing. I just couldn't muster up the festiveness. We didn't even really exchange gifts this year.

    Idk maybe I'm just becoming a grinch. Maybe it will be better when I have my own kids and have to recreate the atmosphere for them. But otherwise mehhh.
    “I seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. That’s who I am.”
    Words of Radiance

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  17. #967
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Reviving this thread because I think some good discussions have gone on here


    I used to be suicidal, but I think I've finally kicked it. It (well, that and the depression-anxiety loop) is a terrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sometimes in life, we get stuck, or stressed, and get tunnel vision, feeling like there's no way out. But that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Depression comes and goes. I was hospitalized once for suicidal ideation two years ago, and thought I'd hit rock bottom then. But when things get stressful, it's difficult to push the thoughts away sometimes. But when that happens I've learned to look around me at some of the things that make life wonderful- from good relationships, to the changing of seasons, to the day-to-day joys I experience. And think about how if I acted on it, how it would affect those around me.
    Glad to hear you are doing better! Little by little, day by day
    “I seek the truth. Wherever it may be, whoever may hold it. That’s who I am.”
    Words of Radiance

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  20. #968
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    Quote Originally Posted by sgdp View Post
    Is it terrible of me to say the holidays seem really over-rated? I've found the past few years my zeal has completely gone. I guess I got tired of being bombarded with it and subconsciously blocked it out.

    This year I got so bad I failed to print and send my Christmas cards in time, which I enjoy doing. I just couldn't muster up the festiveness. We didn't even really exchange gifts this year.

    Idk maybe I'm just becoming a grinch. Maybe it will be better when I have my own kids and have to recreate the atmosphere for them. But otherwise mehhh.
    Sometimes the holidays can be stressful. Especially if there are a ton of expectations.
    Does the government work for us or do we work for the government?
    --Judge Andrew Napolitano (FNC senior judicial analyst)


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  22. #969
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    I don't usually do Secret Santa this year but figured this time why not? We were advised to give gift ideas.

    I got a coffee thermos & a gift certificate for Dunkin' Donuts. Gave my recipient a few movies he can watch with his kids.

    Went Black Friday shopping for the first time, too. Got a few pairs of sneakers & sweaters. It was actually kind of fun & hopefully will do it again next year.

    Other than that just enjoying my vacation with a few books.

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  25. #970
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    Leaves from the vine,
    Falling so slow.
    Like fragile tiny shells,
    Drifting in the foam.
    Little soldier boy
    Come marching home.
    Brave soldier boy,
    Comes marching marching home.

    Those leaves did grow
    From beaches overgrown
    Drifting slowly down
    Resting on the loam
    Little soldier boy
    Taken from home
    Forced to fight a war
    That's not his own

    Leaves from the vine
    Falling so slow
    Like fragile tiny shells
    Drifting in the foam
    Little soldier boy says "Carry me home"
    Sleeping soldier boy is carried home
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  28. #971
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Leaves from the vine,
    Falling so slow.
    Like fragile tiny shells,
    Drifting in the foam.
    Little soldier boy
    Come marching home.
    Brave soldier boy,
    Comes marching marching home.

    Those leaves did grow
    From beaches overgrown
    Drifting slowly down
    Resting on the loam
    Little soldier boy
    Taken from home
    Forced to fight a war
    That's not his own

    Leaves from the vine
    Falling so slow
    Like fragile tiny shells
    Drifting in the foam
    Little soldier boy says "Carry me home"
    Sleeping soldier boy is carried home
    You O K?

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  30. #972
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sponge Bob View Post
    You O K?
    A-OK. It's a sad song from Avatar: The Last Airbender. I've adopted a leaf metaphor since starting DBT that helps me when I'm emotional (be the leaf) as a leaf can be flexable and go the direction the wind takes it.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  33. #973
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    Sometimes I feel like a toxic person...for example if something bad happens to someone or if they leave, I feel like it is because of me. I know this is a silly feeling it's just I can't help but worry sometimes. I hope I don't come off that way and I try to be kind, but I can't kick the feeling.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  35. #974
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Sometimes I feel like a toxic person...for example if something bad happens to someone or if they leave, I feel like it is because of me. I know this is a silly feeling it's just I can't help but worry sometimes. I hope I don't come off that way and I try to be kind, but I can't kick the feeling.
    I think we all do the best with what we have. Ornery as I can be, I think relatively few people are truly evil.

    What's toxic to one may not be to another, and nobody is going to work for everyone they meet--nor should everyone work for you. People come and go for various reasons.

    I think if you really were a toxic human being you wouldn't take the time for self introspection & ask if you were part of the problem. A therapist could offer more insight on this.

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  38. #975
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    "One flame, dancing in the shadows."- Allen Pote

    Dear mom,

    I know you won't be reading this. I know you won't care anyway. But I have something to say.
    I know that you don't understand how badly you've hurt me over the years, but is okay. While I don't condone what you've done I still love and forgive you.

    Despite all you have put me through, I'm still here, still standing- partially due to the kindness and support from others. I know you have lost faith in me as far as going into medicine is concerned. You tell me that I will never be as successful as you. But I'm still here, burning bright and dancing in your shadow. Showing kindness in the face of cruelty is an act of bravery, one I have yet to master. I think this burns brighter than showing off how macho you are to everyone.

    I know I've done some terrible things in the past too, and I'm sorry.

    Sincerely, your daughter Catherine
    Last edited by FlameHeart; April 7th, 2017 at 2:48 pm.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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