Divorce

[signcut]

I'm getting a divorce.

I'm not really looking for sympathy; it's my decision, and I'll have to live with the repercussions. But I've thought it out for a long, long time, and it seems to be the best course, although it will be very difficult, especially for our kids (8, 16, 17). So why am I posting it here? Because I just need somewhere to talk about it, to get it out; there are times when it's easier to talk about things with people you don't know well, or even at all. Quirk of human nature, and I've never claimed to be anything but...

:neutral:



I actually told my wife about this a few weeks ago, and have been staying in the guest room. It has been a situation that has been building for some time, about the last two years, and while I had only relatively recently come to the conclusion what was going to happen, I was originally going to wait a few years, until the oldest were out of high school, and embarked on their lives. But, I just couldn't hold it together any longer, and had to bring it up. It was quite a shock to her, despite the fact that I had said that I couldn't live the way things were going, that I was going to leave without changes. These last few weeks have been fairly ugly, and I have really taken the brunt of it, especially from our kids. Most of what they know is what their mother has told them, that I am 'abandoning' them, that I am this, or that... I have not been able to talk to them very well; they have been too upset, and I have let them be, hoping to talk to them soon.

Fortunately, my wife and I have been able to talk more rationally lately, without the anger and accusations, or at least without as much. We've decided that instead of leaving right now, I'll leave on June 1st, and that will be the beginning of our official separation. We may even be able to avoid lawyers, and figure it all out ourselves... but that will be a stretch.

Still, it is progress.

[CMike11]

I am really sorry. It sounds very unpleasent.

Is it worth trying marriage counselling first?

[blazer]

I'm getting a divorce.

I'm not really looking for sympathy; it's my decision, and I'll have to live with the repercussions. But I've thought it out for a long, long time, and it seems to be the best course, although it will be very difficult, especially for our kids (8, 16, 17). So why am I posting it here? Because I just need somewhere to talk about it, to get it out; there are times when it's easier to talk about things with people you don't know well, or even at all. Quirk of human nature, and I've never claimed to be anything but...

:neutral:



I actually told my wife about this a few weeks ago, and have been staying in the guest room. It has been a situation that has been building for some time, about the last two years, and while I had only relatively recently come to the conclusion what was going to happen, I was originally going to wait a few years, until the oldest were out of high school, and embarked on their lives. But, I just couldn't hold it together any longer, and had to bring it up. It was quite a shock to her, despite the fact that I had said that I couldn't live the way things were going, that I was going to leave without changes. These last few weeks have been fairly ugly, and I have really taken the brunt of it, especially from our kids. Most of what they know is what their mother has told them, that I am 'abandoning' them, that I am this, or that... I have not been able to talk to them very well; they have been too upset, and I have let them be, hoping to talk to them soon.

Fortunately, my wife and I have been able to talk more rationally lately, without the anger and accusations, or at least without as much. We've decided that instead of leaving right now, I'll leave on June 1st, and that will be the beginning of our official separation. We may even be able to avoid lawyers, and figure it all out ourselves... but that will be a stretch.

Still, it is progress.

sorry you are having to go through this. I will be praying for you!

[rhet 2]

I hate to see anyone go through such trauma, turmoil and pain.

I, too, shall pray for you, your wife, and the kids.

[johnrocks]

Best of luck to you all, it is tough, no matter who,what,where or how all this happened, hopefully you all can get through it all with few scars, especially your kids.

[lkz]

You say you are not looking for sympathy; I am not sure if you want any advice. I will just tell you what I wish someone had said to me before I asked for a divorce; because dealing with something up front can save you a lot of heartache later on.

I have been through a divorce that I inititated and lived through the ramifications on the kids. You should talk with experts on how to deal with your children before leaving. I really recommend having a plan. It has more of a negitive impact on the kids than people tell you up front. The whole idea that our kids are better off in a home where the parents are happy doesn't actually hold water in real life. My two sons handled it different ways. My oldest was in 6th grade at the time of the divorce and the youngest was in kindergarten. The older son avoids commitment because he doesn't want to go through divorce. The younger son has suffered with depression and other problems. When they work with him a great deal of resentment comes from a feeling of being abandoned by his father. If you talk with experts ahead of time, they can help you deal with the children and how to have the least negitive impact on them with your leaving. Our divorce was not a messy one, but we did not deal with the kids emotions at the time.
Just a suggestion. I wish you happiness and peace of mind in the future.

[signcut]

I am really sorry. It sounds very unpleasent.

Is it worth trying marriage counselling first?

We're doing that, but still separating.

[signcut]

You say you are not looking for sympathy; I am not sure if you want any advice. I will just tell you what I wish someone had said to me before I asked for a divorce; because dealing with something up front can save you a lot of heartache later on.

I have been through a divorce that I inititated and lived through the ramifications on the kids. You should talk with experts on how to deal with your children before leaving. I really recommend having a plan. It has more of a negitive impact on the kids than people tell you up front. The whole idea that our kids are better off in a home where the parents are happy doesn't actually hold water in real life. My two sons handled it different ways. My oldest was in 6th grade at the time of the divorce and the youngest was in kindergarten. The older son avoids commitment because he doesn't want to go through divorce. The younger son has suffered with depression and other problems. When they work with him a great deal of resentment comes from a feeling of being abandoned by his father. If you talk with experts ahead of time, they can help you deal with the children and how to have the least negitive impact on them with your leaving. Our divorce was not a messy one, but we did not deal with the kids emotions at the time.
Just a suggestion. I wish you happiness and peace of mind in the future.

The kids have been my primary concern from the beginning; as adults, we will deal with whatever we have to, but they aren't as well equipped with experience to do the same thing, especially in this situation. I am defintiely treading lightly there, trying to keep making the point that it isn't about them, in any way.

They have gone through the 'I'm ignoring you completely' stage of anger, and are at the stage where they will talk some, but it is going to be a long road...

[signcut]

At first, the oldest kids were completely devastated. The oldest wouldn't talk to me at all, and our daughter, while she would chit-chat a little, wasn't enthused about that either. It wasn't anything I was surprised at; I knew that it was going to be hard, for everyone. What I was hanging my hat on, so to speak, was that, while it would take time, understanding, and a lot of listening, the parent-child relationship would still be there, in some form, although it would likely never be quite the same as it was before.

Recently, there has been signs of that: the oldest called me and asked if I would be at the state track meet, where he was competing. Of course I went, although I had originally not planned to,as he had said that it would be too hard for him to deal with. Our daughter has been able to talk to me longer, and about a little more than just general topics. Baby steps? Maybe, but baby steps are steps forward...

The youngest seems to be doing okay, although it has shown in some ways. I spend the most time with him, trying to keep things somewhat normal. It isn't, really, but it isn't as bad as it could be either. Of course he wants Mom and Dad to stay together, but seems to be getting the idea of what is happening, even if we haven't gone into the why. Although he is a very bright eight, there are some things that kids don't really need to know, or try to understand yet.

[Pollyanna]

I know what a painful decision divorce can be. I am trying to make that decision myself. I'm proud of you for continuing marriage counciling even if it is just to better act as a team for the children.

I was in marriage counciling. I was informed this weekend he doesn't want to go anymore. He doesn't believe in it. We see a male/female practice so we see both during our sessions. it's not like one sex was ganging up on him. He told me when I express my feelings he feels attacked.

I also go to private sessions. I wanted to work on some individual issues. I even did role playing so he didn't feel attacked by me. I am >< this close of asking my councilor of helping me make an exit strategy. I'm tired of being controlled by him.

[khigh]

At first, the oldest kids were completely devastated. The oldest wouldn't talk to me at all, and our daughter, while she would chit-chat a little, wasn't enthused about that either. It wasn't anything I was surprised at; I knew that it was going to be hard, for everyone. What I was hanging my hat on, so to speak, was that, while it would take time, understanding, and a lot of listening, the parent-child relationship would still be there, in some form, although it would likely never be quite the same as it was before.

Recently, there has been signs of that: the oldest called me and asked if I would be at the state track meet, where he was competing. Of course I went, although I had originally not planned to,as he had said that it would be too hard for him to deal with. Our daughter has been able to talk to me longer, and about a little more than just general topics. Baby steps? Maybe, but baby steps are steps forward...

The youngest seems to be doing okay, although it has shown in some ways. I spend the most time with him, trying to keep things somewhat normal. It isn't, really, but it isn't as bad as it could be either. Of course he wants Mom and Dad to stay together, but seems to be getting the idea of what is happening, even if we haven't gone into the why. Although he is a very bright eight, there are some things that kids don't really need to know, or try to understand yet.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It had to be a hard decision. Just please, don't bad mouth each other around the kids, not that you would. A few of my friends had their parents divorce when they were younger and ended up having a hard time only because one of them bad mouthed the other around them, calling the other spouse a cheater or ignorant etc.

[signcut]

I know what a painful decision divorce can be. I am trying to make that decision myself. I'm proud of you for continuing marriage counciling even if it is just to better act as a team for the children.

I was in marriage counciling. I was informed this weekend he doesn't want to go anymore. He doesn't believe in it. We see a male/female practice so we see both during our sessions. it's not like one sex was ganging up on him. He told me when I express my feelings he feels attacked.

I also go to private sessions. I wanted to work on some individual issues. I even did role playing so he didn't feel attacked by me. I am >< this close of asking my councilor of helping me make an exit strategy. I'm tired of being controlled by him.

I'm going to start seeing an individual counselor soon; divorce is not something that is one person's fault, I know that I have some issues that I should deal with.

It is a difficult decision, and an even more difficult position to be in feel that the decision has to be made, one way or the other.

[signcut]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It had to be a hard decision. Just please, don't bad mouth each other around the kids, not that you would. A few of my friends had their parents divorce when they were younger and ended up having a hard time only because one of them bad mouthed the other around them, calling the other spouse a cheater or ignorant etc.

That is the hardest part of any divorce, I think.

It is natural for the one who doesn't want the divorce to feel abandoned, rejected, hurt, angry... and it is also entirely natural to want to hurt the other person the same way that they feel they have been hurt. Unfortunately, usually the easiest weapons to use are the kids, and all too often each side wants the kids to side with them; instead of showing them how even people that are going through such a trying time can work together, they show how to use emotional manipulation against people who have hurt you, or that you're angry at.

I am trying to avoid that, if at all possible

[Rupperov91]

The first stages are tough signcut. I'm going through one myself. Unfortunately with kids the lawyer end of it is unavoidable pretty much. Initially there will be a million questions that require answers where there are none. The children will ask questions that no answer will satisfy. The best thing you can tell them is that they have a mom and a dad that are going nowhere and will always be there for them. I HIGHLY recommend you don't initiate divorce right of the bat. You need to let separation set in, learn what life is like without the woman you've spent a large part of your life with, the woman you chose to have a family with. Sometimes we just lose sight of what is important to us and enriches us without even knowing it. Time apart will make you want for some of the things you thought you could live without. Simple things, a smile, a giggle, a smell. Something as simple as looking in the passenger seat in your car on the way to the car wash and you realize its empty can trigger something in you.

Allow me to give you an example. Bear with me because I get long winded sometimes.

Our middle daughter is a pretty good athlete. Struggles in school with ADHD but we've kept her eligible because she works her ass off, and has some depression issues we have pretty well managed. She's a cheerleader and also a 7th grader on the 8th grade softball team. Erika and I now have to split time with driving the kids for school and she has trouble making the first game of double headers because of it. Anyway, her team is undefeated and they're down 2-0 in the bottom of the sixth and it doesn't look good for the undefeated season. She's near the bottom of the order because she a 7th grader and the 8th graders are better hitters than her. She up with 2 outs and an 0-2 count. She creams one over the left fielders head all the way to the fence on a boys little league field for her first home run in league play. She's normally a singles/doubles hitter. They score twice in the bottom of the seventh with the 8th graders hitting and remain undefeated. They gave her the game ball and she was so proud. I went over and gave her a hug and told her how proud I was of her for the home run and doing well in school. She asked "where's mom?" I had to tell her she wasn't here yet. All the work I did with her in the back yard paid off, all the times I pitched and my wife shagged fly balls in the back yard paid off and mom missed it. A child was denied something she deserved because two adults didn't work hard enough at a commitment and a marriage. Think about those things signcut, before you consider divorce. Don't mean to preach but its just something you might want to consider. Divorce is not just about the two who show up in court.

[signcut]

The first stages are tough signcut. I'm going through one myself. Unfortunately with kids the lawyer end of it is unavoidable pretty much. Initially there will be a million questions that require answers where there are none. The children will ask questions that no answer will satisfy. The best thing you can tell them is that they have a mom and a dad that are going nowhere and will always be there for them. I HIGHLY recommend you don't initiate divorce right of the bat. You need to let separation set in, learn what life is like without the woman you've spent a large part of your life with, the woman you chose to have a family with. Sometimes we just lose sight of what is important to us and enriches us without even knowing it. Time apart will make you want for some of the things you thought you could live without. Simple things, a smile, a giggle, a smell. Something as simple as looking in the passenger seat in your car on the way to the car wash and you realize its empty can trigger something in you.

I'm trying to avoid the lawyers because we're really not that far off in what we want, or are asking for. No questions about the house, about who will have custody, or how much visitation. Child support up to and beyond guidelines is a no-brainer, as is splitting the 401k and pension. The debt is not crushing, and I will be taking a good part of it, and other assets are pretty much divided. The only sticking point right now is not in paying alimony, but the amount and length... and I'm hopeful that we can come to some sort of agreement on that.

The way that I put it to the kids was that, as adults, we sometimes fall in love with each other, and sometimes we fall out of love. The difference is that we will never fall out of love with our children. No matter what else ever happens, we will both always be there for them.

We have been physically separated, more or less, for about four years of our marriage. It has only been within the last few years that that stopped. Unfortunately, what it did was expose problems that had already been there, and grown, been allowed to grow, due to being apart. We have not been able to resolve those problems; hence, the position we are in. It seems that both of us are too comfortable with the other not being there...

Allow me to give you an example. Bear with me because I get long winded sometimes.

Our middle daughter is a pretty good athlete. Struggles in school with ADHD but we've kept her eligible because she works her ass off, and has some depression issues we have pretty well managed. She's a cheerleader and also a 7th grader on the 8th grade softball team. Erika and I now have to split time with driving the kids for school and she has trouble making the first game of double headers because of it. Anyway, her team is undefeated and they're down 2-0 in the bottom of the sixth and it doesn't look good for the undefeated season. She's near the bottom of the order because she a 7th grader and the 8th graders are better hitters than her. She up with 2 outs and an 0-2 count. She creams one over the left fielders head all the way to the fence on a boys little league field for her first home run in league play. She's normally a singles/doubles hitter. They score twice in the bottom of the seventh with the 8th graders hitting and remain undefeated. They gave her the game ball and she was so proud. I went over and gave her a hug and told her how proud I was of her for the home run and doing well in school. She asked "where's mom?" I had to tell her she wasn't here yet. All the work I did with her in the back yard paid off, all the times I pitched and my wife shagged fly balls in the back yard paid off and mom missed it. A child was denied something she deserved because two adults didn't work hard enough at a commitment and a marriage. Think about those things signcut, before you consider divorce. Don't mean to preach but its just something you might want to consider. Divorce is not just about the two who show up in court.

That is the hardest part, that the poeple who suffer the most are often not the ones who go to court. I know a mediator for divorce cases, and his favorite way to start off is to tell them that the most important people in the divorce are not even in the room. I don't want to miss out on too much, although my job already makes it almost impossible to not miss some. It becomes even more important, IMO, to be there as much as possible afterward, to help the transition, and to maintain the ties that too often can be stretched to the breaking point, and beyond.

Thank you

[signcut]

Another day.


It is harder to stay in the house, I think, than to leave. By staying, even just temporarily, it seems that signals are being read into that, even if they aren't being sent. It also raises the potentially sticky problem of whether or not to occasionally share a bed. I don't want to, because it will only raise hopes, or at the very least be read wrong, as 'using' the other person. It's hard enough without adding to it, but it doesn't help to have to try to explain that...


One more week.

[bella-day]

Signcut,
I'm very sorry to read this has invaded your life.

As a survivor of divorce after 25 years of marriage, I do sympathize with you. It's good to read that you are putting your children first. So many couples get so wrapped up in their anger at each other and their own emotional needs that the children either end up being used like tools or leaned upon like little adults who are ready to process so much complex information.

Things I wish my ex and I had done during the course of our divorce.

1. I wish we had not separated so fast.

2. I wish we would have talked more. It was as if after those 4 words were spoken (I want a divorce), there was nothing more to say.

3. I wish we has stayed separated longer. I know that sounds strange but from the day he moved out until we signed that document that ended our life together only 90 days had passed. Looking back now, I realize that decades of my life (and his) deserved more time and consideration.

This isn't something that has to happen fast and once it is done there is very little looking back. Just think things our carefully my friend. We all have bumps in the road of life that at first, second, or third glance tend to look like mountains...and then later we discover they didn't amount to much more than a mole hill.

And venting on an anonymous forum could be very helpful. I know I roll things around in my head long after I leave the keyboard after interacting with people on this site.

Best of luck to you and yours.

I pray for better days for all of you.

[jwil59]

Another day.


It is harder to stay in the house, I think, than to leave. By staying, even just temporarily, it seems that signals are being read into that, even if they aren't being sent. It also raises the potentially sticky problem of whether or not to occasionally share a bed. I don't want to, because it will only raise hopes, or at the very least be read wrong, as 'using' the other person. It's hard enough without adding to it, but it doesn't help to have to try to explain that...


One more week.

I am sorry you are going through this buddy. I will certainly be in prayer and thinking about you and your family

[signcut]

Signcut,
I'm very sorry to read this has invaded your life.

As a survivor of divorce after 25 years of marriage, I do sympathize with you. It's good to read that you are putting your children first. So many couples get so wrapped up in their anger at each other and their own emotional needs that the children either end up being used like tools or leaned upon like little adults who are ready to process so much complex information.

Things I wish my ex and I had done during the course of our divorce.

1. I wish we had not separated so fast.

2. I wish we would have talked more. It was as if after those 4 words were spoken (I want a divorce), there was nothing more to say.

3. I wish we has stayed separated longer. I know that sounds strange but from the day he moved out until we signed that document that ended our life together only 90 days had passed. Looking back now, I realize that decades of my life (and his) deserved more time and consideration.

This isn't something that has to happen fast and once it is done there is very little looking back. Just think things our carefully my friend. We all have bumps in the road of life that at first, second, or third glance tend to look like mountains...and then later we discover they didn't amount to much more than a mole hill.

And venting on an anonymous forum could be very helpful. I know I roll things around in my head long after I leave the keyboard after interacting with people on this site.

Best of luck to you and yours.

I pray for better days for all of you.

We have problems with communication, apparently, although I suppose that should come as no surprise... :eh:

We are talking about it. We're going to counseling, although we are still separating. To be honest, I wasn't going to at first, but decided to for a few reasons: first, if nothing else, we will be able to clearly see and understand (hopefully) what happened. To be perfectly honest, I don't think it will make a difference, or enough of one: our problems are deep-seated, and long-standing. But I will give it a try for the second reason, which is the kids. I think that they need to see that we are making the effort; I don't know how long it will be, but it will have been done. I am hopeful that this will make it easier for them to deal with the entire situation in the long run.

Although our separation is going to be an 'official' one, we have been separated for some length of time already, by circumstance. Almost half of our ten years has been apart, with just weekend, or every other weekend, visits. This has been a big part of the problem, but there isn't anyone to blame it on but ourselves; we knew the risks of the situation that we were putting ourselves in, and took it. We lost the gamble, and it will cost us our marriage. It isn't that everything was rosy and perfect before; but it did allow those problems to grow, enlarge, and settle in deeply. So this is not really happening quickly, and regardless of how long it takes to actually get divorced, will not have happened quickly after the separation.

I am going to individual counseling to try to make sure that this isn't just a snap decision, and to deal with what issues that I have, because I don't want them to continue to be problems with my loved one(s). After about two years of consideration, I truly don't believe that this is a decision based on anger, or as a result of the short-term difficulties that every couple goes through. I do suppose that the only real way to find that out is through the passage of time... :)


Thank you

[signcut]

sorry you are having to go through this. I will be praying for you!

I hate to see anyone go through such trauma, turmoil and pain.

I, too, shall pray for you, your wife, and the kids.

Best of luck to you all, it is tough, no matter who,what,where or how all this happened, hopefully you all can get through it all with few scars, especially your kids.

I'm sorry that I didn't respond earlier; I guess I just wasn't paying attention...


Thank you for your kindness, truly.

[signcut]

I am sorry you are going through this buddy. I will certainly be in prayer and thinking about you and your family

Thank you.

[bella-day]

We have problems with communication, apparently, although I suppose that should come as no surprise... :eh:

We are talking about it. We're going to counseling, although we are still separating. To be honest, I wasn't going to at first, but decided to for a few reasons: first, if nothing else, we will be able to clearly see and understand (hopefully) what happened. To be perfectly honest, I don't think it will make a difference, or enough of one: our problems are deep-seated, and long-standing. But I will give it a try for the second reason, which is the kids. I think that they need to see that we are making the effort; I don't know how long it will be, but it will have been done. I am hopeful that this will make it easier for them to deal with the entire situation in the long run.

Although our separation is going to be an 'official' one, we have been separated for some length of time already, by circumstance. Almost half of our ten years has been apart, with just weekend, or every other weekend, visits. This has been a big part of the problem, but there isn't anyone to blame it on but ourselves; we knew the risks of the situation that we were putting ourselves in, and took it. We lost the gamble, and it will cost us our marriage. It isn't that everything was rosy and perfect before; but it did allow those problems to grow, enlarge, and settle in deeply. So this is not really happening quickly, and regardless of how long it takes to actually get divorced, will not have happened quickly after the separation.

I am going to individual counseling to try to make sure that this isn't just a snap decision, and to deal with what issues that I have, because I don't want them to continue to be problems with my loved one(s). After about two years of consideration, I truly don't believe that this is a decision based on anger, or as a result of the short-term difficulties that every couple goes through. I do suppose that the only real way to find that out is through the passage of time... :)


Thank you


It sounds like you are taking a reasoned and rational approach to this.

I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

BTW, the weekend marriage thing...been there...done that. It was a contributing factor to the divorce.

Best of luck to you.

[khigh]

We have problems with communication, apparently, although I suppose that should come as no surprise... :eh:

We are talking about it. We're going to counseling, although we are still separating. To be honest, I wasn't going to at first, but decided to for a few reasons: first, if nothing else, we will be able to clearly see and understand (hopefully) what happened. To be perfectly honest, I don't think it will make a difference, or enough of one: our problems are deep-seated, and long-standing. But I will give it a try for the second reason, which is the kids. I think that they need to see that we are making the effort; I don't know how long it will be, but it will have been done. I am hopeful that this will make it easier for them to deal with the entire situation in the long run.

Although our separation is going to be an 'official' one, we have been separated for some length of time already, by circumstance. Almost half of our ten years has been apart, with just weekend, or every other weekend, visits. This has been a big part of the problem, but there isn't anyone to blame it on but ourselves; we knew the risks of the situation that we were putting ourselves in, and took it. We lost the gamble, and it will cost us our marriage. It isn't that everything was rosy and perfect before; but it did allow those problems to grow, enlarge, and settle in deeply. So this is not really happening quickly, and regardless of how long it takes to actually get divorced, will not have happened quickly after the separation.

I am going to individual counseling to try to make sure that this isn't just a snap decision, and to deal with what issues that I have, because I don't want them to continue to be problems with my loved one(s). After about two years of consideration, I truly don't believe that this is a decision based on anger, or as a result of the short-term difficulties that every couple goes through. I do suppose that the only real way to find that out is through the passage of time... :)


Thank you

I'm glad you are going this route and trying to stay civil. I understand about the being away most of the time from each other. That is why a lot of military families split up. My husband and I have been married 2 civilian years, 1 military year (meaning he has been gone for the whole second year of our marriage). Separated marriage takes a lot of work.

You will all be included in my evening prayers. I pray that Parvati (Hindu goddess of love and marriage and divorce) bless you and keep you safe in your time of separation. I pray that she look over your children and help them understand that you still love them.

[signcut]

It sounds like you are taking a reasoned and rational approach to this.

I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

BTW, the weekend marriage thing...been there...done that. It was a contributing factor to the divorce.

Best of luck to you.

Tell that to my wife...

:)



It certainly does make things much harder, lettnig problems grow to a point where they can no longer be dealt with easily, or possibly at all.

[signcut]

I'm glad you are going this route and trying to stay civil. I understand about the being away most of the time from each other. That is why a lot of military families split up. My husband and I have been married 2 civilian years, 1 military year (meaning he has been gone for the whole second year of our marriage). Separated marriage takes a lot of work.

You will all be included in my evening prayers. I pray that Parvati (Hindu goddess of love and marriage and divorce) bless you and keep you safe in your time of separation. I pray that she look over your children and help them understand that you still love them.

I saw a lot of military marriages go under when I was in the Army (11 years, infantry and artillery). It is a difficult situation, to say the least.


Thank you for your prayers.

[JenyEliza]

The first stages are tough signcut. I'm going through one myself. Unfortunately with kids the lawyer end of it is unavoidable pretty much. Initially there will be a million questions that require answers where there are none. The children will ask questions that no answer will satisfy. The best thing you can tell them is that they have a mom and a dad that are going nowhere and will always be there for them. I HIGHLY recommend you don't initiate divorce right of the bat. You need to let separation set in, learn what life is like without the woman you've spent a large part of your life with, the woman you chose to have a family with. Sometimes we just lose sight of what is important to us and enriches us without even knowing it. Time apart will make you want for some of the things you thought you could live without. Simple things, a smile, a giggle, a smell. Something as simple as looking in the passenger seat in your car on the way to the car wash and you realize its empty can trigger something in you.

Allow me to give you an example. Bear with me because I get long winded sometimes.

Our middle daughter is a pretty good athlete. Struggles in school with ADHD but we've kept her eligible because she works her ass off, and has some depression issues we have pretty well managed. She's a cheerleader and also a 7th grader on the 8th grade softball team. Erika and I now have to split time with driving the kids for school and she has trouble making the first game of double headers because of it. Anyway, her team is undefeated and they're down 2-0 in the bottom of the sixth and it doesn't look good for the undefeated season. She's near the bottom of the order because she a 7th grader and the 8th graders are better hitters than her. She up with 2 outs and an 0-2 count. She creams one over the left fielders head all the way to the fence on a boys little league field for her first home run in league play. She's normally a singles/doubles hitter. They score twice in the bottom of the seventh with the 8th graders hitting and remain undefeated. They gave her the game ball and she was so proud. I went over and gave her a hug and told her how proud I was of her for the home run and doing well in school. She asked "where's mom?" I had to tell her she wasn't here yet. All the work I did with her in the back yard paid off, all the times I pitched and my wife shagged fly balls in the back yard paid off and mom missed it. A child was denied something she deserved because two adults didn't work hard enough at a commitment and a marriage. Think about those things signcut, before you consider divorce. Don't mean to preach but its just something you might want to consider. Divorce is not just about the two who show up in court.

Beautiful advice, Rup. :clap:

Jeny
(divorced with two kids)

[jwil59]

Thank you.

How ya doing buddy? Things any better, I pray not worse

[signcut]

How ya doing buddy? Things any better, I pray not worse

Counselling is out; I've been told that the only way that it will/would be considered is if I really go to town kissing her ass, because she has done nothing wrong, and I need to accept that this is all my doing, all my fault.

I have my own character faults; I admit pride can be one of them. So...



On the other hand, we sat down, and it looks like we may have an agreement in principle. It wasn't the way that she wanted to do it, but I was absolutely not going to go her route (her lawyer would be our mediator; she couldn't understand what I saw as a problem with that). She's going to send it to her lawyer to review; I'm really hoping that he sees what I think, that it is pretty decent. Again, I'm not trying to chisel her, I'm not against paying more than what the state requires; on the other hand, I don't want to hamstring myself either. I think that in most divorces, there isn't enough money to make everyone happy, and this will be no exception. I just can't understand men (or women) that find it necessary to 'stick it' to their exes; in the long run, the kids are the ones that really pay for that crap...

Anyway, other than not knowing what to expect from her on any given day, I think that it is going as well as can be expected. The older kids seem to be dealing with it okay, and the youngest appears to be over the frightened stage of not knowing what is going to happen to him, and while we are still arguing on occasion, there are just as many times that we are able to just talk about what to do, or how to do it. Still, I can't help but think it will be easier once I leave...

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

[spinach]

I'm going to start seeing an individual counselor soon; divorce is not something that is one person's fault, I know that I have some issues that I should deal with.

It is a difficult decision, and an even more difficult position to be in feel that the decision has to be made, one way or the other.

Divorce is not a good thing.

Talk to a pastor at a Calvary Chapel, near you.
Bring the wife.

You won't regret it. Most marriages can be saved. And it's not just for the kids I am saying this- but for your well being and for the wife's.


When you got married, it was a major decision- and now it affects three other people, the kids. God hates divorce. In the original language, that word "hates" in the Hebrew is the strongest 'form' of "hate" that can be expressed in that language.

You had love once before, and you can find it back.
Take the leap of faith, and go talk to a Calvary Chapel pastor-
one that is associated with Chuck Smith [California].

BTW: get rid of the other advisers- this is between you and the wife, and God.
This is very important.

I will pray for you.

[signcut]

Thank you for your prayers, spinach.

Sincerely.

[signcut]

Well, improvement on the home front.

First, the house will empty today. :) The older kids already left on a mission trip, but the wife is leaving today for Vegas, for her sister's wedding. I will be gone by the time that she returns, which I think will be easier on everyone. It isn't that I want to be away from the kids, but not having the daily tension between the wife and me will make day-to-day living less stressful, for everyone in the house.

Second, our agreement in principle is going to be looked at by her lawyer, and I admit that I have a fairly good feeling about it. If that pans out, then we can move on without the resentment, anger, and general ill-will that protracted legal battles bring.

[birdonawire]

There are always two sides to every story.

I will pray for you but I will also pray for your wife and children it sounds like they are pretty tore up about this divorce.

Spinach had some good advice a marriage can be saved if both parties are willing to try unless there was abuse ( not saying that was the case here).

So praying for all involved. :pray:

[cyph3r7]

There are always two sides to every story.


I believe there are 3 sides, his side, her side and somewhere in the middle is the truth.

As to your situation Signcut I am sorry to hear that things could not be worked out. I am going through a similar situation. We separated in January after 13 years. I have the kids and it has been a difficult 4 months. I wish my situation was going as well as yours. I am glad that the two of you can be mature about this, it helps with everyone involved to see that life may not be so bad after divorce.

[birdonawire]

I believe there are 3 sides, his side, her side and somewhere in the middle is the truth.

As to your situation Signcut I am sorry to hear that things could not be worked out. I am going through a similar situation. We separated in January after 13 years. I have the kids and it has been a difficult 4 months. I wish my situation was going as well as yours. I am glad that the two of you can be mature about this, it helps with everyone involved to see that life may not be so bad after divorce.

I stand corrected the TRUTH is always in the middle. :)

Reading between the lines it sounds like the wife and children are the unhappiest in this case so I will continue my prayers for them.

Not to say I am not praying for signcut because I am it just seems he has moved on.

cyph3r7 I will also put you and yours in my prayers. :pray:

[Rhonda]

There are always two sides to every story.

I will pray for you but I will also pray for your wife and children it sounds like they are pretty tore up about this divorce.

Spinach had some good advice a marriage can be saved if both parties are willing to try unless there was abuse ( not saying that was the case here).

So praying for all involved. :pray:

When my Dad divorced my Mom, I was an adult, it changed my life forever, and not for the better. 26 years of marriage and he threw it away, and to this day he tells me he regrets his decision. He got married to another woman one month after the divorce was final.

I have never been able to fully forgive him,, after I have seen what my Dad did. I thought he was a better man than that. My Mom lost not only her husband, but he took her home, and left her with nothing. I thgink I have trust issues because of my Dads decision. I hope signuts children fair better.

To this day my Dad tells me he is still in love with my Mother, and wishes he could go back. How freaking sad is that. Too little too late :cry:

[blazer]

:hug:

[birdonawire]

When my Dad divorced my Mom, I was an adult, it changed my life forever, and not for the better. 26 years of marriage and he threw it away, and to this day he tells me he regrets his decision. He got married to another woman one month after the divorce was final.

I have never been able to fully forgive him,, after I have seen what my Dad did. I thought he was a better man than that. My Mom lost not only her husband, but he took her home, and left her with nothing. I thgink I have trust issues because of my Dads decision. I hope signuts children fair better.

To this day my Dad tells me he is still in love with my Mother, and wishes he could go back. How freaking sad is that. Too little too late :cry:

Thats real sad some people think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence only to find that its just the same. :frown:

Any time there is another woman involved ( or man ) it's worse than a divorce for other reasons.

Children understand far more that us adults give them credit for they see things differently than we do but they know what is going on.

Divorce hurts pure and simple especially the kids and the spouse that didn't want the divorce in the first place.

I will continue to pray for all involved.

Saying a special prayer for you too Rhonda. :pray:

[Rhonda]

I am not usually one who gets involved in these kinds of threads, for fear of saying something wrong, that may be devastating or hurtful. But I fear that if someone doesn't state the obvious, that signuts children will be more devastated than he realizes, or more than they can articulate at this time

Don't want to seem long winded or judgemental, just want to throw this out for anyone that is contemplating a divorce

My sister was 13 when my dad divorced my Mom, her life was turned inside out, she did not become the woman that we all thought she could be. She blamed herself and wondered what she did wrong, to cause my dad to leave while she was still in need of a Father. He moved far away, married another woman, saw my sister every other weekend, paid my Mom a few louzy hundred dollars, ( court forced child support) left her without a home with my Mom, while my Mom had to reconfigure her entire life. I have done everything to make my Moms life better since. It is a good thing that she has 6 children to make sure she does not do without. Meanwhile my Dad and his wife built themselves a very nice home. Yay Dad.
My sister started failing all her subjects in school, ( although she is very smart girl ), and got married at the tender age of 16, with my Dads blessing and signature...that turned out real well :rolleyes:
My sister searched for a "man" to trust ever since. She has finally overcome, but not without much heartache, terrible abuse and disappointment

Yes I blame it on the divorce, without council, the children will not and cannot open up and articulate how truly devastated they feel. They are too confused at this point

Seems I am still angry about the divorce, huh? :doh: I wonder why

Fathers set the standard that the children eventually fall into or follow


I hope this post is seen with the intent that it is meant. I have and will continue to pray that the Lords will be done in this situation, but it is free will that will dictate the outcome :pray:

These are some of the "reprecussions" of divorce

[birdonawire]

Rhonda,

I am so sorry that had to happen to your little sister I'm so glad she is doing better now.

You gave a perfect example of what can happen to children when divorce comes.

When there is another woman or man in the picture it makes it even tougher for the kids because in their little minds a lot of time they think Daddy loves this other woman more than them and that can devastate a child.

[signcut]

Divorce can certainly suck. On the other hand, sometimes it is necessary. I saw my parents divorce when I was young, and while it was certainly for the better in the long run, it was hard to see that at the time. To be blunt, I would never have been able to become the person I am today had I been left to my mother's 'tender mercies'; that divorce saved me and my family from certain wreckage. Not to say that there wasn't other fallout, but it was the right thing at the time...

Divorce is hardest on kids; as adults, we can deal with what happens in our lives, good or bad, ot at least hopefully so. But, kids don't have that life's experience, the friends and other resources to draw on, and to use, that we do. I know that, and that is why they are my primary concern in all this. That isn't to say that I don't care about my wife, but I also know that she will be alright in the end.

Marriage doesn't happen with one person, and only in unusual cases does divorce happen with one person as well. There were things that I could have done, done better, or shouldn't have done, just as there were with her. That is the simple truth of just about any divorce; my view is that instead of concentrating on apportioning the blame, I'd like to look to the future, and see that they are all taken care of.

It isn't necessarily that I have 'moved on' as much as I have accepted that this is the right thing to do, and is what is going to happen. In that regard, I can look at it in a more... logical than emotional way might be the better way of putting it. Essentially: deal with what is, not with what was.

Thanks to all for your concern; there is rarely an easy way to do this

[CMike11]

I stand corrected the TRUTH is always in the middle. :)

Reading between the lines it sounds like the wife and children are the unhappiest in this case so I will continue my prayers for them.

Not to say I am not praying for signcut because I am it just seems he has moved on.

cyph3r7 I will also put you and yours in my prayers. :pray:

Actually the truth is the truth. It can be one side, the other side, the middle, or something else.

In any case at this point what's the difference?

[signcut]

Actually the truth is the truth. It can be one side, the other side, the middle, or something else.

In any case at this point what's the difference?

I don't think that one side or the other can ever really claim 'the truth'; fact of the matter is that it can be on both sides at different times, and at other times on neither. You are right though; at a certain point, worrying about 'truth', and 'blame', are really more counter-productive than not; what matters is trying to lessen the fallout.

Right now, that is what I'm focused on; time will tell how well that worked...


:neutral:

[birdonawire]

Actually the truth is the truth. It can be one side, the other side, the middle, or something else.

In any case at this point what's the difference?

I'll stick with the truth is in the middle theory.

No difference, its clear that he has made his point in more ways than one , one would have to be blind not to see that.

I will continue to pray for his wife and children because I think they need it.

And I will wish him and his new lady the best of luck even if I dont agree with what happened.

But one thing I wont do is continue this farce here in the OO.

[jwil59]

I don't think that one side or the other can ever really claim 'the truth'; fact of the matter is that it can be on both sides at different times, and at other times on neither. You are right though; at a certain point, worrying about 'truth', and 'blame', are really more counter-productive than not; what matters is trying to lessen the fallout.

Right now, that is what I'm focused on; time will tell how well that worked...


:neutral:

I'm praying for you man.

[signcut]

Well, I am officially out of the house now. The wife and kids are in Las Vegas for her sister's wedding, so I was there alone anyway, but I am getting ready to go somewhere else for work, and so left this morning with the last of my stuff.

Still semi-civil with the wife, and right now the older kids are speaking to me, but just a little. The youngest is glad to talk on the phone, and looking forward to coming home so that we can spend time together on weekends. It may be easier overall at this point; not having to live with seeing each other every day may make the adjustment less difficult for them.

Well, that's what I hope. We'll see.

[jwil59]

Well, I am officially out of the house now. The wife and kids are in Las Vegas for her sister's wedding, so I was there alone anyway, but I am getting ready to go somewhere else for work, and so left this morning with the last of my stuff.

Still semi-civil with the wife, and right now the older kids are speaking to me, but just a little. The youngest is glad to talk on the phone, and looking forward to coming home so that we can spend time together on weekends. It may be easier overall at this point; not having to live with seeing each other every day may make the adjustment less difficult for them.

Well, that's what I hope. We'll see.


I'm still in prayer for you guys buddy. hang tough friend

[signcut]

Days like this are tough; holidays can be hard enough without other issues intruding in. Normally, let's face it, Father's Day is not tough, but they can be when there are unresolved issues, and the kids become weapons used by one parent against another.

Due to a busy summer schedule, I was only going to be able to see my son three possible times in June and July, before he goes back to school. I am okay with that, I am not going to ask that he stay home when the others are going somewhere, so that he spends time with me; we will have our times all year long. I suppose it all comes down to how it's done...

Every other weekend is probably the standard for divorce, and the non-custodial parent. I saw my son last week, but after being given his schedule, saw that this week and last were the only available weeks this month, and next month there is only one open week. So, I asked to see him this weekend; I was told that there was a big camping trip planned with a lot of people, and a lot of his friends, and that changing that wouldn't be possible. Okay, if it's like that, then it would almost be like punishing him to make him not spend time with friends and other family; I might not particularly like it, but can see the point.

Except... it turns out that, 1) the trip was only his brother, my son, and his older brother's dad, and 2) that his nother had told him that she wanted him to go. That, IMO, is underhanded, and mean. Not that what I think means anything; I won't tell the kids what is in my head, and she won't care. But I hate crap like this, the emotional warfare that takes no prisoners, and has unintended victims.

It could have been worse; my son did call, and I treated myself to a nice steak, but... it could have been better too.

[jwil59]

Just keep trying man, see him all you can. Things are what they are bro

I'm praying for you buddy

[bella-day]

Father's day should have been yours without question Signcut.

I never was real big on the every other weekend thing. My ex used to drop by on the way home from work to pick our daughter up for things like going to WalMart with him or maybe just going out for a burger. I know it doesn't sound like much a trip for her but it meant so much to her to have his undivided attention even if it was just for a quick trip to the store.

If there was something special that he wanted to do with her on one of his "off" weekends he would let me know. If we didn't have something huge planned already she would be with him that weekend also.

Divorce (no matter how civil the parents feel they are being) is tough enough on kids without making them feel as if they are the unwilling victims of a really nasty tug-of-war.

Your soon to be ex-wife should have stopped to consider your son and his feelings instead imposing hers on him.

[signcut]

Just keep trying man, see him all you can. Things are what they are bro

I'm praying for you buddy

Thanks, I will keep trying. I call regularly, but he is going to be out of town for pretty much every weekend until school starts, so I am limited in what I can do. I know that I will be able to see him then, but I also feel like I'm losing opportunities now...

But, no matter what, I will not stop trying or calling.

[signcut]

Father's day should have been yours without question Signcut.

I never was real big on the every other weekend thing. My ex used to drop by on the way home from work to pick our daughter up for things like going to WalMart with him or maybe just going out for a burger. I know it doesn't sound like much a trip for her but it meant so much to her to have his undivided attention even if it was just for a quick trip to the store.

If there was something special that he wanted to do with her on one of his "off" weekends he would let me know. If we didn't have something huge planned already she would be with him that weekend also.

Divorce (no matter how civil the parents feel they are being) is tough enough on kids without making them feel as if they are the unwilling victims of a really nasty tug-of-war.

Your soon to be ex-wife should have stopped to consider your son and his feelings instead imposing hers on him.

It's tough, that's for sure.

The drawback is that I am 3 1/2 hours away, which, while close enough to see him regularly, is too far to see him daily. That is a situation that will continue until at least November... After that, I am planning on living literally just down the street.

[beruth1]

Please read my post it is titled "I'm Sad"

[jwil59]

It's tough, that's for sure.

The drawback is that I am 3 1/2 hours away, which, while close enough to see him regularly, is too far to see him daily. That is a situation that will continue until at least November... After that, I am planning on living literally just down the street.

Now are you doing now buddy?

[nortman]

Signcut, I'm saddened that counselling didn't work. I wish it would have, but I know every once in a while you find a counsellor who is lousy at their job. Finding fault with just one party is not the way to do your job when you are in that business. My wife's brother had one of those when he and his wife were trying counselling. After the first meeting, she advised his wife to file for divorce and try to take everything that she could. They actually did better without counselling. They have filed for divorce now, but they made an honest attempt at improving it themselves for another 4 years after that horrible incident with that idiot counsellor. I realize that things cannot be worked out, sometimes. But, I'm still saddened when someone's marriage breaks apart. I pray that your both find healing after this horrible event in your lives.

[FoxGranadaChuck]

signcut, i'm saddened that counselling didn't work. I wish it would have, but i know every once in a while you find a counsellor who is lousy at their job. Finding fault with just one party is not the way to do your job when you are in that business. My wife's brother had one of those when he and his wife were trying counselling. After the first meeting, she advised his wife to file for divorce and try to take everything that she could. They actually did better without counselling. They have filed for divorce now, but they made an honest attempt at improving it themselves for another 4 years after that horrible incident with that idiot counsellor. I realize that things cannot be worked out, sometimes. But, i'm still saddened when someone's marriage breaks apart. I pray that your both find healing after this horrible event in your lives.


+1