Tell Us A Joke

[melinda]

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.

“My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.

“Then what’s the matter?

“I’m trying to give up drinking.”.

[dittoheadAZ]

So just how bad is the economy?

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy
that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made
$750 billion disappear!

The economy is so bad:

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the :liar:bama administration aren't
paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

:liar:bama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer
and Citigroup.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting

People in Africa are donating money to Americans

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know
how many kids are starving in the US?"

Motel Six wont leave the light on

The Mafia is laying off judges

[Claymore]

Tell Us A Joke,,,

"BHO is the Messiah":rolleyes:

[dittoheadAZ]

Did you hear about the guy in Athens who went to a restaurant for a meal - cheese, alphabet soup, mousaka, lamb, and of course, nuts and honey for afters.

However, he had a blazing row with his waiter.

It turned out there was a phi in his soup.

[PredFan]

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

While the bartender is making the drink the man reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a miniature grand piano and sets it on the bar.

The bartender looks interested.

Then the man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a little man about a foot tall and dressed in a tux. The man sets him on the bar and the tiny man walks over to the piano and begins to play it.

The bartender is stunned. He says "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Where did you get it?"

"Well", says the patron, "I was walking down the beach one day and saw something half buried in the sand. I picked it up and saw that it was a lamp. I rubbed it and sure enough a genie came out. He said thanks for freeing me from the lamp, I will give you one wish and one wish only."

"So" says the bartender, "What did you wish for?"

The man says: "Well I damn sure DIDN'T wish for a 12 inch pianist!"

[snagswolf]

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife exchange secret looks and their attraction is obvious. The husband, however, is clueless and is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we'll be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey guys, you shouldn't be down there having sex while I can see you!"

They yell back, "We're not having sex!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no having sex!"

Again they yell back, "We're not having sex!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Come on guys, would you please stop having sex?!"

They yell back, "We're not having sex!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're having sex."

[snagswolf]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.


Those that understand binary, and those that get laid.

[snagswolf]

A guy is in line at the grocery store, and there is a beautiful woman behind him, and he could swear he knows her from somewhere. He keeps sneaking glances, and when she smiles at him in recognition he finally works up enough nerve to talk to her.

"Excuse me," he says, "but you look really famliar to me. Do I know you?"

"Yes," she replies, "I believe you're the father of one of my children."

The guy is shocked at this and his mind is reeling, trying to remember the one time he was unfaithful to his wife.

Suddenly, it comes to him. "Are you that stripper from my bachlor party? The one who tied me up on the pool table in front of my friends, and had her way with me, and then allowed her midget boyfriend to have his way with me?

"No," replied the woman, "I'm your son's fourth grade teacher!"

[melinda]

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife exchange secret looks and their attraction is obvious. The husband, however, is clueless and is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we'll be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey guys, you shouldn't be down there having sex while I can see you!"

They yell back, "We're not having sex!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no having sex!"

Again they yell back, "We're not having sex!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Come on guys, would you please stop having sex?!"

They yell back, "We're not having sex!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're having sex."

I like this one. :))

[karenhoney]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they became exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Holmes. Watson pondered that for a while.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of gallaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that tomorrow will be a beautiful day. What does looking at the sky tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke..."Watson, you idiot....some jackass has stolen our tent!"

[Dr. Funkenstein]

Q: What do you call salve for pigs?

A: Oinkment

[dittoheadAZ]

^^ We've reached a new low.

.... which, of course, gives me no choice but to SURPASS it with a NEW new low! :D

Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

...apologies in advance to a couple of lovely blonde mods, who know that I don't mean them and they are such good sports that they would never zzzzzzzkk [ACCOUNT DELETED]

[PredFan]

"It's raining cats and dogs outside!"

"I know, on my way here, I stepped in a poodle."

[dittoheadAZ]

THE POWER OF THE MARINES

Osama Bin-Laden is conducting a training camp in Pakistan for all of his terrorists, when suddenly from over a hill, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth ten terrorists!"

A bit put out, Osama sends ten terrorists over the hill to deal with the Marine. There's the sound of shooting and some screaming, and after it quiets down, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth a HUNDRED terrorists!"

Well, this really gets him mad, so Obama picks 10 of his deputies to each get 9 others, and all 100 go over the hill. There's a long protracted round of shooting, interspersed with even more screaming, and when that finally settles down, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth **A THOUSAND** terrorists!"

This is the last straw. Absolutely seething with anger, Osams gets his top 50 leaders, and tells them to each get 19 others of their handpicked men from each division. He then sends all thousand of them over the hill. There is one horrendous round of shooting, an incredibly dreadful bout of screaming, and the smoke from all the gunfire is drifting over the hill, making it hard to see. But as the sounds finally die out, through the smoke, one terrorist is seen struggling over the hill, and just before he collapses for good on the way back down the hill, he manages to shout out, "Don't send any more men; it's a trick... there's TWO of them!"

[melinda]

THE POWER OF THE MARINES

Osama Bin-Laden is conducting a training camp in Pakistan for all of his terrorists, when suddenly from over a hill, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth ten terrorists!"

A bit put out, Osama sends ten terrorists over the hill to deal with the Marine. There's the sound of shooting and some screaming, and after it quiets down, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth a HUNDRED terrorists!"

Well, this really gets him mad, so Obama picks 10 of his deputies to each get 9 others, and all 100 go over the hill. There's a long protracted round of shooting, interspersed with even more screaming, and when that finally settles down, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth **A THOUSAND** terrorists!"

This is the last straw. Absolutely seething with anger, Osams gets his top 50 leaders, and tells them to each get 19 others of their handpicked men from each division. He then sends all thousand of them over the hill. There is one horrendous round of shooting, an incredibly dreadful bout of screaming, and the smoke from all the gunfire is drifting over the hill, making it hard to see. But as the sounds finally die out, through the smoke, one terrorist is seen struggling over the hill, and just before he collapses for good on the way back down the hill, he manages to shout out, "Don't send any more men; it's a trick... there's TWO of them!"

:flag: :flag: :flag:

[Mustang JEB]

THE POWER OF THE MARINES

Osama Bin-Laden is conducting a training camp in Pakistan for all of his terrorists, when suddenly from over a hill, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth ten terrorists!"

A bit put out, Osama sends ten terrorists over the hill to deal with the Marine. There's the sound of shooting and some screaming, and after it quiets down, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth a HUNDRED terrorists!"

Well, this really gets him mad, so Obama picks 10 of his deputies to each get 9 others, and all 100 go over the hill. There's a long protracted round of shooting, interspersed with even more screaming, and when that finally settles down, he hears a shout, "One Marine is worth **A THOUSAND** terrorists!"

This is the last straw. Absolutely seething with anger, Osams gets his top 50 leaders, and tells them to each get 19 others of their handpicked men from each division. He then sends all thousand of them over the hill. There is one horrendous round of shooting, an incredibly dreadful bout of screaming, and the smoke from all the gunfire is drifting over the hill, making it hard to see. But as the sounds finally die out, through the smoke, one terrorist is seen struggling over the hill, and just before he collapses for good on the way back down the hill, he manages to shout out, "Don't send any more men; it's a trick... there's TWO of them!"

I've seen that in several forms, I really like this one!
(Just because it would offend Obomber):mrgreen:

[Mustang JEB]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.


Those that understand binary, and those that get laid.

That is very offensive, and very untrue.

I can do both.

[bayoubill]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.


Those that understand binary, and those that get laid.


Cute joke that makes no sense...


obviously confusing binary (base-two system) with decimal (base-ten system).


and, yeah, I get laid.

[VA-165 Boomer]

I get lucky almost every night...almost on Monday ,almost on Tuesday...

[VA-165 Boomer]

A young lady playing golf at a new course storms into the clubhouse shortly after starting her round. She approachs the club pro and complains that she isn't ever playing there again. The pro asks her what the problem is. She tells him that there are too many honey bees on the fairways. Puzzled the pro asks her where she got stung. she responds, "Right between the #1 and #2 holes. The pro answers that her problem is obvious. Lady your stance is too wide.