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  1. #1
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    Default My own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    In light of Robin Williams death, I thought that I'd like to share my own story. I've seen a lot of differing reactions out there, and one thing is clear to me. Some people still don't get it. Clinical depression, being suicidal, isn't something we can just get over. It's not about just being sad. It doesn't matter what, or who, we are surrounded by. Money can't cure it. Fame and respect don't soothe it. A box full of kittens won't ease it. Being that depressed is being fundamentally broken on the inside.

    My own story starts as a teenager. I was an angry child. I had rage issue. I hated myself, even though I never really could pin down why. Back then, it was just brushed aside as common teenage angst. Something I'd grow out of someday. And I did. Or, I thought I did. Adulthood brought me some good friends, good jobs, and eventually a wife and child. I was happy. The demons, however, never really went away. Even in my happiness, I found myself wondering if everyone would be better without me in their lives. They don't really like you, I thought. They just pretend to laugh at your jokes. If you weren't related to them, your family wouldn't choose you. For the most part, I was able to fight those thoughts off. I didn't really take them all that seriously. And anyway, I was too busy drinking those voices into oblivion to pay them any mind.

    Yeah, I drank. A lot. I had to do something to deal with my increasing feelings of self loathing. As you might expect, it didn't help. It only made things worse. To make a long story, well, slightly less long, I wound not drinking away my emotions, but my family instead. I lost almost everything. The wife and daughter I thought I'd never have moved away. So I withdrew from the world, drinking and licking my wounds. That's when the demons really kicked into high gear. All that old self hatred came back in a big way. "See," they told me, "we were right. You are worthless. You screwed it all up, just like we said you would." So I drank more to shut them up.

    Finally, I wound up on a couch at my mother's apartment. There, roughly two years ago, I gave up. I won't call what I did an actual suicide attempt, but I knew that I could die from my actions, and I didn't care. I drank all the beer I could afford to drink, then added a handful of pills into the mix. Then another. Vicodin, Zanax, whatever I could find. I never said to myself, I'm going to die today, but I sure as hell didn't care if I did.

    I came to two days later. I wish I could say my experience was uneventful, but it was not. I lashed out. I said things I can never take back. I nearly drove away my entire family. But I lived. Everything I did, all the things I said, that damage is repairable because I lived. Had I not, the last memory loved ones would have had of me would be that of a hateful, drunken fool, doing his best to hurt them. Thankfully, that's not the case. Call it the grace of god, call it dumb luck, call it what you will, but I'm still here.

    Since that day, life has improved a great deal. I went on to find another good job. I've made some good friends. Hell, I even managed to fall in love again, even if it didn't last. I've carved out a nice life for myself. Here's the thing, though. I'm not cured. My depression didn't magically go away. In moments of weakness, I can still feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel guilty for the things I've done, and that I'm the only one that can properly punish myself for them. But now I know I'm strong enough to fight those thoughts.

    This is how I look at it. I'm on a winning streak. I've beaten suicide for thirty five years now. I beat it this morning when I rose from bed. I beat it just now when I took that breath. I have to stay on guard, though. I'm the one that has to keep winning, because suicide only has to win the once. So I take the small victories and run with them.

    My point in all this, if I have one, is to let folks know that they aren't alone. There are others out there who are going through what you are going through. I don't know the exact nature of your pain. I probably never will. But I know what it can do to you if you let it. And I'm telling you today, you don't have to let it. Reach out to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Look online for like minded people that can help. Just don't go through this thing you have alone, because alone, the odds aren't in your favor. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved. Know that you deserve the good things you have in your life. And if you feel like you don't have anything good yet, know that those things are coming. As a teenager, I thought I'd never be truly happy. I had to wait a while, but I did find that happiness. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. So please, don't go through this alone. You are stronger than you realize. After all all, you've been beating suicide your entire life.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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  3. #1051
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gidzmo View Post
    Glad to hear that your husband's back home. Hopefully he's much better.
    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    prayers for a swift, good recovery.
    Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes! He'll have a long recovery, but I think everything will be okay.



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  6. #1052
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeyJude View Post
    Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes! He'll have a long recovery, but I think everything will be okay.
    I do hope everything turns out OK for him.

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  9. #1053
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwil59 View Post
    There is something that many of the TBI pateints at Shepherd Center said is the best for those. It's illegal though in my state of course, marijuana.

    I am still praying every day for you and the hubby, hang in there though.

    I really miss the old Overcoming Obstacles forum. If you remember there were dozens of regular posters in there.

    I remember Overcoming Obstacles.

    We've decided to take a chance on something most have long since taken a chance on, but here goes: buying a first home.

    It's late, I know. Had we done so when we were living close to the capital, we'd be up a creek with no paddle as our job relocated & we'd be stuck with not only a long commute, but heavy tolls.

    we're going to chance it now, as rents can only go up, and not our current property owner, but some have really unreasonable terms, like periodic inspections of the place.

    I'm sorry, you want what? To look around, snoop on your tenants? Only time I've ever been subjected to that was when the owner needed to do some repair work on the place, or was living on site & remodeling, something of that nature.

    It's getting ridiculous, so we're looking at places to buy, already pre-approved for a loan.

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  11. #1054
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    Hi everyone, I know that you're probably sick of me complaining but I would appreciate some advice. I haveven recently overheard my mom talking on the phone to insurance company and the orthopedics office pretending to be me. I have asked her nicely if she wouldn't do that anymore and she said she was "trying to help." I said I could handle things by myself, though I did appreciate her effort. Well, she'said done it a second time and I am worried she's going to go off on a tangent when pretending to be me and get me fired as a client or a patient. I really wish she would stop before something happens. Is there any way to stop this? I was thinking about removing her from HIPPA (because it's mostly my dad who handles things when I am gone) but it might cause backlash from him (my mom being a doctor and all and she can kind of help us navigate and do paperwork). Any advice I would greatly appreciate.
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  13. #1055
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlameHeart View Post
    Hi everyone, I know that you're probably sick of me complaining but I would appreciate some advice. I haveven recently overheard my mom talking on the phone to insurance company and the orthopedics office pretending to be me. I have asked her nicely if she wouldn't do that anymore and she said she was "trying to help." I said I could handle things by myself, though I did appreciate her effort. Well, she'said done it a second time and I am worried she's going to go off on a tangent when pretending to be me and get me fired as a client or a patient. I really wish she would stop before something happens. Is there any way to stop this? I was thinking about removing her from HIPPA (because it's mostly my dad who handles things when I am gone) but it might cause backlash from him (my mom being a doctor and all and she can kind of help us navigate and do paperwork). Any advice I would greatly appreciate.
    Not sick of you at all. I don't want to give advice in ignorance.

    Are you covered as a dependant under her health insurance? Or your dad's? I know when I call insurance regarding my daughter, that is my right as the insurance is in my name.

    I don't claim I am her, though, as she is all of 11. Sounds as if there is a disrespect of boundaries here, but then that goes on between my mom and myself, which is why I don't visit that much (I'm stuck going soon, which is another story).

    You're 19, which makes you legally an adult. You've asked her nicely a second time, to have the same results, which shows she really doesn't respect your limits.

    Of whom are you a client? The insurance company? I'm confused here.

    As far as the orthopaedic clinic, I'll guess that's where you're the patient. Next time you phone them, would it be possible to ask scheduling or third party billing or even the office manager to require a password only known by you?

    For example, does anyone else but you know your user name on this board? Or some other site?

    Perhaps you could explain to them you think someone may be monitoring your account, or calling without your consent & posing as you, so you wish to set up a password with them to avoid private information getting leaked for HIPAA purposes.

    "HI, THIS IS CATHERINE -------"

    "PASSWORD, PLEASE-------"

    "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AT THIS OFFICE?"

    "WE'RE NOW REQUIRING PASSWORDS FOR HIPAA PURPOSES"

    Or, that account has been flagged, as have a number of our accounts.

    If you feel that is a workable solution, give it a try. If not, or you feel you would be unsafe, than don't.

    I can't see how you'd be discharged as patient, though. I got really ugly with a third party biller, and I still have the HRA & the insurance. Idiots had me precertified for an MRI, then, when they got the bill, seriously audited it to see what I had done at that facility.

    Gee, after all the trouble you went through to tell me last time if I got the charges cleared in advance, I wouldn't receive any of these foolish notices afterwards, you send a foolish notice asking what the charge was about, as if I went to an MRI facility for coffee & doughnuts?

    Oh, boy did I get nasty. And I really do need to select another plan at open enrollment.

    But you decide if that's going to work for you.

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  16. #1056
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    Well, it's no use and I've all but given up. Started having some symptoms of another impending crash back in April, had it in May and was basically unable to work for a month. Then it was time for my daughter's visit, and I thought I was doing okay again. I was not. And I've only gotten worse from where I started. I probably lost my job today because I can't function like a normal ****ing human being long enough to put in a full work day. No job, no income, no insurance, no way out.

    I'm a ****ing failure. I've failed at every *******ed thing I've ever done. Now I can't work. Hell, I can' barely leave the house. And since I spent all my savings over the summer, I have no cushion to fall back on. I'm in real trouble, not even sure I want to fix it anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I don't have the energy anymore to fix myself either. So **** it.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Well, it's no use and I've all but given up. Started having some symptoms of another impending crash back in April, had it in May and was basically unable to work for a month. Then it was time for my daughter's visit, and I thought I was doing okay again. I was not. And I've only gotten worse from where I started. I probably lost my job today because I can't function like a normal ****ing human being long enough to put in a full work day. No job, no income, no insurance, no way out.

    I'm a ****ing failure. I've failed at every *******ed thing I've ever done. Now I can't work. Hell, I can' barely leave the house. And since I spent all my savings over the summer, I have no cushion to fall back on. I'm in real trouble, not even sure I want to fix it anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I don't have the energy anymore to fix myself either. So **** it.
    You are not a failure! You got through it once, yet it has suckered punched you when you least expected it. You have had a relapse. I've had them too. You have changed for the better, but your demons are still the same. Remember me and last summer? That was pretty bad. But I came out the other end, thanks to people's support. I'm here for you, if you need someone to lean on.

    Can you maybe e-mail your boss explaining what happened? I'm sure he would at least be able to see that you're willing to put in the effort and communicate, which I think speaks a lot.

    Also, can I share something? I haven't been able to work full-time either. Or go to school full-time, unlike every other 20-year-old. Ever since my surgery, I have been more or less depressed, my bouts of anger and even attention-seeking, the self-harm and self-loathing, and paranoia under stress led to me being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I've had issues regulating my emotions (before I used to bottle them up and hide them) but now, that bottle has so many cracks from bursting under pressure that it doesn't hold anything anymore. I had nightmares, and though I would never get over my traumas, or my anxiety, or my depression...but I'm still here. Isolated, but I'm still here. You are a good person, Nik; nothing is worth ending your life over. Life has threw you into a tail-spin, but you can get out of it. Some tips that I use for managing anxiety is to take a few deep breaths, distract myself, and to the best of my ability, set aside a "worry time," and most importantly, focus on the present. Some mindfulness meditation might be of help to you, too, to stay in the present and keep yourself grounded.

    Try making a list of pros and cons about the situation, and make a list of possible solutions. Reach out to a counselor, if you need to talk, or PM one of us here at hannityland. I won't stop believing in you until you believe in yourself...if you can be here for me, then I'm here for you. Actually, we all can be here for you. Please do not give up; there is hope <3 You can do it. Just gotta take things day by day, too (like sgdp said, riz buh riz): I see that you're overwhelmed, so it's important to take baby steps across the river it doesn't catch you in its currant. What do you need to do right now? Focus on that. Then focus on the next thing, then the next. Remember self-care, too. What helps me is taking a bubble bath, and sometimes doing my makeup.
    Last edited by FlameHeart; August 21st, 2017 at 6:07 pm. Reason: thought pattern flowed too fast for me to type...
    "Ignis aurum probat"

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  21. #1058
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Well, it's no use and I've all but given up. Started having some symptoms of another impending crash back in April, had it in May and was basically unable to work for a month. Then it was time for my daughter's visit, and I thought I was doing okay again. I was not. And I've only gotten worse from where I started. I probably lost my job today because I can't function like a normal ****ing human being long enough to put in a full work day. No job, no income, no insurance, no way out.

    I'm a ****ing failure. I've failed at every *******ed thing I've ever done. Now I can't work. Hell, I can' barely leave the house. And since I spent all my savings over the summer, I have no cushion to fall back on. I'm in real trouble, not even sure I want to fix it anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I don't have the energy anymore to fix myself either. So **** it.
    I also have not been working full-time hours, but that is because of other people. But the stress is taxing. The toughest part is hanging in there.
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  24. #1059
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Well, it's no use and I've all but given up. Started having some symptoms of another impending crash back in April, had it in May and was basically unable to work for a month. Then it was time for my daughter's visit, and I thought I was doing okay again. I was not. And I've only gotten worse from where I started. I probably lost my job today because I can't function like a normal ****ing human being long enough to put in a full work day. No job, no income, no insurance, no way out.

    I'm a ****ing failure. I've failed at every *******ed thing I've ever done. Now I can't work. Hell, I can' barely leave the house. And since I spent all my savings over the summer, I have no cushion to fall back on. I'm in real trouble, not even sure I want to fix it anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I don't have the energy anymore to fix myself either. So **** it.
    I can't imagine what that's like. Wish you well.
    Trump supporters have space bugs in their heads. It is the only explanation.

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  27. #1060
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nik Notorious View Post
    Well, it's no use and I've all but given up. Started having some symptoms of another impending crash back in April, had it in May and was basically unable to work for a month. Then it was time for my daughter's visit, and I thought I was doing okay again. I was not. And I've only gotten worse from where I started. I probably lost my job today because I can't function like a normal ****ing human being long enough to put in a full work day. No job, no income, no insurance, no way out.

    I'm a ****ing failure. I've failed at every *******ed thing I've ever done. Now I can't work. Hell, I can' barely leave the house. And since I spent all my savings over the summer, I have no cushion to fall back on. I'm in real trouble, not even sure I want to fix it anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I don't have the energy anymore to fix myself either. So **** it.
    Nik, how long have you been at your job & how many people does the employer employ?

    If you've been there at least a year & they employ at least 50 people within so many miles , you may be able to take intermittent Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) for your mental health condition.

    Hopefully you have a physician who isn't like the neuro I consulted (looking back this woman was quite talkative, but I was even sicker on her plan of action). When I submitted easy to sign paperwork for intermittent FMLA she either couldn't or wouldn't sign it. I may try again with my primary doc.

    Hopefully your physician will sign this simple paperwork for you if you qualify based on amount of time employed there. How is your daughter?

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  30. #1061
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    For a variety of reasons, those options are not available to me. As far as I know.
    This space for rent, inquire within.

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