A Fathers story.

[B' en Natuf]

14 years ago I was in the Army and stationed in another state. I had been recently divorced and had a brief fling with a woman who shall remain nameless. She told me at the time that she could not have any more children because of a surgery. When it was over it was over. Eventually I was reassigned to a different state and I never heard from her again.

Until recently. I got a call the other day informing me that my daughter was about to celebrate her 13th birthday. A saughter I've never met and a daughter I had no knowledge of. Why she would choose after 14 years to inform me now is kind of perplexing. Why she would choose to tell the girl after all this time calling another man daddy is equally perplexing. Knowing her as I do though, I have an idea... money. I've already submitted to a DNA test which I arranged the day after being told and I'm waiting for results.

This has weighed heavily on me the last few days while I await the results. If she is mine I am torn. My first inclination is to slowly introduce myself into her life and offer the mother some reasonable support. I know her though and she will not be reasonable. My only defense will be to sue for custody. This has several problems.

1. The effect on the child
2. Its another state
3. she's the mother

By all reports the girl has had a good life and her stand in father has been good to her... but so what. This SOB stole a daughters affection from her rightful father for 13 years. He robbed my daughter of a fathers love for 13 years. Who cares how good he's been to her? After all, if a man robbed a bank and gave half the money to the church would you call it a "good work". Does he expect my gratitude? AScrew him... he's a thief.

Between him and the mother they have conspired to deprive me of my parental rights for 13 years. AND NOW THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING in it for them they're willing to sell me some of them back for some child support. This is disgusting to me, and I can't help but feel that justice must come first. I after all am not the one that created this situation... they did. Another analogy...

If you were mailed 10,000 shares of AIG 13 years ago unbeknownst to you and your neighbor found them in your mailbox and substotuted his name for yours and took them. Built a good life, bought a mansion and lived exhuberantly... would he now be justified to come to you to pay off their debts. After all they were "your" shares.

I know that if I fight and win (a hard battle) it will be hard on my daughter (if in gact she is). By it is not me that created this injustice for her. It's likey that as a child she will not understand anything other than the percieved unfairness to her... and hate me for it. But this is not my doing.

Praying for the answers to come. I don't wish to cause the girl any harm. But I see no way to avoid the effect of what others have already perpetrated on her. The only real remedy I see is to seek justice... real justice. Painful as it might be.

[blazer]

Praying for you!

[B' en Natuf]

Praying for you!Thankyou... prayers are always helpful

[blazer]

Thankyou... prayers are always helpful

Wish I could offer some advice.

[B' en Natuf]

Wish I could offer some advice.I see no good solution, only bad ones. Someone gets hurt no matter what I do. I hate being in this position.

[Dreamy]

14 years ago I was in the Army and stationed in another state. I had been recently divorced and had a brief fling with a woman who shall remain nameless. She told me at the time that she could not have any more children because of a surgery. When it was over it was over. Eventually I was reassigned to a different state and I never heard from her again.

Until recently. I got a call the other day informing me that my daughter was about to celebrate her 13th birthday. A saughter I've never met and a daughter I had no knowledge of. Why she would choose after 14 years to inform me now is kind of perplexing. Why she would choose to tell the girl after all this time calling another man daddy is equally perplexing. Knowing her as I do though, I have an idea... money. I've already submitted to a DNA test which I arranged the day after being told and I'm waiting for results.

This has weighed heavily on me the last few days while I await the results. If she is mine I am torn. My first inclination is to slowly introduce myself into her life and offer the mother some reasonable support. I know her though and she will not be reasonable. My only defense will be to sue for custody. This has several problems.

1. The effect on the child
2. Its another state
3. she's the mother

By all reports the girl has had a good life and her stand in father has been good to her... but so what. This SOB stole a daughters affection from her rightful father for 13 years. He robbed my daughter of a fathers love for 13 years. Who cares how good he's been to her? After all, if a man robbed a bank and gave half the money to the church would you call it a "good work". Does he expect my gratitude? AScrew him... he's a thief.

Between him and the mother they have conspired to deprive me of my parental rights for 13 years. AND NOW THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING in it for them they're willing to sell me some of them back for some child support. This is disgusting to me, and I can't help but feel that justice must come first. I after all am not the one that created this situation... they did. Another analogy...

If you were mailed 10,000 shares of AIG 13 years ago unbeknownst to you and your neighbor found them in your mailbox and substotuted his name for yours and took them. Built a good life, bought a mansion and lived exhuberantly... would he now be justified to come to you to pay off their debts. After all they were "your" shares.

I know that if I fight and win (a hard battle) it will be hard on my daughter (if in gact she is). By it is not me that created this injustice for her. It's likey that as a child she will not understand anything other than the percieved unfairness to her... and hate me for it. But this is not my doing.

Praying for the answers to come. I don't wish to cause the girl any harm. But I see no way to avoid the effect of what others have already perpetrated on her. The only real remedy I see is to seek justice... real justice. Painful as it might be.

These events happen all too often I suspect. I know of one other man in my life this happened to also.

Reading your well written post and your heartfelt feelings had me thinking what a wonderful father you could be for this child if she is for certain your child. Just the concerns you posted show a man who is honorable and caring.


I have no advice except to offer you complete understanding about your anger and sense of injustice. I get so angry when I see adults putting their innocent children in these positions that could have been avoided.

Just a couple of questions:

Are you currently married?
And do you have any children besides this child who may be your own?

I will pray for guidance and wisdom for you good man and for this child no matter who her father is because her mother's judgment and timing are very poor to say the least. Let us know how it goes and if the tests reveal her to be your child she is certainly the child of a decent honorable man it would appear.

[blazer]

I see no good solution, only bad ones. Someone gets hurt no matter what I do. I hate being in this position.

:hug:

[rhet 2]

I see no good solution, only bad ones. Someone gets hurt no matter what I do. I hate being in this position.

What a totally garbage situation to be in.

And you're right: no painless solution possible -- everybody swallows the hurt, especially the girl.

I pray the LORD give you wisdom, compassion, a way of escape to minimize the pain for the innocent, and a plan for a way to move forward toward something positive and healthful for all involved.

[itsrea]

Well, I'm going to be the voice of reason here and suggest that this situation is not too big for God to handle. He can, and will, heal your heart if you let Him. He can and will ease the way into a loving, caring, satifying relationship with your daugther, if you let Him. And he can, and will, help you deal with her mother and step-father, IF you let him.

None of the above probably sounds like solutions you want right now because you are angry and WANT your day at being angry.. but your anger is a wall between you and God and you need that wall down now more then ever before, so you need to start asking God to forgive your anger and replace it with His love.

Little by little there WILL come a time when the anger will HAVE to be set aside in order to protect your daughter. So, I suggest you start here.. come here once a day and post a prayer.. even you don't feel like it post simply a thank you that you have a daughter and ask God to protect her (it's your duty as a parent anyway) - even in your anger God will STILL be listening... and I'm sure the others of us will agreew ith me to be in a agreement with whatever you pray (as long as it's not against the will of God).

The other things are simple.. When and if you start paying child support you can make it a condition of the support that you get some vacation time and some holidays. And you can always drive over/down/whereever for the occasional weekend.

In the meantime you are in my prayers...

Rea

[Seanachie]

14 years ago I was in the Army and stationed in another state. I had been recently divorced and had a brief fling with a woman who shall remain nameless. She told me at the time that she could not have any more children because of a surgery. When it was over it was over. Eventually I was reassigned to a different state and I never heard from her again.

Until recently. I got a call the other day informing me that my daughter was about to celebrate her 13th birthday. A saughter I've never met and a daughter I had no knowledge of. Why she would choose after 14 years to inform me now is kind of perplexing. Why she would choose to tell the girl after all this time calling another man daddy is equally perplexing. Knowing her as I do though, I have an idea... money. I've already submitted to a DNA test which I arranged the day after being told and I'm waiting for results.

This has weighed heavily on me the last few days while I await the results. If she is mine I am torn. My first inclination is to slowly introduce myself into her life and offer the mother some reasonable support. I know her though and she will not be reasonable. My only defense will be to sue for custody. This has several problems.

1. The effect on the child
2. Its another state
3. she's the mother

By all reports the girl has had a good life and her stand in father has been good to her... but so what. This SOB stole a daughters affection from her rightful father for 13 years. He robbed my daughter of a fathers love for 13 years. Who cares how good he's been to her? After all, if a man robbed a bank and gave half the money to the church would you call it a "good work". Does he expect my gratitude? AScrew him... he's a thief.

Between him and the mother they have conspired to deprive me of my parental rights for 13 years. AND NOW THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING in it for them they're willing to sell me some of them back for some child support. This is disgusting to me, and I can't help but feel that justice must come first. I after all am not the one that created this situation... they did. Another analogy...

If you were mailed 10,000 shares of AIG 13 years ago unbeknownst to you and your neighbor found them in your mailbox and substotuted his name for yours and took them. Built a good life, bought a mansion and lived exhuberantly... would he now be justified to come to you to pay off their debts. After all they were "your" shares.

I know that if I fight and win (a hard battle) it will be hard on my daughter (if in gact she is). By it is not me that created this injustice for her. It's likey that as a child she will not understand anything other than the percieved unfairness to her... and hate me for it. But this is not my doing.

Praying for the answers to come. I don't wish to cause the girl any harm. But I see no way to avoid the effect of what others have already perpetrated on her. The only real remedy I see is to seek justice... real justice. Painful as it might be.


"What's done is done...what's won is won....what's lost is lost and gone forever...I can only pray for a bright brand new day".....

The above quote is from an Irish song called 'The Town that I Loved so Well'.

Your anger is very much apparent and may be well justified. If this girl (through the DNA testing) is found to be your Daughter; I can only pray that the Good Lord will send you the guidance needed in doing what is best for this young Lady and what is best to reconcile a life altering event in both of your lives.

Please try to remember that the seeking of 'Righteous Justice" according to your own notion of what that 'Justice', "Painful as it may be" entails; may very well put you in contempt of the Greatest Court of all: GOD'S COURT of Justice where there are no mistakes and the judgments are final.

Please take careful time to think this all through and at least try to look at the situation through the warm caring eyes of a Father and not the furious cold eyes of a very angry Man.

You and this Young Lady are in my prayers to the 'Big Guy' to help you both find a good and peaceful way to welcome the changes that have and will come your ways.

Be well,

Jim

[JenyEliza]

I just spent about two hours carefully crafting a reponse for you. And somehow I managed to hit the wrong sequence of buttons and erase the entire reponse.

As the (single) parent of 14 year old twins, one boy, one girl, I am available via PM to help with any situation that might arise.

All my best to you and your new little bundle of joy! :Hug:

Jeny

[B' en Natuf]

Just a couple of questions:

Are you currently married?
And do you have any children besides this child who may be your own?

I will pray for guidance and wisdom for you good man and for this child no matter who her father is because her mother's judgment and timing are very poor to say the least. Let us know how it goes and if the tests reveal her to be your child she is certainly the child of a decent honorable man it would appear.Thank you for the ind words and thoughts. And to answer your questions. Yes I am currently married and my wife and I have raused five children... two still at home in HS. The first was mine, the other four hers. But I love tem all and in my mind... they are all mine.

[B' en Natuf]

What a totally garbage situation to be in.

And you're right: no painless solution possible -- everybody swallows the hurt, especially the girl.

I pray the LORD give you wisdom, compassion, a way of escape to minimize the pain for the innocent, and a plan for a way to move forward toward something positive and healthful for all involved.Stop it rhett... you're making me misty. Honestly I appreciate whole heartedly the thoughts nd prayers... I'm going to need them. Thankyou.

[B' en Natuf]

Well, I'm going to be the voice of reason here and suggest that this situation is not too big for God to handle. He can, and will, heal your heart if you let Him. He can and will ease the way into a loving, caring, satifying relationship with your daugther, if you let Him. And he can, and will, help you deal with her mother and step-father, IF you let him.The anger though justifiable passed rather quickly. I am concened for the child more than anything. If she is my daughter I intend to have a full and satisfying relationdhip with her.

Little by little there WILL come a time when the anger will HAVE to be set aside in order to protect your daughter. So, I suggest you start here.. come here once a day and post a prayer.. even you don't feel like it post simply a thank you that you have a daughter and ask God to protect her (it's your duty as a parent anyway) - even in your anger God will STILL be listening... the rest of us promise to be in a agreement with whatever you pray.

agreed. The problem here is knowing what to protect her from. Do I protect her from the effect of the fraud that has already been perpetrated on her? Or do I protect her from having to continue to live in its wake? I've always taught my chidren to do the right thing, no matter the cost... how could I fail to do likewise? Problem is, this is not a cost I will bear alone.

The other things are simple.. When and if you start paying child support you can make it a condition of the support that you get some vacation time and some holidays. And you can always drive over/down/whereever for the occasional weekend.

You seem to have skipped right over the "custody" part. BTW visitaton is not conditional on support... IT IS A RIGHT. Don't get me wrong. The easiest thing for the child will be for her mother to be reasonable in her demands.. in which case I can go slow and build a relationship with my daughter (if she is). I fought for and won custody of my first child, and if I have to I will do so again. That to me would be true justice... but at what price? God I pray for a GOOD SOLUTION TO THIS MESS.

In the meantime you are in my prayers...

Reagrats!

[B' en Natuf]

I just spent about two hours carefully crafting a reponse for you. And somehow I managed to hit the wrong sequence of buttons and erase the entire reponse.

As the (single) parent of 14 year old twins, one boy, one girl, I am available via PM to help with any situation that might arise.

All my best to you and your new little bundle of joy! :Hug:

JenyThankyou for the thoughts. Don't be surprised if I do PM you, there are many turns n this road and I can't see around every corner.

[JenyEliza]

B'en,

In terms of your newfound daughter (if indeed tests show she's yours), I want to prepare you for some things that may (or may not) come to pass.

My twins have had very little contact with their father in their lives---their Dad's choice. Consequently, our daughter has a love/hate relatiionship with her father. Many a time she has openly wished him dead in front of me, which puts me in an awkward position of chastising her, becasue I don't allow her to wish *anyone* dead in my presence. Including her Dad. Even though he and I did not have what you would call "an amicable break up", nor has he treated our children the best he possibly could throughout their lives.

It sounds like the Mother is a completely selfish woman. WHY would she keep her child from her father, and then in the most vulerable years (adolescence), reveal that man she *thought* was her father really isn't her father?

THAT is a sadistic and cruel thing for a mother to do to her child--someone she professes to "love".

While I have never personally engaged in "Daddy bashing", because I don't believe in that (no matter what a POS my ex is, and he is *definitely* a POS, I DO NOT bash him), I would not be at all surprised if this girl's mother has engaged in a bit of "Daddy bashing" for sport.

Consequently, don't be surprised if your new daughter is reistant to your efforts to "be her daddy". Don't be surprised if your efforts are met with sarcasm dripping with bloody anger, because YOU are the one she is going to take it out on.

In her mind, it will be "where the hell have you been all my life, and if you actually gave a **** about me or mom, you would have come and found us".

Love her through this. Love her no matter how nasty and hateful she gets and make sure she knows that you will ALWAYS love her JUST BECAUSE SHE IS HER.

This is advise I have given my own ex with regard do our daughter (who is absolutely hatelful to her father, in spite of my disapproval, and inspite of my punishments when she behaves horribly towards him).

Your daughter will be testing you---is Daddy going away again? If I'm SO horrible that he can't stand me, will he take a powder? Let her know there is NOTHING in the world she could ever do that would make you leave her again. Make sure she knows that you feel hurt by all the lost time with her and you don't intend to lose anymore time.

In other words---chase her a bit. Don't over-do it, but make sure she knows you are FIRMLY in her life and you aren't going to bounce in and out of her life. And then CARRY THAT OUT. Don't stand her up. If you make plans with her--keep them. Short of a death in the family or a car wreck, let NOHTHING get in the way of plans you make with this new daughter.

As for custody....go easy there. She's closest to her Mom--no matter how screwed up the Mom seems to be, that is the person who has absolutely been there for her her entire life and looked after her eery need.

Even though you are angry at Mom (rightfully so), make sure you don't trash Mom in front of your new daughter, or all of your hard work to establish a relationship with her will be down the toilet.

Where Mom is concerned, use the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all" in front of your daughter.

She and her Mom are a "team" up to this point, you are an interloper in your daughter's mind. It's up to you to change that and make yourself her "Daddy"---someone she turns to for all things Daddy.

YOU can do it. We can help you.

I would suggest that you find some counseling (maybe through the United Way), to help you absorb the shock and learn more how to incorporate your new daughter into your family and how you can be incorporated into her life. It can be done, but I highly recommend getting some help to do so.

*hug*

Jeny

[rhet 2]

Stop it rhett... you're making me misty. Honestly I appreciate whole heartedly the thoughts nd prayers... I'm going to need them. Thankyou.

I simply pray for the LORD to set right that which is broken and restore what He intended for your lives, to preserve what is pure and clean and wholesome in the lives of my cousins, for we are all created by the Same Hand, to rejoice in the Same Infinite and Perfect ONE Who IS.

Jeny is wise in this type of pain and how to deal with it to restore the balance the LORD intended. And her heart is tender and true. She protects her own from the anger, hurt, and pain that could reach out to destroy her twins' joy in butterflies and rainbows.

But my prayers continue till resolution is found and all are freed to again rejoice in butterflies and rainbows.

And surely there ARE butterflies and rainbows behind the clouds of hurt, butterflies and rainbows you and this little one will yet see together.

:hug:

[B' en Natuf]

B'en,

In terms of your newfound daughter (if indeed tests show she's yours), I want to prepare you for some things that may (or may not) come to pass.

My twins have had very little contact with their father in their lives---their Dad's choice. Consequently, our daughter has a love/hate relatiionship with her father. Many a time she has openly wished him dead in front of me, which puts me in an awkward position of chastising her, becasue I don't allow her to wish *anyone* dead in my presence. Including her Dad. Even though he and I did not have what you would call "an amicable break up", nor has he treated our children the best he possibly could throughout their lives.

It sounds like the Mother is a completely selfish woman. WHY would she keep her child from her father, and then in the most vulerable years (adolescence), reveal that man she *thought* was her father really isn't her father?

THAT is a sadistic and cruel thing for a mother to do to her child--someone she professes to "love".

While I have never personally engaged in "Daddy bashing", because I don't believe in that (no matter what a POS my ex is, and he is *definitely* a POS, I DO NOT bash him), I would not be at all surprised if this girl's mother has engaged in a bit of "Daddy bashing" for sport.

Consequently, don't be surprised if your new daughter is reistant to your efforts to "be her daddy". Don't be surprised if your efforts are met with sarcasm dripping with bloody anger, because YOU are the one she is going to take it out on.

In her mind, it will be "where the hell have you been all my life, and if you actually gave a **** about me or mom, you would have come and found us".

Love her through this. Love her no matter how nasty and hateful she gets and make sure she knows that you will ALWAYS love her JUST BECAUSE SHE IS HER.

This is advise I have given my own ex with regard do our daughter (who is absolutely hatelful to her father, in spite of my disapproval, and inspite of my punishments when she behaves horribly towards him).

Your daughter will be testing you---is Daddy going away again? If I'm SO horrible that he can't stand me, will he take a powder? Let her know there is NOTHING in the world she could ever do that would make you leave her again. Make sure she knows that you feel hurt by all the lost time with her and you don't intend to lose anymore time.

In other words---chase her a bit. Don't over-do it, but make sure she knows you are FIRMLY in her life and you aren't going to bounce in and out of her life. And then CARRY THAT OUT. Don't stand her up. If you make plans with her--keep them. Short of a death in the family or a car wreck, let NOHTHING get in the way of plans you make with this new daughter.

As for custody....go easy there. She's closest to her Mom--no matter how screwed up the Mom seems to be, that is the person who has absolutely been there for her her entire life and looked after her eery need.

Even though you are angry at Mom (rightfully so), make sure you don't trash Mom in front of your new daughter, or all of your hard work to establish a relationship with her will be down the toilet.

Where Mom is concerned, use the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all" in front of your daughter.

She and her Mom are a "team" up to this point, you are an interloper in your daughter's mind. It's up to you to change that and make yourself her "Daddy"---someone she turns to for all things Daddy.

YOU can do it. We can help you.

I would suggest that you find some counseling (maybe through the United Way), to help you absorb the shock and learn more how to incorporate your new daughter into your family and how you can be incorporated into her life. It can be done, but I highly recommend getting some help to do so.

*hug*

JenyEverything you've said is absolutely true and I am no stranger to it. My eldests mother left us long ago. I made it a commitment to insure he never heard me say anything disparaging of her and to make sure that she stayed in his life. Which left to her own devices... she would not have.

If this girl is my daughter I desperately want to do what is right for her. The question to me is in the determination of what is actually right. What is more important for a parent? Our childrens current comfort? or. Our childrens learning the lessons in life they must learn?

Do I allow her to learn that when it comes to your children you must sacrifice justice on the alter of expedience? Or do I allow her to learn that true justice sometimes comes with a price tag you might not want to pay? She is too young for this lesson I believe, but is the alternative any better?

I want to find the best solution for her... but what is it?

[bella-day]

B',

What a tough situation to be presented.

I will not defend the mother of this child for a second. But you did pose a good question...why would she wait so long to divulge the information about the girl's father.

It could be that she has spent the last 13 years trying to pass this other man off as this girl's Dad and the girl never bought it. Thirteen year old girls can be hugely confrontational, particularly with thier Moms. Maybe there has been a showdown between the two of them that resulted in the mother contacting you?

It doesn't make it right of course. But it could very well be the reason.

As to custody? I would take it slowly my friend...for all the reasons Jeny gave you.

If it turns out that this is your daughter, take the time to get to know her. It may not be easy at first but as you know it will be worth your time and effort in the long run.

I don't know that I would blame the man that has been standin Dad all these years. He has most likely tried to do what he thought was best for the girl. Keep in mind, he is inlove with her mother. That alone can cloud the best of judgment. Haven't we all done stupid stuff in the name of love?

I hope this all turns out well for you. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Let the Lord guide you in your decissions regarding everything you have before you.

That's the best advice I can give at the moment.

[B' en Natuf]

B',

What a tough situation to be presented.

I will not defend the mother of this child for a second. But you did pose a good question...why would she wait so long to divulge the information about the girl's father.

It could be that she has spent the last 13 years trying to pass this other man off as this girl's Dad and the girl never bought it. Thirteen year old girls can be hugely confrontational, particularly with thier Moms. Maybe there has been a showdown between the two of them that resulted in the mother contacting you?

It doesn't make it right of course. But it could very well be the reason.

As to custody? I would take it slowly my friend...for all the reasons Jeny gave you.

If it turns out that this is your daughter, take the time to get to know her. It may not be easy at first but as you know it will be worth your time and effort in the long run.

I don't know that I would blame the man that has been standin Dad all these years. He has most likely tried to do what he thought was best for the girl. Keep in mind, he is inlove with her mother. That alone can cloud the best of judgment. Haven't we all done stupid stuff in the name of love?

I hope this all turns out well for you. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Let the Lord guide you in your decissions regarding everything you have before you.

That's the best advice I can give at the moment.Thankyou. Your advice is the best that can be given. I have no idea what the next few weeks or months may bring. But, I despeately want to take the time to insure I am making the right decisions... for the right reasons.

[USMCmom]

B'...

What a tough situation you are in...wish I had some magical advice to offer, but all I can do is keep you all in my prayers!

Stay strong & God Bless

[B' en Natuf]

Please if everyone would say a prayer for the girl who may be my daughter. I want her to come out of this with the best possible outcome... I only hope the lord can guide me through this (with a chain through my nose if neccessary). Whats right for her must come first. Making that determination has been foisted upon me, and it is a cup I cannot pass.

[rhet 2]

Please if everyone would say a prayer for the girl who may be my daughter. I want her to come out of this with the best possible outcome... I only hope the lord can guide me through this (with a chain through my nose if neccessary). Whats right for her must come first. Making that determination has been foisted upon me, and it is a cup I cannot pass.

Amen.

She's been the focus of my prayers all along. And will remain so.

May the LORD make of you a true blessing for her. :pray:

[tocsinia]

May I add, if she is your daughter, she's been raised by two other people.
When the fight gets thick, remember and remember and remember that. Perhaps inside she is really searching for a father. Who knows how they have treated her. Even if she is not your daughter, she will be searching your actions as a man. She's smart enough to judge among the players here. May God grant you wisdom, integrity, self-control and peace.

[breezyjr]

I have not seen it mentioned, but should this girl turn out to be your daughter, you will need a very good attorney. If the mother was ever on any type of State Assistance she signed away her right to child support to the State. Meaning, if she is your child the State will want their money....ALL their money. The State most likely will go after you for ALL back child support. I've seen this before and it is never pretty for the parent owing child support.

This will be very hard on the child as others have mentioned. Try to establish visitation as soon as possible. And, as others have said go by the read of the child but never give up.

I know I'm a noob here but I have lived both sides of divorce, child custody, visitation, and child support for 15 years. I have my three kids and their father was a POS who wanted nothing to do with them. My husband has two kids, who at every turn their mother tries to sabotage any relationship he has with his kids. She isn't winning that battle though, we are and the kids are.

These types of things take alot of strength and I pray for strenght for both you and this little girl. As I said, I know I'm a noob and unknown, but like the other poster you can PM me too. This will get ugly before it is all done.

[bella-day]

Please if everyone would say a prayer for the girl who may be my daughter. I want her to come out of this with the best possible outcome... I only hope the lord can guide me through this (with a chain through my nose if neccessary). Whats right for her must come first. Making that determination has been foisted upon me, and it is a cup I cannot pass.


Spoken like a very caring man.

This girl will be included in my prayers.

[jwil59]

Please if everyone would say a prayer for the girl who may be my daughter. I want her to come out of this with the best possible outcome... I only hope the lord can guide me through this (with a chain through my nose if neccessary). Whats right for her must come first. Making that determination has been foisted upon me, and it is a cup I cannot pass.

yes buddy my prayers for her and you too. I would get the test results before jumping to any conclusions. I dunno what to tell you man, but you and her will be in my prayers.

[JenyEliza]

Everything you've said is absolutely true and I am no stranger to it. My eldests mother left us long ago. I made it a commitment to insure he never heard me say anything disparaging of her and to make sure that she stayed in his life. Which left to her own devices... she would not have.

If this girl is my daughter I desperately want to do what is right for her. The question to me is in the determination of what is actually right. What is more important for a parent? Our childrens current comfort? or. Our childrens learning the lessons in life they must learn?

Do I allow her to learn that when it comes to your children you must sacrifice justice on the alter of expedience? Or do I allow her to learn that true justice sometimes comes with a price tag you might not want to pay? She is too young for this lesson I believe, but is the alternative any better?

I want to find the best solution for her... but what is it?

I believe the "best solution" for your dear daugher is best found in the United Way and God

The answers are there. God will show you the way--if you ask Him to show you the way--and then you allow him to do exactly that.

The United Way has many programs--I'm sure there's one they have designed for families just like yours. They will help you.

Praying for you! :pray:

[ISYairio]

Similar things have happened in my family. My father isn't my father biologically or legally - I found this out at like 10 (also that the biological one and so forth died the day I was born). Both of my sisters come from the one that has assumed the role. One I have only known, albeit barely, for the last couple of years and have no real ties to except through my dad. The other is my half-sister that I have fought with since her birth.

I guess I probably technically have 3 other siblings, all ex-step and all boys (1 through moms re-marriage, 2 through dads re-marriage), since I spent so many years living with them and still think of them as family, albeit distant now. Possibly another coming as well (through dad)...

I pray everything works out for the best for all. Expect very slow progress, at least that is what I can tell from my dad and his "new" daughter.

[birdonawire]

First let me say I am praying very hard for you and the situation. :pray:

Now my advice.

If she is your little girl just start a relationship and go forward.

We cannot change the past so why hang on to it?

She is only thirteen and had NO choice on how her life was lived those choices were made for her.

We cant go back so go forward with God's grace and love.

[blazer]

Praying!