Tell Us A Joke

[bayoubill]

Q: How many lawyers' wives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

[Clamp]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

[Darkwind]

(Reposted from Military-Space.org)

I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to checkout. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

Duh? (is she kidding???) On impulse, I told her no I didn't have any
dogs, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street
licking my ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he
staggered to the door laughing his ass off.

[dittoheadAZ]

:)) :)) :)) :)) :))

** JOKE/POST OF THE DAY! **

All it needed was a "Here's Your Sign" and it would've been perfect! :D

[SarahG]

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen!

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Winston O'Boogie]

President Hillary was discussing things with Secretary of Defense Murtha and Secretary of State Kerry, and....................

It's too funny to go on......

[Winston O'Boogie]

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen!

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Good one Sarah. :clap::clap::clap: Hope you tighten up (from your "loosely" Hannitized line). :))

[SarahG]

Good one Sarah. :clap::clap::clap: Hope you tighten up (from your "loosely" Hannitized line). :))

:)

This could be a fun thread if some of you guys would post up some of your favorite jokes.

[bayoubill]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."



(Beliefnet.com)

[soupdragon]

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

[BmanVet]

Two men are golfing when a funeral procession drives by. One of the men takes off his hat, crosses his hands in front of him and bows his head. The other man says "Wow, that was touching, I didnt know you were that respectfull"

The first man says: " Well, its the least I could do, we were married for 25 years"

[Wireline]

Did you hear about the two maggots making love?

They were getting after it in dead Ernest

[soupdragon]

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

[DarthBush]

I only know racist jokes about blacks and jews.. sorry





jk

[LouC]

A young man took his blonde girfriend to Vegas. He didn't want to pay a valet so he dropped her at the front door of the casino and told her to wait inside and he would go park the car. He comes in to the casino lobby and sees his girlfriend standing in front of a soda machine with an arm full of cokes and shoving quarters into the coin slot. He asks her "Honey what are you doing?" To which she replies "Duh" "Winning".

[BmanVet]

I only know racist jokes about blacks and jews.. sorry





jk

a sad thing when as soon as I read your post, the huge list of racist, ethnic, sexist, and gross jokes started rifling through my brain...alot are funny, when taken for exactly what they are...jokes

[Claymore]

I arrived in London and hailed a cab to go to my hotel.

"Do you know where the King's Arms are?" I asked the cabbie.

"Roight, Guv'nor." the fellow replied, "They're ussually 'round the Queen's ass."

[Lego-Man]

A duck walks into a feed store. He walks right up to the counter and asks the clerk: "Got any fish?"

The clerk says "No, this isn't a fish store, it's a feed store".

the duck goes away.

Next day, the same duck waddles up to the counter.

"Got any fish?"

The clerk repeats there is no fish, and describes some of the feeds they carry. The duck leaves the store.

Next day, The duck again walks back to the counter.

"Got any fish?"

"Look," says the clerk, "I keep telling you we ain't got no fish. If you come in here again and ask me that, I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the floor.!!"

The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks up to the counter:

"Got any nails?"

The clerk, exasperated now, loses his cool: "This ain't no dammed hardware store. No we ain't got no nails!!"

"Good, got any fish?"

[Lego-Man]

Bubba and a friend of his went to Wal-Mart one day. There was a drawing going on, so they bought a chance on it. Bubba's friend wins second prize, a years supply of spaghetti. Bubba won 7th prize, a toilet brush.

A couple weeks later, Bubba and his friend are at McDonald's having lunch. Bubba asks how the spaghetti was going. "Great," says his friend. I haven't ate so much for a long time."

Then his friend asks Bubba how the toilet brush is working out.

Bubba shakes his head sadly. "Not so good," he says. "In fact, I'm thinking of switching back to paper again."

[Lego-Man]

A guy walks into the proctologist's office complaining about a problem with his penis. So, the doctor has him strip down so he can examine the problem for himself.

The guy has the smallest "tool" the doc has ever seen. It might have been at most an inch long if stretched. The doctor started laughing at what he sees, embarrassing the poor patient.

After about five minutes, the doctor gets control of himself and apologizes about laughing at him. He says he's a professional, and laughing at a patient is just not professional, and promises never to do it again.

The patient accepts his aplogy.

"Now," says the doctor, "What's wrong with it?"

"It's swollen."

[chip]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?



























































Christopher Walken!

[Lego-Man]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken!

Dude, that as bad as:

What has a million legs ain't can't walk?
























Jerry's kids.:whistle:

[bayoubill]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?



























































Christopher Walken!


I'll burn in Hell, but ROFLMAO!!!

[outfromunder]

A Florida Senior Citizen, 76, drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
> of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
> enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,"
> he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in
> his
> rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
> flashing
> and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly
> he
> thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await
>
> the Trooper's arrival.
>
> Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
> his
> watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
> can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let
> you
> go."
>
> The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
> Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
>
> "Have a good day, Sir, " replied the Trooper.
>

[chip]

I'll burn in Hell, but ROFLMAO!!!

:mrgreen:

[dittoheadAZ]

(If you don't get this joke, then Google Earth the Phoenix area and show the roads...)

A policeman pulled over a car that was westbound on I-10 through the middle of Phoenix, going only 15 MPH. When he walked up to the car, he noticed that there was an elderly lady driving.

"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No, officer," she replied.

"You were going 15 miles per hour on the freeway."

"I'm sorry, officer, if I was going too fast," she replied.

"Too fast? No, you were going too slow," he answered.

"Too slow?.... but I saw the sign, it said 10 MPH."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "the speed limit here is 55. What you saw was the highway sign. This is Interstate 10."

"Oh, I'm sorry, officer," she replied.

The officer then looked into the back seat, and noticed that there were two other elderly ladies in the back, gripping the armrests on the doors, faces drawn in shock, and completely paralyzed in fear.

"Ma,am," the officer said, gesturing into the back seat, "do you know what's wrong with them?"

"Yes, officer," she replied. "I believe it's because I just got off the 202."

[JimGP20]

An old man aged 90 gets married to a young girl aged 20 and goes to his doctor for viagra. The doctor says ''sorry but giving a man aged 90 viagra can be dangerous''. The old man pleads and begs for viagra, after a while the doctor gives in and states though it can only be taken under strict guide lines and only for five days. The doctor says take ''half a dose ,skip a day, half a dose skip a day until the fifth day''. The old man does this for the five days, when his wife rings the doctor and says ''he's dead''. The doctor said ''I knew if I gave him viagra it would kill him'', his wife said ,''no it wasn't the viagra that killed him ,it was all that damned skipping".

[JimGP20]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[SarahG]

A Florida Senior Citizen, 76, drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
> of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
> enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,"
> he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in
> his
> rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
> flashing
> and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly
> he
> thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await
>
> the Trooper's arrival.
>
> Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
> his
> watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
> can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let
> you
> go."
>
> The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
> Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
>
> "Have a good day, Sir, " replied the Trooper.
>

Ok these jokes are pretty funny but this one, I am stealing... Ok?

[dittoheadAZ]

This 90-year-old guy is going to get married to a 20-year-old girl. His son, who is the ripe young age of 60, goes to have a talk with him, to try to talk him out of it, fearing for his health.

"Listen, dad, I know you two love each other, and you want to get married. But please, make sure you take precautions. You see, you're 90, and she's 20. Now, I'm going to be blunt about this. Too much sex could be fatal. I suggest that when you two move into your house, you take on a boarder. A YOUNG boarder, if you get my meaning. That way, she'll have someone who can keep her company. We don't want anyone dropping dead from exhaustion, right? Hint, hint."

"I understand, son... too much sex can be dangerous; I should take on a young boarder to keep her company; I think I know what you mean."

"OK, thanks, dad," the son replies, and leaves.

A week later is the wedding, and everything goes fine. A month later, the son pays a visit to his dad to see how he's doing.

"Almost everything's great, son! The wife and I are having a great time, and believe it or not, she's pregnant!"

"Ah, yes, dad, so I see you took my advice and brought in a boarder to share the strenuous burden of sex."

"Yep, son, and that's why I said only almost everything is great. You see, I brought in a boarder to share the strain and keep everyone alive, but now SHE'S pregnant too!"

[BmanVet]

A retired man goes to his Dr's office and tells his doctor that something is wrong with his manhood. So, the Doc says ok, lets take a look. The man drops his pants and his member has turned completely orange. The doctor has never seen this before.
THe doctor says: "Do you work with hazardous materials, or chemicals or anything like that?

The Man says: "No, I'm retired. All I do is sit at home all day eating cheetos and watching porn."

[dittoheadAZ]

A retired man goes to his Dr's office and tells his doctor that something is wrong with his manhood. So, the Doc says ok, lets take a look. The man drops his pants and his member has turned completely orange. The doctor has never seen this before.
THe doctor says: "Do you work with hazardous materials, or chemicals or anything like that?

The Man says: "No, I'm retired. All I do is sit at home all day eating cheetos and watching porn."

:)) :)) :))

Intellectual humour - a 2-step punchline - for those that don't get it, you need to make two connections rather than just one ;)

[dittoheadAZ]

An oldie but goodie - in case (gasp!) the Clinton's get back in, Hillary may let Bill run the country this time!

Bill Clinton's proposed cabinet:

Secretary of Treasury - Charles Keating
Secretary of Defense - Rodney King
Secretary of Transportation - Ted Kennedy
Secretary of Education - Joycelyn Elders
Secretary of Health and Human Services - Barney Frank
Secretary of Labor - Anita Hill
Housing and Urban Development - Leona Helmsley
Attorney General - John Edwards
Surgeon General - Jack Kevorkian
Drug Czar - Marion Barry
FBI Director - Craig Livingstone
Veterans Administration - Jane Fonda
Space Agency Administration - Timothy Leary
National Endowment for the Arts - Madonna
Race Relations Board - Jesse Jackson & David Duke
Chief of Staff - Monica Lewinsky

[bayoubill]

An elderly couple in their late 90's goes to see their attorney.

"We want to get a divorce," says the old gentleman.

The attorney, who has taken care of the couple's legal affairs for many years, is astonished.

"But, you've been married for more than 75 years!" says the attorney incredulously. "Why now?"

"Well," explains the old lady, "We felt we should wait until after the kids were dead."

[bayoubill]

Q: Why haven't researchers found a cure for AIDS?

A: Because they can't get the rats to butt-****.




(Is this allowed?)

[bayoubill]

A retired man goes to his Dr's office and tells his doctor that something is wrong with his manhood. So, the Doc says ok, lets take a look. The man drops his pants and his member has turned completely orange. The doctor has never seen this before.
THe doctor says: "Do you work with hazardous materials, or chemicals or anything like that?

The Man says: "No, I'm retired. All I do is sit at home all day eating cheetos and watching porn."

:)) :)) :))

Intellectual humour - a 2-step punchline - for those that don't get it, you need to make two connections rather than just one ;)


"Intellectual humour"




















:))

[bpjack2]

Ok, a man goes on vacation to china and while there he decides to sleep with as many chinese hookers as possible. Well he goes home and a few weeks later his manhood has turned green and shrivelled up. So he goes to the doctor to see what the doc has to say. Well the doc tells him he has Chinese PenalGangreen disease and he needs to have surgery to amputate it. The man is astonished but does not want to part with his manhood so he goes and sees a Chinese doctor for a second opinion.

Well he goes in to see the Chinese doctor and tells him "My penis is shriveled up and green and my doctor told me it was Chinese PenalGangreen and that I would need surgery to amputate it." The Chinese doctor looks at him and says "silly american doctor. all they want to do is cut cut cut and do surgeries." The man replies "Thanks that's a load off." The Chinese doctor responds with "No surgery required, It fall off in 5 days anyways."

[outfromunder]

Ok these jokes are pretty funny but this one, I am stealing... Ok?

That's fine, I stole it from someone else so I could post it here

[Lego-Man]

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

[Lego-Man]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[Lego-Man]

WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT, BUT PROBABLY SHOULD:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
can't help but wonder -
What the heck was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people
as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
Congratulations Anyway!

7. I've always wanted
to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

8. As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am...
Now that you're not here to ruin it for me.

9. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

10. Someday I hope to get married.
But not to you.

11. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

12. When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

13. I am so glad that we are such good friends...
Relatives always expect money in their card.

14. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

15. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

16. Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

17. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Kentucky, West Virginia and parts
of Tennessee)

[Lego-Man]

There are two guys in a bar...one says, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!!!"

"Whoa, what the heck happened to him?" asks the other guy.

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!" says the other guy.

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted -- 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how did he die?" asks the other guy.

"I shot him!" the first guy exclaims.

"You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?"

"The son of a gun was wrecking my house!"

[Lego-Man]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

[Lego-Man]

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words:

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

[Ardathair]

A woman walks into a tatoo parlor and asks for two tatoos. A cornicopia on the inside of her right thigh and mistle toe on the inside of her left thigh.

When asked why she wants them she says, "Now my husband can't complain that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

[Mithrastan]

What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhinoceros?

[dittoheadAZ]

What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhinoceros?

'ell if I know.

:think:

:eek:

[Libstomper]

Saddam Hussein at the Pearly Gates

When Saddam Hussein died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties, but you failed!" James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, he beat Hussein with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.
" The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader. As Hussein lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Hussein wept and said, "but, but, THIS is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "Ooooh?? I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

[Mithrastan]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, sitting on a pile of leaves?

[Libstomper]

A leprechaun walks into a bar; hops up to the bar stool and orders a pint. There's nothing too out of the ordinary about this scenario, however there is something strange about this particular leprechaun--It seems he had a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants. The other patrons in the bar all stare, but none of them had the courage to ask him what the deal with the steering wheel was.

Eventually, after everyone had a few more pints, one barfly finally gets the courage up to ask the leprechaun about the steering wheel in his fly. After the last swig, he blurts out, "I have GOT to ask, why is there a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of your pants??"

To which the leprechaun replied, "The steering wheel?? Its driving me nuts!"

[Libstomper]

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

[Libstomper]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, sitting on a pile of leaves?

Russell!

[Mithrastan]

If you're American before you go into the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
European.

What are you when you feel a strong urge to be European?
Russian.

If you're European when you're in the bathroom, what are you when you leave?
Finnish.

[jungulator]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[dittoheadAZ]

This guy goes into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow dogs in here."

The guy replies, "Yeah, but this is no ordinary dog - it's a TALKING dog!"

The bartender says, "Oh yeah? You got 10 seconds to convince me."

The guy turns to the dog and says, "What's that on top of the bar?" The dog looks up and says, "Roof."

The bartender is not amused.

The guy asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?" The dog says, "Ruff."

The bartender's face starts to turn red.

The guy asks the dog, "Who was the greatest homerun hitter of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth."

The bartender, steam coming out of his ears, says, "That's it - get OUT of here!" And the bouncer picks both the guy and the dog up and hurls them out the door.

As they're sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks up at the guy and says, "Or was it Aaron?"

[bayoubill]

A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and he couldn't run after the hat.

Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you."

The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack.

In the first race he noticed a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.

At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he'd been. He explained about catching the Rabbi's hat, and being blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and did so well betting on horses named after hats.

"So where's the money?" she said.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named 'Chateau' and it lost."

"You fool," exclaimed his wife, 'Chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulka'."

[BmanVet]

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an athiest are playing golf, and trying to decide how much each congregation should donate to a certain charity. The priest says, I know, we draw a circle on the ground, throw all the money up into the air, and what ever lands inside the circle, we give to charity.

The Rabbi says, no no no, we draw a circle on the ground, throw all the money up into the air, and whatever lands outside the circle, we give to charity.

The athiest says, I got it! We draw a circle on the ground, throw all the money up into the air, and whatever God wants, He keeps!

[DonHo]

Adam goes to the God and says: “God, when you made Eve for me, why did you make her so beautiful?”“ So you could love her “ God says. “But God “ Adam goes again ,” why did you make her such a dummy?” God looks at Adam , smiles and say’s “ So she could love you”

[AmericanMuscle]

Two molecules are walking down the street. One suddenly stops and says, "Wait, I think I dropped an electron." The other looks at him and asks "Are you positive?"

[SUVRon]

(Reposted from Military-Space.org)

I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to checkout. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

Duh? (is she kidding???) On impulse, I told her no I didn't have any
dogs, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street
licking my ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he
staggered to the door laughing his ass off.

That was great and I'm LMAO right now after reading that :))

[bayoubill]

Reminds me of a Boudreaux and Thibodeaux joke.

(Note: Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes are silly Cajun humor, very popular down here.)

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are sitting on Boudreaux's front porch, shootin' the breeze and drinking beer.

Thibodeaux looks out and sees Boudreaux's dog in the front yard, licking his balls.

"Man, I wish I could do that," says Thibodeaux.

"Yeah, but he'd probably bite you," replies Boudreaux.

[Lord Dreadmore]

a priest walks up to a rabbi and says "Why don't you eat pork? the rabbi says "its against my religion" the rabbi asks the priests "why don't you date women" the priest says "its against my religion" the rabbi says "you oughta try it, it's better than pork!"

[Mithrastan]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender grabs one for him.
"How much is that gonna be", asks the neutron.
"For you, no charge".

[Libstomper]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender grabs one for him.
"How much is that gonna be", asks the neutron.
"For you, no charge".

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[bayoubill]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are out fishing one day.

After a while, Thibodeaux takes out a cigarette and asks Boudreaux for a light.

Boudreaux reaches into his tackle box and pulls out an enormous cigarette lighter.

"Keeyaw!" exclaims Thibodeaux, "Dat's the biggest lighter I ever saw! Wher' at you got dat from?"

"I got it from a genie who lives in an old coffee pot over on the other side of the swamp," replies Boudreaux.
"She granted me a wish, an' dis is what I got, me."

"Tonnerre! You gotta show me where dat coffee pot is at," insists Thibodeaux.

So they start up the boat and soon arrive at the other side of the swamp.

Boudreaux pokes around until he finds the coffee pot. He hands it to Thibodeaux and says,
"Ya gotta give it a few rubs to get her to come out."

Thibodeaux rubs on the coffee pot, rubbing and rubbing, until finally, the genie appears.

The genie, a wizzened old grandmere, yawns and says "Whachu want, you?"

"I wish for a million bucks!" says Thibodeaux excitedly.

"You got it," replies the genie, who then disappears back into the coffee pot.

The sky suddenly becomes dark, and

"WUMP! WUMPWUMP! WUMPWUMPWUMPWUMPWUMPWUMPWUMPWUMPWUMP...!"

Thousands upon thousands of ducks fall to the ground and pile up all around Boudreaux and Thibodeaux.

"Mais, what's with this?!" demands Thibodeaux. "I asked for a million bucks!"

"Oh," replies Boudreaux, "I forgot to tell you. That genie, she's a little hard of hearing.
Believe me, of all the things I coulda asked for, it sure wasn't a twelve inch Bic."

[karenhoney]

Ok, how about a little humor?


"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees one afternoon. "Yes, I sure do!" the new employee answered. "Well, then that makes everything just fine!" the boss continued..."After you left to go to your grandmother's funeral yesterday, she stopped in to see you!"

One Easter Sunday morning, the minister was preaching the children's sermon. He reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. Pointing to the egg, he asked the kids, "Can anyone tell me what's in here?" "I know!" a small boy replied, "Pantyhose!"

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no, I was just planning on supporting your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves!"

A little boy, attending church for the first time, curiously watched as the ushers passed around the collection plates. When they came near to the boy's pew, he stated loudly, "Don't pay for me, daddy...I'm still under 5!"

"Oh Grandma! I sure am glad you came to visit us! Now maybe daddy will do that trick he's been promising to do!" "What trick is that, Johnny?" Grandma inquired. "Well, daddy said if you came to visit he would climb the walls...I can't wait to see that!"

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

[karenhoney]

An old farmer entered the pharmacy, approached the druggist and said, "I needs me some of dem dar condoms...the ones with da pesticides in it." The druggist, confused, replied, "Sir, don't you mean spermacide?" The farmer replied, "No, I needs me a condom with some of dat ol' pesticide in it!" The druggist, now totally confused, replied, "Sir, I believe you are mistaken. The condoms are on aisle 5, but condoms do not contain pesticide...only spermacide." The farmer, becoming frustrated, said (a bit loudly)..."Young man! I needs a condom with pesticide in it...my wife's done got a bug up her ass, and I aims to kill it!"

[Libstomper]

This joke is better if you read it out loud:

In the middle of the South Pacific, there is an island with a very curious indigenous population. They are known the world over as Trids. The Trids are a peace loving Jewish people that only grow to a foot and half tall. The other than the Trids and various other lesser animals, the only other inhabitant of this small island is a giant ogre. The ogre would take great pleasure in kicking Trids off of the island with his large foot. The last Trid that he had kicked went so far, that he crashed through the roof of the hut occupied by the island's only Rabbi--killing the Rabbi instantly.

After a period of mourning, the Trids decided it was time to get a new Rabbi; so they sent out a message. A month or so later, a new Rabbi appeared on a boat, and came to read the scriptures and teach the Trids. Meanwhile, the Ogre kept on kicking the Trids off of the island and into the ocean, business as usual. The Rabbi, new to the island, became livid when he heard that the ogre was kicking his people off of the island. He demanded an audience with the ogre.

The ogre decided to indulge this new Rabbi, and granted him and audience in his giant mansion. The Rabbi, furious, shouted to the ogre ,

"Why do you keep kicking my people off of this island? The trids are peaceful God fearing creatures, and if you are going to kick them off the island--I demand that you kick me off too!"

The ogre looked at him puzzled for a moment, and then took a deep breath and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

[Smokin Jay]

Okay. Time for a dirty joke............


After her three daughters got married and settled in London, the Mother received a letter from each describing married life. One daughter wrote only three words: "Maxwell House Coffee." The Mother was confused at first, but one day while reading the paper she saw an ad from Maxwell House Coffee that said "Good to the last drop", and was happy.

The second daughters message said "Rothmans". Mother looked for an ad from Rothmans, and it said "King Size", and Mother was happy.

Mother had waited anxiously for the letter from her third daughter. Finally the message came. It said "British Airways". Mother saw a billboard for British Airways it read "Two times a day, four times a week, both ways", Mother fainted.

[dittoheadAZ]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Liability]

Christmas Songs for Liberals or other seriously disturbed individuals:

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells

[rgandy1018]

Joe is going out with his friends to celebrate a new job. They stop at a bar to have a few drinks, and get seats. Just as the barkeep comes up to them to ask what they want, he notices five blondes sitting at two drawn-together tables.

They're standing over the tables, and cheering "21 days! 21 days!"

So Joe looks at the most enthusiastic one in the group, thinking "hey she looks hot, maybe I can get her number."

So he gets up and walks over to the ladies, all while they're cheering "21 days! 21 days!", jumping up and down.

Then without warning, the girl he was looking at before turns to him with a smile on her face and grabs his shoulders. She looks at him, yells "21 days!" at the top of her lungs.

This sets off clapping and whooping from the obviously drunk group.

"So . . . what's the occasion?" Joe asks.

The blonde points to the table. On it is a jigsaw puzzle of Sesame Street characters.

"Huh?"

"Look! The box says 2 to 5 years, and we got it done in 21 days!"

[bayoubill]

Aggie jokes (jokes at the expense of folks from Texas A&M) used to be real popular down here. I just remembered one:

During an LSU-Texas A&M game, an Aggie and an LSU guy go into the men's room to take a leak.

The LSU guy finishes up and walks out.

The Aggie finishes up, washes his hands, and, catching up with the LSU guy, says:

"Ya know, where I come from, they taught us to wash our hands after we take a leak."

The LSU guy replies:

"Yeah, well, where I come from, they taught us not to **** on our hands."

[Stuball]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
" Couple of minutes ago."

[drylok]

lol

[dittoheadAZ]

Blame my sister for sending me this one...

---------------------------------------------

NEW BRA ANNOUNCED!

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.

[melinda]

Blame my sister for sending me this one...

---------------------------------------------

NEW BRA ANNOUNCED!

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.

I got lost right after it said "Texas University"....there is no such place. ;)

[dittoheadAZ]

This guy was travelling across the country, and he stopped in Flagstaff to get a bite to eat at a restaurant. He noticed outside the restaurant that there was a crowd gathering around a table, and seated at the table was an Indian. When the guy went outside, he asked a bystander what was going on.

"That's our local folk hero," the bystander replied. "After you leave the restaurant, you take your bill, put it face down, and put a $10 on top. He will look at you and tell you what you had for breakfast. He will then turn over your bill, and if he's wrong, he gives you $20. Otherwise, he keeps your $10."

"No way," the guy thought. "He'll never guess that I had scrambled eggs for breakfast." So he went over to the Indian, set his bill on the table face down, took $10 out of his wallet, and set it on the table.

The Indian looked up at him, studied his face for a few seconds, and said, "You had eggs for breakfast." He turned over the bill, and pocketed the $10.

The guy walked away, shaking his head. He then continued on his trip, but he got to thinking... "I'll bet there's some kind of a rig. He has a confederate get a glimpse of your bill, and there's some kind of signal. You know, I'll bet he lets other Indians win. Hah - that's what I'll do - I'll dress as an Indian and do the same thing on the way back home."

So he bought an authentic Indian outfit, face paint, feathers, and all the garb, and after he had breakfast in Flagstaff on the way back home, he stopped off to switch into the outfit. Then walking up to the Indian outside, he put his bill down upside-down, slapped down a $10 on top, lifted his right hand, palm-forward, and said, "How!"

The Indian looked up at him, studied his face for a few seconds, and said, "Scrambled."

[dittoheadAZ]

I got lost right after it said "Texas University"....there is no such place. ;)

When I first read the joke from my sister, I got lost right after it said "nipples"... :twisted:

[dittoheadAZ]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little loudmouth on your knee."

[melinda]

what did the blonde name her zebra?







spot. :))

[dittoheadAZ]

What did the C6H2(NO2)3CH3 say to the detonator?

"Come with me; we'll have a blast!"

[Panhead0422]

Q. What do you call a group of blondes standing in a walk in freezer?


A. Frosted Flakes.

[Liability]

Time for a family friendly clean joke.

So these two lesbians were making out ....

stop me if you've heard this one.

[F9thRet]

One day an American, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the American.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "oh god! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

Stephen

[jungulator]

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "What will you have?" The skeleton replies "A beer and a mop"

[melinda]

What did the drag queen say to the Priest?








Love the dress, but your purse is on fire. :)) :)) :))

[AmericanMuscle]

Mr. AM was lamenting the fact that we had to go to mass. Granted, it is quite a drive and getting the children ready and keeping them in place during mass can be tiring. I reminded him that our Lord suffered tremendously for us! He paid for our sins by giving his very life...

To which Mr. AM responded...

Not every Sunday!

(Note to self: Go to confession~)

[AmericanMuscle]

what did the blonde name her zebra?







spot. :))

I'm using that Monday! That's rich!

[orbitaldecay]

Hillary Clinton goes to Heaven and God meets with her. He says, "Hillary you were very bad when you were on Earth, what do you have to say for yourself?"
Hillary responds, "Just one thing, your in my seat."

[melinda]

Hillary Clinton goes to Heaven and God meets with her. He says, "Hillary you were very bad when you were on Earth, what do you have to say for yourself?"
Hillary responds, "Just one thing, your in my seat."

:)) :)) :))

[BmanVet]

and old couple go to the doctor for the husbands yearly physical. After the preliminary examination the Doctor says to the man who is hard of hearing: "We will need a stool and urine sample today as well"

The man says: "Speak up, I can't hear ya"
His wife yells in his ear: "They need your shorts!"

[BmanVet]

DIRTY JOKE ALIRT!!!!! EASILY OFFENDED PEOPLE NEED NOT READ





an 8 year old goes to his father and asks him: "Dad, whats the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The Dad thinks for a minute and says:
"Son, go to your mother and ask her if she'd make love to Robert Redford for a million dollars, then go to your sister and ask her if she'd have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then go to your brother and ask him if he'd have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars"

The boy came back and said: "Dad they all said yes, but that still doesn't answer my question."
The dad replied: "Well, you see son, potentially we're sittin on 3 million dollars, realistically we live with two whores and a ***

[BmanVet]

Two guys go hunting, they climb up into the treestand and one pulls up his rifle and looks through the scope and says to his buddy:

"I can see your house, right into your window and your wife is cheating on you!!"
his buddy says:
"Shoot her in the head and shoot him in his private parts!"
The first guy says: " I can do that in one shot!"

[Dreamy]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but
a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ' If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight
on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he disco vers that he
has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to
order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.

"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens
it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing
but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

:mrgreen:

[Dreamy]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from

his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back,

resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:

"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children --

he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?"

[F9thRet]

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom, and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Stephen

[BmanVet]

My friend is a pilot and he took me up with him for a flight, and he told me the story of his first lesson.
He said when they were in the air the flight instructor said to him:
"You know, I'm homosexual, and a 4th degree blackbelt, and you can either do exactly as I say, or jump out of this air plane, right now."

I asked my buddy: "Did you jump?"
he said: "Yeah, at first"

[Last Person]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Melinda is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Melinda surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Melinda.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."



* The above is a fictional story. Any similarity to any posters on this board is purely coincidental. :whistle:

[Lady Liberty]

TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS


Element Name: WOMANIUM

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if
not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

----------------------------------------------

Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.

Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged
period of time.

Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.

[bayoubill]

TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS


Element Name: WOMANIUM

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if
not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

----------------------------------------------

Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.

Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged
period of time.

Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.


:)):)):)):)):)):))

Now THAT'S funny!

[jungulator]

An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

[jungulator]

Something similar to Lady Liberty's post:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Substance: Woman
Chemical System: Wo
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary
from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and
shopping malls.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------

1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarminly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)


COMMON USES:
------------

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.


SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.


HAZZARDS:
---------

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.

[Lady Liberty]

:)):)):)):)):)):))

Now THAT'S funny!



:mrgreen:

[george kaplan]

A midget, a donkey, a nun, a hunchback and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

[george kaplan]

There was a plebian in Rome
Who was barely the size of a gnome
But the wives of the Senate
All called twelve-inch Emmitt
The greatest of all men they'd known.

~ © 2008, mike duron

[blackcatrun]

Q: How many lawyers' wives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

Q:How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?


A: All of them,but the lightbulb has really want to change.

[sircharliebrown]

I was traveling back to my hometown and, responding to mother nature, I stopped off at a rest area on the side of the road.

I went into the bathroom. The first stall was taken, so I went into the second stall. I had just sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall.

"Hi there. how's it going?"

I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers while sitting on the john in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do, but I finally said, "Not bad."

Then the voice said, "So, how are you doing?"

At this point, I was starting to find the situation a bit weird, but I said, "Well, I'm headed back east."

Then I heard the person, all flustered, say, "Look, I'll call you back. Everytime I ask you a question, the idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"

[CID_0687]

My wife is always hounding me to take her deer hunting with me. This past hunting season I decided to take her. I waited for the coldest morning. It was about 15 degrees. I knew that if I did this she would either not want to go, or never want to go again. I got her tree stand set up and walked down to my spot, which was about 500 yards down the hill.
About 30 minutes passed and I heard a gunshot. I thought there must be someone else hunting near us. Then I hear another shot, and someone hollering. I decided I better go investgate.
As I was walking back up the rise I met another man, who seemed very distraught. I asked him if everything was alright. He asked, "Is that your wife up on the hill?" "Yes," I replied, "Is there a problem?" He stood shaking his head for a moment. Then looked at me and said,"That woman's crazy."
"What do you mean?" I asked, slightly perturbed. "Well,"he said, "I came up through here and she shot, then she shot again, she hollered "Get away from my deer!" I said, "You can have your damn deer if you'll give me time to get my saddle off it!"

[imdwlaw]

What do you call the flesh around the vagina?



A woman!

[CID_0687]

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.

[Panhead0422]

Q. If you see three bikers in a car, who is driving???


A. The Sheriff.

[Dreamy]

A man comes into the store.......

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy ( clearly offended ) says, "Well yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a Kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you have asked me if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I was Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."


:razz:

[Panhead0422]

Q. What do you call a line of blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?



A. A wind tunnel.

[Dreamy]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v465/Dreamy2/funny-13.jpg

[chip]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?' The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch & watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch & jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief & went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'

[sircharliebrown]

DOG DIARY

8am-Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am-A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am-A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am-Got rubbed & petted! My favorite thing!
Noon-Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:30pm-Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3pm-Chased a squirrel! My favorite thing!
5pm-Milk Bones! My favorite things!
7pm-Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8pm-Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11pm-Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates & I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once vomited on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse & dropped it's headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear in their hearts, since it clearly demonstrated what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a good little hunter I am...Idiots!Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet while he was walking. I must try again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies & snitches. The dog gets special privileges. He is regularly released & seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.....for now.

[CID_0687]

A phone rings.
"Is this the sherriff's office?"
"Yes sir"
"I'd like to report a crime, I saw my neighbor Cody Smith drilling holes in his firewood and stuffing marijuana in the holes"

The deputies arrived at the scene and find nothing.

Another phone rings
"Hey Cody, this is Bubba! Did the sherriff come?"
"Yeah, they came."
"Did they split your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Happy Birthday Buddy!!"

[imdwlaw]

There's a guy walking down the street with a banana in his ear.
A guy walking behind him taps him on the shoulder and says, "Hey, you know you gotta banana in your ear?"
The guy with the banana in his ear turns around and says. "What did ya say? I can't hear. I gotta banana in my ear!"

[dittoheadAZ]

In a similar vein:

A guy is walking down the street with a banana in his ear.
A guy walking behind him taps him on the shoulder and asks, "Why do you have a banana in your ear?"
The guy with the banana in his ear turns around and says, "Because they were out of grapes."

(with apologies to George R Newhart)

[dittoheadAZ]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[bayoubill]

An old man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The old man says, "I just found out that my uncle and my brother-in-law are gay, and have taken a liking to each other."

The following week the same old man comes into the bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The old man says, "I just found out that my son and my nephew are gay, and have taken a liking to each other."

After another week passes, the same old man comes into the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The old man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife and my sister do."

[Foxygirl123]

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the
final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its
own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:


A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used
up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that
remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not

>have to use it because ... Her friend was, well--blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:
the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith
any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the
logical thing to do.

But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude,
that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

And Meredith replied, "That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are
now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the
contestant h osted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.

"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde... "Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks."

[dittoheadAZ]

:)) :)) :))

[dittoheadAZ]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day the "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:



















Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Frazzled]

Two Men Walked into a Bar..............................the third one ducked! :))

[Frazzled]

A Termite walked into a bar and asked "Hey, where's the bartender?"

[QueenBean]

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?


None, they just embrace the darkness.

[dittoheadAZ]

How many Ahmadinejad's does it take to change a light bulb?

None. There WERE no lightbulbs in the twelfth century.

[CID_0687]

A phone rings...

"Sherriff's department"

"Yes, I'd like to report a crime. My neighbor Bobby Freeman was drilling holes in his firewood and stuffing them full of marijuana." Click.

The deputies arrive, find nothing and leave.

Phone rings...

" Hey Bobby, this is Leon, did the sherriff come?"

"Yeah they did"

"Did they split your firewood?"

"Yeah."

"Happy Birthday buddy!!"

[dittoheadAZ]

Cindy She-man came walking into a bar, with an ugly, deformed, disgusting-looking parrot on her shoulder.

The bartender looked in her direction, and called out, "Hey, where did you get THAT hideous thing?"

The parrot replied, "It was hanging around Crawford!"

[george kaplan]

With a nose like that you should talk your wife into becoming a race horse.

[bayoubill]

An old man and his wife went out to lunch.

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'



She answered....
















'The teeth.'

[karenhoney]

Three sons had grown up and left home. They went out on their own, and each of them prospered. Later, they got together and discussed the gifts they had been able to give to their elderly mother.

The first son said, "I built a big house for our mother!" The second son said, "I gave our mother a brand new Mercedes - with a driver!" The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom loved reading the Bible? And, you know how she can't see very well anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible! It took the elders in the church 12 years to teach him! He's one of a kind. Mom has only to name the chapter and verse she wishes to hear, and the parrot recites it!"

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton," she wrote, "The house you built is so large...I only live in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

The next letter read, "Gerald, I am too old to travel anymore. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes...and the driver is SO rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote the third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes! Thank you, the chicken was delicious!"

[dittoheadAZ]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.


To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

In Conclusion:
As Bill Engvall once noted, that's my little girl. My daughter means everything to me, and I just want you to understand -- I'm not afraid to go back to prison.

[samurai7]

What's black and white and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pincher.

A dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road. What's the difference?
The skid marks in front of the dead dog.

What's 1,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A darn good start.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
The lawyers don't think their funny and the rest all think they're true.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
Your honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.

A busload of lawyers goes over a cliff. What's the bad news?
There were empty seats.

[samurai7]

So, after Bill Clinton won the election he had George Bush (41) over to the White house for dinner. He just wanted bygones to be bygones and no hard feelings.

But while they were there, Osama bin Laden that crazy party crasher bombed the Whitehouse and everyone died.

So, they go to heaven and see God on his throne.

God looks at them with steely eyes. "I am the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, WHO ARE YOU!"

Well, GW walks up and says "I am George Bush and I WAS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!"

Well, God is IMPRESSED! :eek: He tells him, "You sit here on my left side."

So GW goes and sits on God's left side.

Then God looks at who's left and says louder, "I am the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY! WHO ARE YOU!"

Well Bill walks up and says, "I am William Jefferson Clinton and I AM PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!"

Well! God is even MORE impressed! "Oh!" Says God. "You sit on my right side!"

So, Bill Clinton goes and sits on God's right side.

God looks with steely eyes on who is left and declaes. "I am the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, WHO ARE YOU!"

To which Hillary steps up and says "I am Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU'RE SITTING IN MY CHAIR!"

:))

Just proof that the more times change the more they stay the same. :razz:

[karenhoney]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men are just happier people - what do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister or otherwise mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays it's original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look, and you can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[karenhoney]

DEFINITIONS

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold storage

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better

RAISIN - A grape with a sunburn

SECRET - Something you tell to one person at a time

SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed

WRINKLES - Something other people have

[karenhoney]

New Words

1) INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

2) REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) BOZONE (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5) CASHTRATION: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinate period.


6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed
just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating

[Dreamy]

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish it's brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, 'Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.' The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

'Well Sir,' began the PFC, 'if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.'

The room fell silent. God Bless the Marine Corps.

[samurai7]

Okay, once upon a time a old woman was rocking on her porch when

PRANG!

Her Fairy Godmother appeared.

The Fairy Godmother told her she could have three wishes.

So, the old woman said, "First make me young and beautiful."

PRANG!

She was young and beautiful.

Then she said, "Give me a million dollars."

PRANG!

There was a pile of money at her feet.

Then she couldn't think of anything else she wanted until she saw her cat walking across the porch. She pointed at the cat.

"Can you turn that cat into a handsome prince."

PRANG!

The cat become a handsome prince. He walked sexily over to her, bent over, whispering in her ear.

"Now aren't you sorry you got me neutered."

:))

[chichimama]

A Short story...

One day, a long, long time ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag or bitch...
But this was a long time ago, and it was just ONE day.

The End.

[chichimama]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway---that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for Ed!!

[PaleoPaul]

A Short story...

One day, a long, long time ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag or bitch...
But this was a long time ago, and it was just ONE day.

The End.
:)) :clap:

[Claymore]

http://www.sillycats.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/ihasabukkets.jpg

[bayoubill]

http://www.sillycats.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/ihasabukkets.jpg


OMG, CLAYMORE IS POSTING WARM AND FUZZY KITTY PIX!

RUN FOR THE HILLS!

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!

[dittoheadAZ]

I called my little kitten "Ben".
He has soft and fluffy fur.
But last week, Ben had kittens.
Now I call him "Ben Hur".

(with apologies to Benny Hill)

[samurai7]

Okay. Just heard this today.

This guy is looking for a job. One problem. He has no arms. But, he looks in the paper and sees an add for the bellringer for a church.

So, he goes to the church. Bangs on the door with his head and the Priest comes to the door.

"What is it, my son?" The priest asks.

"Well, I've come to apply for the position of bell ringer."

But the priest says, "How can you do the job? You have no arms."

But the guy assures him, he can do the job, so he takes him up to the bell tower.

So, the priests surprise, the guy with no arms, steps back, then charges toward the bell fulltilt and BANG, hits that bell as hard as he can with his face.

BONG!!!! Well, the priest has to admit he can do the job, so he gives the guy with no arms the job.

So, 12 times a day the guy with no arms, climbs up to the bell tower, steps back, runs hard as he can and smacks that bell with his face. After three months of doing this job, his face looks like it's a pancake, but he doesn't care, because he's making money and has a job.

But, one day as he's running toward the bell, he trips on a loose board, misses the bell, and falls out a window.

BAM! He's smashes up all over the sidewalk. So, a crowd gathers around him, and an old man knelt down to cradle his poor face.

A woman in the back horrified screamed, "WHO IS IT! WHO IS IT!"

The man kneeling by the poor, unfortunate, armless man said, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."




I'll run away now. Really fast . . :))

[VA-165 Boomer]

Norwegian flight attendant flies into Lambert Field St. Louis, Mo. after a 14 hour day. Catches a cab downtown and gets out at the landing and walks into the first bar she sees. Walks up to the bar and says to the bartender " I'd like to try one of your world famous beers". To which the bartender asks," Anheuser-Busch?" To which the woman replies "Just fine and hows your penis?"

[george kaplan]

A Jew, a Sunni, and a Shi'a walk into a bar -- together.

[melinda]

A Short story...

One day, a long, long time ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag or bitch...
But this was a long time ago, and it was just ONE day.

The End.

I always hear it as a man who wasn't full of ****....but it was just the ONE day. :))

[Dreamy]

Norwegian flight attendant flies into Lambert Field St. Louis, Mo. after a 14 hour day. Catches a cab downtown and gets out at the landing and walks into the first bar she sees. Walks up to the bar and says to the bartender " I'd like to try one of your world famous beers". To which the bartender asks," Anheuser-Busch?" To which the woman replies "Just fine and hows your penis?"

:))

[Mithrastan]

A guy walks into a bar and says "ow!".

[RayMan]

I always hear it as a man who wasn't full of ****....but it was just the ONE day. :))

If a man says something in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him...is he still wrong?

[birdonawire]

If a man says something in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him...is he still wrong?

Yup!!!!! LOL:lol:

[birdonawire]

Okay, once upon a time a old woman was rocking on her porch when

PRANG!

Her Fairy Godmother appeared.

The Fairy Godmother told her she could have three wishes.

So, the old woman said, "First make me young and beautiful."

PRANG!

She was young and beautiful.

Then she said, "Give me a million dollars."

PRANG!

There was a pile of money at her feet.

Then she couldn't think of anything else she wanted until she saw her cat walking across the porch. She pointed at the cat.

"Can you turn that cat into a handsome prince."

PRANG!

The cat become a handsome prince. He walked sexily over to her, bent over, whispering in her ear.

"Now aren't you sorry you got me neutered."

:))

ROFLMAO!!!!!!:lol::lol::lol:

[Dr. Funkenstein]

A man runs into a bar. He's completely out of breath, having run a pretty good distance to get to the bar.

Breathless, he says to the bartender, "Quick! I need ten shots of your best whiskey!"

The bartender quickly pours ten shots, which the man downs as quickly as he possibly can.

"I've never seen anyone drink that fast before", says the bartender.

"You'd drink fast too if you had what I had", replied the man.

"And what's that?", asks the bartender

"25 cents"

[birdonawire]

A man runs into a bar. He's completely out of breath, having run a pretty good distance to get to the bar.

Breathless, he says to the bartender, "Quick! I need ten shots of your best whiskey!"

The bartender quickly pours ten shots, which the man downs as quickly as he possibly can.

"I've never seen anyone drink that fast before", says the bartender.

"You'd drink fast too if you had what I had", replied the man.

"And what's that?", asks the bartender

"25 cents"
:lol:

[dittoheadAZ]

Okay. Just heard this today.

This guy is looking for a job. One problem. He has no arms. But, he looks in the paper and sees an add for the bellringer for a church.

So, he goes to the church. Bangs on the door with his head and the Priest comes to the door.

"What is it, my son?" The priest asks.

"Well, I've come to apply for the position of bell ringer."

But the priest says, "How can you do the job? You have no arms."

But the guy assures him, he can do the job, so he takes him up to the bell tower.

So, the priests surprise, the guy with no arms, steps back, then charges toward the bell fulltilt and BANG, hits that bell as hard as he can with his face.

BONG!!!! Well, the priest has to admit he can do the job, so he gives the guy with no arms the job.

So, 12 times a day the guy with no arms, climbs up to the bell tower, steps back, runs hard as he can and smacks that bell with his face. After three months of doing this job, his face looks like it's a pancake, but he doesn't care, because he's making money and has a job.

But, one day as he's running toward the bell, he trips on a loose board, misses the bell, and falls out a window.

BAM! He's smashes up all over the sidewalk. So, a crowd gathers around him, and an old man knelt down to cradle his poor face.

A woman in the back horrified screamed, "WHO IS IT! WHO IS IT!"

The man kneeling by the poor, unfortunate, armless man said, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."




I'll run away now. Really fast . . :))

The short, short version of the sequel...

A week later, his twin brother applies for the same job.

[insert middle of joke here]

"I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[dittoheadAZ]

By popular request... (okay, one person asked about it)

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy. Are you a cowgirl?"

She said, "No, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

After she finished her drink, she left.

A while later, a man walked in and sat on the same bar stool. He looked at the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[bayoubill]

By popular request... (okay, one person asked about it)

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy. Are you a cowgirl?"

She said, "No, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

After she finished her drink, she left.

A while later, a man walked in and sat on the same bar stool. He looked at the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."


When you told me the subject of the joke, I was expecting something slightly off-color.

But this was sweet and, joke-wise, just about perfect!

Thanks, DH!

[Dr. Funkenstein]

Okay, this is a true story, but it might pass for a joke...

One day I took my dog to the vet. And every time he went to the vet, he just wanted nothing to do with getting weighed. Never wanted to set foot on the scale. Generally you had to pick him up and drop him down and just guard him like you were playing defense in basketball.

So finally, with my help, the vet assistant gets poor old Leo on the scale. And he looks about as sad as a dog can look. I actually felt bad for him until I realized he was just sad about being weighed, then I just felt like he was dumb.

The assistant looks up and says "wow! He lost two pounds!"

I looked down at my dejected dog, then I looked back up at the assistant and said "Could you tell HIM that? He thinks his ankles look fat"

[george kaplan]

Three Muslims walk up to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter lets them in.

[bayoubill]

Three Muslims walk up to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter lets them in.


Thanks for your contribution, GK...

But, geez... :rolleyes:

I wish we could have a screening process.

[PaleoPaul]

Three Muslims walk up to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter lets them in.
?

[bayoubill]

?


yeah...

It comes under the heading of "What the ****? Where's the punchline?"

[CID_0687]

There was an evangelist who came to town, a few years back. He was having a tent revival, and was going around town knocking on doors and inviting people to the meeting. He just happened to have a striking resemblence to Conway Twitty. He walked up to the first house in the neighborhood the lady answered the door "Oh my Conway Twitty!! Can I have your autograph?" He explained that who he was, and that he was not Conway Twitty. This went on at nearly every house he stopped at. When he go to the last house on the block he rang the bell...a few seconds passed and he assumed no one was at home. As he was slipping a flyer about the revival under the door a beautiful woman in a see through teddy opened the door. "Oh MY God, you're Conway Twitty!" she said, he looked up and grinned and said, "Hello Darlin"

[bayoubill]

There was an evangelist who came to town, a few years back. He was having a tent revival, and was going around town knocking on doors and inviting people to the meeting. He just happened to have a striking resemblence to Conway Twitty. He walked up to the first house in the neighborhood the lady answered the door "Oh my Conway Twitty!! Can I have your autograph?" He explained that who he was, and that he was not Conway Twitty. This went on at nearly every house he stopped at. When he go to the last house on the block he rang the bell...a few seconds passed and he assumed no one was at home. As he was slipping a flyer about the revival under the door a beautiful woman in a see through teddy opened the door. "Oh MY God, you're Conway Twitty!" she said, he looked up and grinned and said, "Hello Darlin"


lol...

but had to be familiar with CT's discography to get it.

[CID_0687]

Very true...I'm probably a little young to get it...but my music library is very diverse.

[melinda]

There was an evangelist who came to town, a few years back. He was having a tent revival, and was going around town knocking on doors and inviting people to the meeting. He just happened to have a striking resemblence to Conway Twitty. He walked up to the first house in the neighborhood the lady answered the door "Oh my Conway Twitty!! Can I have your autograph?" He explained that who he was, and that he was not Conway Twitty. This went on at nearly every house he stopped at. When he go to the last house on the block he rang the bell...a few seconds passed and he assumed no one was at home. As he was slipping a flyer about the revival under the door a beautiful woman in a see through teddy opened the door. "Oh MY God, you're Conway Twitty!" she said, he looked up and grinned and said, "Hello Darlin"

:)) :)) :))

[bayoubill]

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

[CID_0687]

Funny thing happened today at work. Most of you know I sell insurance. I'm real good friends with the top mortgage broker in town, so we're always trying to send each other business. He called me today on a homeowner's quote I had given him about a week ago, to let me know the client wanted to go ahead and get the policy. He asked me what information I needed. I asked for the guy's social, date of birth, current address, etc... Then I asked about his employer, Larry answered, How many years on the job, he answered. Then I asked, "What's his position?" Larry said, "Well, the boy told me he likes to be on top."

[melinda]

Funny thing happened today at work. Most of you know I sell insurance. I'm real good friends with the top mortgage broker in town, so we're always trying to send each other business. He called me today on a homeowner's quote I had given him about a week ago, to let me know the client wanted to go ahead and get the policy. He asked me what information I needed. I asked for the guy's social, date of birth, current address, etc... Then I asked about his employer, Larry answered, How many years on the job, he answered. Then I asked, "What's his position?" Larry said, "Well, the boy told me he likes to be on top."

I don't believe you......:))

[CID_0687]

I don't believe you......:))
What do you mean? That's to good to make up.

[VA-165 Boomer]

My wife told me this week she was tired of cooking and wanted me to take her somewhere expensive for dinner. So I took her to the local gas station/ deli and bought her a hotdog and a tank of gas.

[CID_0687]

My wife told me this week she was tired of cooking and wanted me to trake her somewhere expensive for dinner. So I took her to the local gas station/ deli and bought her a hotdog and a tank of gas.
That was definitely an expensive date, especially if you're driving a truck or an SUV.

[bayoubill]

My wife told me this week she was tired of cooking and wanted me to trake her somewhere expensive for dinner. So I took her to the local gas station/ deli and bought her a hotdog and a tank of gas.


:)):)):))

Great punchline!

and WAY up there on the funniness/brevity quotient...

[dittoheadAZ]

Here's an original, about growing old:

I've been doing a lot of research, and I have found out that at my age, I am a centipede. Yes, a centipede. Because "centi" means "100 times", and "pede" is what I did in the middle of the night last night.

[dittoheadAZ]

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Colorado jokes, somebody had to come up with this.

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers, and cosmetic surgeons. And your dog looks better than you do.

19. The Terminator is your governator.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

[dittoheadAZ]

Regarding golf:

Most people try to golf their age and bowl their weight. I do it the other way around. And both numbers are going up FAST!

I'm a three handicap golfer. I can't drive, I can't chip, and I can't putt. And those are pretty serious handicaps.

If they want to make golf a sport, throw in a goalie.

Most guys can golf 72 in 18 holes. I can do 72 in just 3 holes, and then I go into the clubhouse for the rest of the day.

I did golf a 76 one time. And I did almost as good on the back nine!

Miracle of miracles, last time I was golfing, I hit a hole in one! And it was a tough hole, too... the one with the windmill!

I usually golf three over. One over the fence, one over the trees, one over the bottom half of somebody's window.

I usually golf in the mid-eighties. If it gets any warmer, I go into the clubhouse.

Rodgers Hornsby had the best line about golf. When asked if he was going to play golf when he retired from baseball, he said, "No way - when I hit a ball, I want SOMEONE ELSE to go get it!"

[samurai7]

Here's another list, not to be outdone (sorry if some of them are repeats of the last list) I used to live in California and here is an "AMEN" to the first one on the list;)

You Know You're From California When

* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

* You were born somewhere else.

* You know how to eat an artichoke.

* The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

* Your car has bullet-proof windows.

* Left is right and right is wrong.

* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

* Your mouse has only one ball.

* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

* You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

* You drive to your neighborhood block party.

* Your family tree contains "significant others."

* Your cat has its own psychiatrist.

* You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

* More than clothes come out of the closets.

* When "the Dead" are best live.

* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

* More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

* Smoking in your office is not optional.

* You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

* When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."

* Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

* Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

* You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

* You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

* A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

* When all highways into the state say: "no fruits."

* All highways out of the state say: "Go back."

* Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

* You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

* Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

* You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

* You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

* You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

* A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

* A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

* Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U. S.

* A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

* Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

* Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

* Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag

* It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004."

* You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

* You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

* The Terminator is your governor!

[samurai7]

And in Fairness to all Californians ;)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM OHIO IF...

You've never met any celebrities.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

"Vacation" means driving through Hocking Hills or going to King's Island.

You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

You measure distance in minutes.

Down south to you means Kentucky.

You know several people who have hit a deer.

Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.

Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.

You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.
Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is.

You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

You think that deer season is a national holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly".

You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.

You know what a real buckeye is, and have a recipe for candy ones.

You know if another Ohioian is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.

You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.

You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes.

You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Ohio friends.

[dittoheadAZ]

You know you're from Arizona if:

You buy - or MAKE - salsa by the gallon.

Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and l00 paper bags.

You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.

You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".

You think 60 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent. (Mayors too, now!) :dance:

You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.

You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.

Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

The pool can be warmer than you are.

You can make sun tea instantly. In fact, you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave.

You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.

Most homes have more firearms than people.

Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

The AC is on your list of best friends.

Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 9:00, and actually finishes in time to not be called Tuesday Morning Football.

You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Ocotillo", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", "Tlaquepacque", and "Ajo".

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is walking on the streets.

You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car.

You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.

Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of rain......"

When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms of minutes, not miles.

Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.

You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time.

You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.

The phrase "Hot enough for you?" sends you into a postal worker type rage.

You have never seen the ocean, but practically live at the river.

You own 12 guns, 4 hogs, and have NO idea who Sam Donaldson is.

The television flashes the time and temperature on the screen at night - and you realize that the hours now have 2 digits and the temperature still has 3!

You can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as "not all that bad, after all it's a dry heat."

You go to a fake beach to ride fake waves and call it surfing without cracking a smile.

Sunscreen is sold year 'round, is kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than SPF 30 is a source of humor amongst shoppers waiting in line, and you apply it just to go check the mail box.

You think that Circle K signs are the state tree.

It does not seem unusual to you that someone would develop and market a personal misting system for joggers --- or that joggers would actually buy them.

Hot air balloons can't fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.

Having your car reupholstered in vinyl is legal basis for conducting a sanity hearing.

You can understand the reason for a town being named "Why".

You can fry an egg on the hood of a car at sunrise.

And you are DEFINITELY from Arizona if you understand why Sheriff Joe Arpaio has been elected multiple times, because of things like this:

About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. Hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunks or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. "It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year.

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

[melinda]

OK, I read some from both of your lists, but they were just too long and my ADD too active to read them all....but what I did read, I loved. :))

[Stuball]

The Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.

It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[CID_0687]

That's just evil.

[RayMan]

The Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.

It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


And you're Jewish, right Stu? Why must you torment me like this? :)

[melinda]

I got about half way... when I remembered I'd heard it before.

[Stuball]

And you're Jewish, right Stu? Why must you torment me like this? :)
Shalom Baby:D

[bayoubill]

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

[pdmike]

:)

This could be a fun thread if some of you guys would post up some of your favorite jokes.

Guy is walking his pet carrot on a leash. Carrot wanders out, into the gutter and gets run over by a bus that is rolling up to its stop. The guy rushes his carrot to the vet. The vet takes one look at the carrot and immediately wheels the poor, little guy into surgery.

Six hours later, the vet comes out, looking like he has been pulled through a knot hole. He drops down on the couch in the waiting room, removes his surgical cap and wipes his brow.

Carrot Owner: "Doc! Doc! Please tell my my carrot's going to make it. PLEASE, Doc!!"

Doc: (Wiping his brow) - "Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, your carrot's going to make it. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

[Z_only1]

What happen to the guy when he picked a 6lb booger out of his nose?



His head caved in.

[bayoubill]

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.

"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

[outfromunder]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God said "Well I didnt recognize you!"

[rob_b52]

DarthBush.......:)):)):)):)):)):)):))

[bayoubill]

This was just posted in WP by kles:


<removed, but trust me, it was funny>

[VA-165 Boomer]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God said "Well I didnt recognize you!"

A report out this week shows that by 2010 27% of US women will have had breast inhancement surgery. That's enough fake boobs to have a second congress!

[dittoheadAZ]

A report out this week shows that by 2010 27% of US women will have had breast inhancement surgery. That's enough fake boobs to have a second congress!

Naaah - they're REAL boobs! :mrgreen:

[Dragon1963]

This is one of my favorites. I got it from a book called "McLendon's Syndrome" by Robert Frezza.

A carthorse named Absence is always getting lost.

Absence makes the cart go wander.

[Mr. M]

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

[roger teekell]

A guy's wife comes up to him and says "Honey I'm leaving you....I'm moving to Las Vegas"

The husband says "Why"?

She says "I found out that in Vegas I can get $400 for doing the same thing I do for you here at home for free"

The husband says "Great...I'm coming with you"

So she says "Why"?

And he says "Cause I'm dying to see you live on $800 a year"....

[chichimama]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
The doctor asked, “What was the problem?”
The elderly man replied, “Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.”
The doctor said, “Wait a minute! You mean your wife’s friend too?!”
The elderly man replied, “Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[Wireline]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and then there are educators.

[Wireline]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too'

[Dreamy]

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9 . Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge and become:
TittyTittyBangBang

:razz:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus. If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton. :shifty:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters...

'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

:))

[mojo]

what do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, then crosses the road again?

[outfromunder]

what do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, then crosses the road again?

John Kerry?

[mojo]

John Kerry?

you're on fire tonight!

[Dreamy]

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year
ago, you would have $49 left. With Fannie Mae, you would have
$2.50 left of the original $1,000. With AIG, you would have less
than $15 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer
one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for
the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

[Dreamy]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

[mojo]

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year
ago, you would have $49 left. With Fannie Mae, you would have
$2.50 left of the original $1,000. With AIG, you would have less
than $15 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer
one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for
the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

excellent! whats your answer to my joke?

[Dreamy]

excellent! whats your answer to my joke?


A Dirty Double-Crossing Chicken :lol:

What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Guitar?:cool:

[mojo]

A Dirty Double-Crossing Chicken :lol:

What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Guitar?:cool:

a dirty double crosser...wing, strummer, string, feather??????

[dittoheadAZ]

The Final Showdown between George W Bush and Osama Bin-Laden
(no, it's not really a Bush or an Osama joke)

---------------------------------------------------
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.

It's cage needed steel bars that were thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.

It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund - but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.

"That's nothing", said Bush; "we had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."

[dittoheadAZ]

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------------------------

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FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[dittoheadAZ]

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These Tennessee boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken fried steak.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

[Dreamy]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' .
.
.
.
'Because you got an F in sex.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a medical conference, a Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in 6 weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take the lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in 4 weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have both of them looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We're about to take a Muslim with no brains, put him in the White House, and have half the country out looking for work in one week."

[bayoubill]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' .
.
.
.
'Because you got an F in sex.'


:))

[bayoubill]

A cute little joke told to me by my 10-year-old daughter:


Lily: "Did you hear about the construction joke?"

Bill: "No, I didn't... What is it?"

Lily: "I'm still working on it."

[Dreamy]

A cute little joke told to me by my 10-year-old daughter:


Lily: "Did you hear about the construction joke?"

Bill: "No, I didn't... What is it?"


Lily: "I'm still working on it."

Aaaw love it sweet Lily! :lol:

[WJStafford]

Kind of corny...


The Gynecologist


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO

paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where

skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He

went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended

diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical

exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and

completed the exam with tremendous skill.



When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had

obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor,

saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding

result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."



The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart

perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine

back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."



After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because

you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my

entire life.

[dittoheadAZ]

^^
:)) :)) :)) :)) :))

[bayoubill]

Q: How many lawyers' wives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.


I forgot to mention in the OP...


I came up with this one all by myself

and, as far as I can recall,

this is the only reasonably good joke that I ever invented...


BTW, this joke was inspired by my actual experiences as an electircal contractor.

[Dreamy]

Theres no one as Irish as Barack OBama (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Xkw8ip43Vk)

:mrgreen:

[Bakshi'sMouse]

At what time on the day after the inauguration did Obama prank call Hilary?


3:00 AM.

[Dreamy]

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said "What's for dinner, Batman

:wall::twisted: :))

[PredFan]

I forgot to mention in the OP...


I came up with this one all by myself

and, as far as I can recall,

this is the only reasonably good joke that I ever invented...


BTW, this joke was inspired by my actual experiences as an electircal contractor.

I invented a joke when I was a young kid:

Last night I dreamt about a salad and a steering wheel.
I tossed and turned all night.

[PredFan]

I was born via C-Section. You can't really tell except when I leave my house, I go out the window.

I gave my wife one of those mood rings. It works great. When she's in a good mood it turns blue. When she's in a bad mood it put a red whelt on my forhead.

I went on a pleasure trip this weekend. I took my mother in law to the airport.

My wife closes her eyes during sex. She can't stand to see me having a good time.

I went to a General Store, they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was seeing a beautiful woman who lived on the next block. Well, I was seeing her till someone stole my binoculars.

It's raining cats and dogs outside. On my way here I stepped in a poodle.

[SarahG]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall,handsome, extremely sexy middle -aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,

"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00, with one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."

[dittoheadAZ]

q: Hey Bob, how did you like that book on the manufacture and sale of glue that I lent you?
a: It was great - I couldn't put it down!

** FLASH **

A new element has been discovered!!!

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[Claymore]

Two blind guys walk into a bar.

Obviously they didn't see it .

[melinda]

which reminds me of my favorite ...


a guy walked into a bar


it hurt

[USMCmom]

Marrying a Texas Woman

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they hadgiven their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a woman from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gonedown and he could see a little out of his left eye -- enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[Wireline]

Bwa=HAAA=Haa=haa!!!

That is too funny!

[Spaceman Spiff]

A nuetron walks into a bar and ask "How much for a drink here?"

The bartender replies "For you, no charge."

[USMCmom]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'


With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me a "Democrat!" :lol:

[melinda]

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied......

[captusa]

(Reposted from Military-Space.org)

I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to checkout. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

Duh? (is she kidding???) On impulse, I told her no I didn't have any
dogs, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street
licking my ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he
staggered to the door laughing his ass off.

Consumers Union did conduct a taste test for humans with dry dog food, cereals and snacks.
The dog food faired wll and was far more nuticious than the other products.

[captusa]

From your mouth to God's ears...

;)

This reminded me of an old favorite.

Abie Goldstein was playing gin with his friends and at the end of the night when they tallied up he have lost $50,000.
When he found out, he immediately had a heart attack and dropped dead.
The friends tried to figure the best way to tell his wife.


Finally one of the friends called Mrs. Goldstein.
Caller:
Mrs. Golstein, I want to tell you your husband Abe just lost $50,000 playing gin rummy.

Mrs Goldstein:
The bum should drop dead.

Caller:
From your mouth to God's ears...

[captusa]

What does the average Oklahoma University football player get on his SATs ?



















Drool.

[captusa]

How do you get a Missouri graduate off your porch ?

















Pay for the pizza.

[JimGP20]

In a small town, there's two guys who work in the local mortuary. One day, they come to work and find that Stewart Smith has died, and they need to prep his body for the memorial services. While changing the clothes on the body, they both are astounded when they discover the size of his member..... so much so, that one of them decides to remove it for posterity. The massive part is placed into a jar of formaldahyde and placed on a shelf. After work, one of the workers says that his wife would be amazed to see such a thing, and that he was going to take it home to show her. He gets home and upon seeing the contents of the jar, his wife exclaims.... "Oh my God !!!!..... Stewart Smith died !?!" :cool:

[dittoheadAZ]

I don't remember who originally said these - I'm pretty sure it was one comedian all in one routine...

I married Miss Right. I just wish I knew her first name was Always.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. By an odd coincidence, so is monogamy.

My marriage is like a three-ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.

[dittoheadAZ]

This guy is out walking along the beach, when he spies a bottle on the shore. He picks it up, and notices that it's filled with a smoky substance. So he pulls out the stopper, and *poof* out comes a genie.

"Thank you for rescuing me from that bottle," said the genie. "I will grant you one wish."

"Why, that's awfully kind of you," the man replied. "I've always wanted to go to Hawai'i. The beaches there are wonderful, plus the pineapples are delicious, and the women are wonderful. But I can't afford the plane fare. So can you build a highway from here to Hawai'i?"

"Wow, that's pretty tough," the genie said. "That would take a lot of concrete, and the supporting pylons would have to reach quite a distance to the land underneath the water. And finally, it would have to be able to stand up to the water currents and the periodic typhoon. No, " he said, "I don't think I can do that. Have you got another wish, maybe something easier?"

"Well," the man said, thinking, "one of the reasons that I can't afford to fly is that the economy is so bad. President :liar:bama is doing nothing to help the problem, with his increased taxes and spending on pork-barrel projects. The guy he's appointed to head the Treasury department is such a dolt that every time he opens his mouth, the stock market goes down even further. Do you think you could give President :liar:bama the brains he's lacking in order to be able to make sound economic judgements, and lead this country back onto the path of prosperity?"

The genie replied, "Do you want that highway to have two lanes or four?"

[soupdragon]

2 fridges in a tree playing cards, 1 fridge looks down and sees a duck walking past,so he shouts down to the duck "Hey duck, fancy coming up and playing cards, the duck shouts back " no thanks I'm going for a haircut"

[JimGP20]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is inreal distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[dittoheadAZ]

Barack :liar:bama, tired of comparing himself to Lincoln, decided to go after another historical figure. He decided that he really wanted to be compared to King Arthur.

In order to emulate the good King, he replaced the table in his office with one that was round. He then seated himself, Tim Geithner, Janet Napolitano, Rahm Emanuel, Eric Holder, and Leon Panetta, and asked the reporters to take a photo for the newspaper.

He gave up the idea when the headline identified them as "The Dope Ring".

[dittoheadAZ]

What does DNA stand for
National Dyslexics Association.

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.

How does Barack :liar:bama change a light bulb?
He holds the bulb below the socket, and waits for the world to revolve around him.

[PredFan]

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

I almost peed in my pants after reading this one!