Punishment and Other Jokes

[Rurudyne]

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the head's holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base and an airman who was off duty was mustered out to take care of it.

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the pump truck for the head had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in one of the hangars ... which took even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do; nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully so as not to risk criticism later.

As he was leaving the plane, the pilot stopped him and said: "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished!"

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he took a deep breath, stood up tall and said: "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force who's been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave so that reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero; my job here is to pump human waste out of aircraft that I'll never be on... Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

[Rurudyne]

An Irishman was relating the contents of a scientific paper he'd just read to his friends one day: seems that recent precise measurements of the Earth from space had revealed that the planet did indeed have "4 corners" – only arranged in the shape of a tetrahedron with the tips being higher that they should be and the sides lower than if Earth were a true sphere. And as it would have it, Ireland sat atop of this tetrahedron.

So the man raised his glass a saluted: "So here's to God and the Americans: He put us on top of the world and they finally told us we were there!"

One old cynic laughed and countered: "To God and the Englishman then! Cause they put themselves here!"

Then a third fellow raised his glass after the laughter had subsided: "To God and the Eskimo!"

Blinking all around.

"'The Eskimo?'" the old cynic blurted.

"Well, if we're on top of the world, exactly what have they got to show for freezing their asses off all this time?"

[Rurudyne]

A man who was literally beloved by his home town got sick one day and so visited a doctor, a man he'd mentored and been a friend to for years.

The doctor ran a seemingly endless regimin of test on his older friend before he called him into his office one day for a sit down talk:

"Ed," he began – because someone is always named "Ed" in jokes like this, "I'm afraid I've got only bad news and I guess the reason I've been running so very many test is because I just couldn't bring myself to face the truth: you are so much like a father to me."

"Sounds bad." Ed confessed.

"Yes, I'm afraid it is. You see, I figure you have only 4 to 6 weeks at best before this thing takes you."

Whereupon Ed collapsed in laughter. The doctor was amazed at his friend and stood there dumbfounded until he'd stopped laughing quite that hard.

"Ed? I know you're an optimist with a matchless sense of humor ... but how can you find anything to laugh about in dying?"

Ed sat up and wiped away the tears he'd been crying: "Well, you see, I just couldn't help but realize that there is no whay in Hell your getting a dime from me now!"

[Rurudyne]

A fellow was sitting out on the porch of the State Mental Hospital one day, slowly rocking back and forth in the rocking chair and enjoying the breeze.

About then a gardener came along pushing a wheelbarrow of manure.

"Where are you going with that?" the patient asked.

"I'm gonna spread them on my strawberries." was the reply.

The patient sat back in silence and watched the gardener walk off.

"Man and I though I had problems!" he silently mused, "Even I know that cream goes with strawberries and I'm nuts!"

[Vaard]

i never knew the AF had a base called Thule........


that is quite interesting..........

[curtis123]

Little Johnny's father came home from work, to find Johnny's mom upset and waiting for him.

"What's wrong, honey?" He asked.

"Look what I found under Little Johnny's bed!" She said, as she shoved an S&M/bondage porn magazine in his face. "What do you think we should do about it??"

"Well", He said, looking at the magazine "I think spanking him is out of the question."

:)

[Vaard]

Little Johnny's father came home from work, to find Johnny's mom upset and waiting for him.

"What's wrong, honey?" He asked.

"Look what I found under Little Johnny's bed!" She said, as she shoved an S&M/bondage porn magazine in his face. "What do you think we should do about it??"

"Well", He said, looking at the magazine "I think spanking him is out of the question."

:)

ok... that was very funny........

[Rurudyne]

While not essentially a joke: has anyone else ever noticed that the other commonality with dumb blonde jokes is that they are all about white people?

[Rurudyne]

I would like to thank Denyer of the Transformers Archive for this:
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear … and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
http://www.whorepresents.com

2 . "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island " at
http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the "Italian Power Generator" company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales,
http://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for "IP computer software", there's always.
http://www.ipanywhere.com

8. The " First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at 'Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site,
http://www.speedofart.com

[JudasGoat]

I caught this last week on a GIlbert Godfreid set;

A guy gets drunk at a bar and throws up all over himself. He's whining to his drinking buddy that his wife is going to kill him for this when he gets home. His buddy says 'no problem, I have an idea. Put a 10 dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell your wife some OTHER guy was drunk and puked on you. Then say he gave you a 10 for the cleaning bill'. So the dude drinks some more and heads home. When he gets there, still plastered, his wife asks him about his shirt. 'Honey, this guy was so drunk he threw up on me. He gave me a ten spot for the cleaning bill though. Look, he put it in my pocket.' She takes the bill out and says, 'uhm honey, he gave you a 20 by mistake'. And the guys says, "oh yeah I forgot. He also took a big crap in my pants too..."

[Rurudyne]

Some years ago I sent this to Rush Limbaugh when his PowerMac would cause the printer to spew paper endlessly (unless stopped) when receiving a fax. I took full advantage of that small fact while it remained. :)

Anyway:
From: "Deep Weed"
...TO: Rush Limbaugh

...RE: Secret California State Health Department Documents: RE: Second Hand Smoke Effects

BODY: My confidential source has provided me partial documents describing a study commenced under Governor Brown and concluded before he left office. Can you, with your resources, find corraboration of this story? I'm scared for my life out here.

Exerpt:
"... (I)t has been determined that additives in the aforementioned substance [cigarette tobacco], when recently or concurrently inhaled, even in trace amounts, inhibit the optimal effects of the substance in question [marijuana?]. It should be determined if said offending additives can be neutralized by means of 1) selective breeding of substance in question, or 2) additives to substance in question, or 3) removal at the source [tobacco companies] of the offending additives.

"If none of these options are viable then the systematic elimination of the offending substance inclusive of its additives should be persued through all means, legal.

"This is to be given priority in both health and public relations venues."

[LoneStarHero]

I used to date a chick from Taiwan. She was a real "Type A" personality!

[LoneStarHero]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[LoneStarHero]

Did you hear that they are building a freeway around the Castro district? It's gonna be called the Fruit Loop!

[LoneStarHero]

My girlfriend just got a new Persian cat. It screamed "Death to the infidels!"

[Hanache]

I belong to a forum called "Shes In Touch". A "She" is a "Sidetracked Home Executive" who adhere to a certain regimen for keeping their homes clean and tidy. When it shows up on "history" it's "Shesintouch". My hubby got all excited that I was visiting such a website until I told him what it was.

[SafetyNet]

What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall??

"Dam"


(I know its so 6th grade, but I can't help but laugh.....)

[Rurudyne]

If a Congressman keeps money in his fridge then what does he keep in his closet?

Skeletons.

[Rurudyne]

When comedians poke fun at President Bush, they usually concentrate on what comes out of his mouth.

When they made fun of President Clinton, it was usually on account of what he did with his mouth.

We need another fat president, so they can bemoan all of what goes into his mouth.

[Rurudyne]

In this day and age it's become apparent that many of us have become too dependent on our computers. I'll demonstrate...

Are you male or female?

To find the answer, look down
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Not here, dumbass!

[Rurudyne]

Fun with Google Maps:

1. Go to www.google.com (Don't use .co.uk or any otehr version)

2. Click on Maps.

3. Click on Get Directions.

4. Type in from: New York, New York.

5. To: Paris, France.

6. Then, read line #23.

[Harmonious]

Fun with Google Maps:

1. Go to www.google.com (Don't use .co.uk or any otehr version)

2. Click on Maps.

3. Click on Get Directions.

4. Type in from: New York, New York.

5. To: Paris, France.

6. Then, read line #23.

:)) That's how you get there... the looooooooong way.

[Harmonious]

And then take the directions in reverse. #20.

[Rurudyne]

Here's a little something fun for all you Sci-Fi fans out there. :D

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c192/JediG16/Star%20Wars/UnicronStrikesBack.jpg

[nortman]

An Irishman (this is not a hate joke, I'm Irish) gets the bad news from his doctor. "Liam, son. I have some bad news for ye. You have 6 months to live, you have lung cancer."
"Thanks for tellin' me, Doc. I have some business to take of."

So he goes out and gets his son and takes him to the local pub. There they are drinking pretty heavily when one of Liam's friends walks up.

"Liam, what are you doin?"

"Drownin' me sorrows, I just got the news that I have 6 months to live."

"6 Months, what's wrong with ya?"

"I've got AIDS"

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that." and his friend leaves.

"Dad," says his son. "You've got lung cancer."

"You know that and I know that. but now none of those ******** are going to try to sleep with your mother after I'm gone."

[Rurudyne]

Click for: Bob Hope on Zombies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWpU8sX10_4)

[Rurudyne]

What do Pirates Want for their Birthdays?

http://static.flickr.com/29/44753311_a9270c41ac_o.jpg

Only available at select Swarmy Image Stores.

[Rurudyne]

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are.... alongside the road ... and slowly the driver gets out of the car.
And you know how you just get sooooo stressed ... and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . .he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says: "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.

[NascarGirl2448]

Fun with Google Maps:

1. Go to www.google.com (http://www.google.com) (Don't use .co.uk or any otehr version)

2. Click on Maps.

3. Click on Get Directions.

4. Type in from: New York, New York.

5. To: Paris, France.

6. Then, read line #23.

I can't get it to work on my computer (darn thing!!), but a friend of mine got it on her computer one night, only she did it from New York to London.