Where to go from here on this....

[Paul-w]

Those "once in a lifetime feelings" - how do you keep them, when keeping them seems so impossible.

So I've met someone new. It's ridiculously new and ridiculously retarded at the same time. We literally have everything in common that needs to be in common +some crazy things that we never thought we'd find another person like.... and just enough differences to make things work out as a whole.

We spent hours upon hours on the phone talking to one another getting to know each other and had no doubt in our minds that we needed to meet one another and see how things would go from there. We both already liked each other (way too much so fast mind you... or so you'd think) and we were incredibly ready incredibly fast to see where this could go.

So this past Friday night, I drive up to see her. She lives 2 1/2 hours away at most. The moment we see each other, we hug and I even pick her up in my arms and we literally have the most amazing night of our lives together. It's indescribable really. We literally "FIT" like two pieces of a puzzle who have been seperated and are now together. It wasn't us meeting for the first time, it was us being reunited almost with something we had been longing for all of our lives. The night is great, it's perfect, it's pure heaven in every shape and form for both of us.

I leave early Saturday to drive back because I have to work ( damn half-day weeks... ugh). We had already decided that we wanted to be together. There was no doubt, it was all there and it was all perfect........ Then it hits. Where she feels she's ready, she's not. I get a message from her saying she's really emotional right now and things just came crashing down.

It turns out the divorce she went through in the last year was from long-term emotional abuse. I mean he literally did everything he could to make her feel worthless, like she was pure nothing. He even used her sexually in the sense that, it was "his way" of expressing his love to her.. and if she rejected him, she didn't love him, etc.. This went on for years... Needless to say this has caused MAJOR trust issues for her on all fronts of things and has made it so I'm being immediately dumped into that friend catagory now. We both feel/felt so strongly for one another and all the connections are there... just she has so much baggage she needs to get over before anything could ever happen. The thing about it is, when she was feeling so like crap on Saturday, I was able to instantly cheer her up and she said no body has ever been able to do that when she has lapses like that and that she was amazed/happy about that. We spent literally 11 hours on the phone talking about everything on Saturday....

I feel so strongly about her. I really do... I've told her how I felt and she knows, but she's just not ready for anything and wants to put me into that "friend" zone...

The connection we have is ridiculous. I have been in a few relationships, even one that lasted for four years and NOTHING has ever felt like this, nothing has ever felt so right... and now it's being ripped away just as quickly as it came. It's a once in a lifetime feeling and I don't want to lose it, yet I don't know what to do.... I know there's nothing I can probably do, other than just back off here and relax and give her the space she needs... I know I've already pushed those boundries some, which doesn't help... but am willing to sit back and wait for her... I just don't know how to approach all of this further. She's amazing, the whole situation is simply amazing... just the past crap is eating away at her inside..... ugh, i so don't know what to do....

[cbut1]

I have found that usually when something is to good to be true and hard to believe ------long----pause----- it usually has a reason for being so. Tread lightly, if for no other reason than to not get yours or her hopes up after such truama.

[TheFallGuy]

Patience.

She needs to go to some therapy. If she's been abused, she needs it. This is to help her learn how to cope with the past issues she's faced. This will help her come out of that nastiness, to blossom and become her real self. That's what she needs, guidance on how to ditch the baggage. I've seen too many people stuck with their emotional baggage when they need to let it go, but don't know how. The therapists are trained to help overcome this. If she's not seeing a therapist, gently, but firmly get her to go to one, one she'll be able to trust. He'll help her ditch the baggage.

Be there for her. Let her know that no matter what, you love her for who she is.

We'll pray for you.

[jwil59]

Give her the space she needs bro. If it is meant to be then it will be.

I am praying for you on this

[blazer]

I will pray for you about this. I know it is hard but friendship is better than nothing. Take it slow and she will come around. :hug:

[Dreamy]

She is not use to these new "good" feelings Paul. It all hit her quickly. And you too. I think time and patience will make a world of a difference. Give her time and be patient. The last thing she needs is undo pressure. Good luck and my prayers will be for you both.

[BasicGreatGuy]

She is not use to these new "good" feelings Paul. It all hit her quickly. And you too. I think time and patience will make a world of a difference. Give her time and be patient. The last thing she needs is undo pressure. Good luck and my prayers will be for you both.

Dreamybrat made an excellent point Paul.

Paul,
Has your lady friend ever truly been on her own, for any length of time, without dating anyone, or being in any kind of relationship? If she has only been divorced a year, and has been most of her adult life in controlling relationships of one form or another, she may not even know who she is, or what she truly wants and needs in life, apart from any relationship. Direction in life, and peace in one's soul, takes time and work, especially after what she has gone through.

As hard as it may for you, I suggest you tread very lightly here. If you and your lady friend don't tread lightly, you might find yourselves in a relationship of some kind, that is fraught with the barbs of unresolved issues coming up for you and her, whether you realize it or not.

You two may be on an "emotional high" right now, but as you know, it takes a lot more than "chemistry," to make a solid relationship.

At times, the song of our soul can overwhelm us, without us realizing it. When that happens, we are apt to do one of two things ( generally speaking ). We either turn away from that which makes us the happiest inside ourselves, for whatever reason(s), or we allow ourselves to be consumed by that wonderful melody, and we get out of balance inside ourselves, and with others. Both scenarios are painful. Both scenarios happen to all of us, at one time or another. How we handle these kind of scenarios, is the determining factor in ourselves, and our relationships with other people.

The last thing the both of you want, is to be the "savior" of one another. Relationships, in whatever form they may be, are not about our inner salvation. They are about our inward release. Relationships should not make us who we are. They should enhance who we already are as individuals. If we don't know who we are, and what we want for ourselves and in our life, it is impossible for us to have balanced and meaningful relationships with others, regardless of whether or not they are of a romantic nature.

The best thing you can do at this moment in time, is be the best friend you can be to yourself, and to her. Friendship with the proper balance, is very important.

Your lady friend has shown you a big red flag Paul. She has let you know, that she is in a state of flux. She is confused. She is seeking answers from within, as well as from without. She has let you know, that for whatever reason, she is not ready to travel the same path you are right now. That may change. Only time and work on both your parts as friends, will tell the tale.

[itsrea]

Dreamy and BGG are both right..

Dreamy cause she points out that what your lady friend experienced scared her - she's learned when you love you have to trust, and look where trusting got her LAST time.

Bgg cause essentially what's he's saying (if he doesn't mind me rephrasing) is that she doesn't HAVE a WHOLE person to offer you. She needs time to heal, time to become confidant, and then time to be friends..

And after a great 28 years with Aubrey before he died, and now eight years with Rick, I'm here to tell you that friendship is THEE most important component in a relationship because those times when you don't feel loving or feel like loving that friendship will hold you together and will keep you together.

You have the rest of your lives - give her the room she needs and let your friendship grow - if it's meant to be a solid friendship can only be a good thing to add to love.

And coming from a first marriage (Aubrey was my second husband) that was abusive I'm here to tell you that FallGuy is right.. she needs some professional help - her husband taught her to be a failure, a professional can teach her to be a success.

And I don't know if you do.. but (this is JUST a suggestion) if you feel as strongly for her as you think you do, consider praying and fellowship - having spent my married life sharing our faith, and now with Rick, sharing our faith, I'm here to tell you that it adds a dimension of trust and loving kindness that you just can't get any other way.

[rhet 2]

Dreamy and BGG are both right..

Dreamy cause she points out that what your lady friend experienced scared her - she's learned when you love you have to trust, and look where trusting got her LAST time.

Bgg cause essentially what's he's saying (if he doesn't mind me rephrasing) is that she doesn't HAVE a WHOLE person to offer you. She needs time to heal, time to become confidant, and then time to be friends..

And after a great 28 years with Aubrey before he died, and now eight years with Rick, I'm here to tell you that friendship is THEE most important component in a relationship because those times when you don't feel loving or feel like loving that friendship will hold you together and will keep you together.

You have the rest of your lives - give her the room she needs and let your friendship grow - if it's meant to be a solid friendship can only be a good thing to add to love.

And coming from a first marriage (Aubrey was my second husband) that was abusive I'm here to tell you that FallGuy is right.. she needs some professional help - her husband taught her to be a failure, a professional can teach her to be a success.

And I don't know if you do.. but (this is JUST a suggestion) if you feel as strongly for her as you think you do, consider praying and fellowship - having spent my married life sharing our faith, and now with Rick, sharing our faith, I'm here to tell you that it adds a dimension of trust and loving kindness that you just can't get any other way.

Again, you speak with great wisdom.

It was our mutual faith in the LORD that saw the Bear Who Cuddles and his Mashmallow through 37 years of tough tough tough -- and we're more locked to each other than ever -- bound heart and mind before all else. He is my brother, my friend, my heart's companion in all things.

[Paul-w]

Thanks for all the advice.

I know you all are right here. It's all just so hard. I mean to find this feeling, this connection, and then to have it ripped away just as quickly as it came leaves one with their jaw dropped wide open if you know what I mean.... I feel rather lost to be honest with it all...

The thing is, even with all the things she's been through, she's so amazing still and stable pretty much otherwise. She's a fulltime paramedic, she trains horses and mini's in her off time, and just is an overall great person... It's just on the personal relationships side of things, she's been really bruised....

She's not in therapy that I know of, which maybe she should be in. I Mean her marriage/relationship lasted for the last part of her youth and all of her adult life so far.. She's 25.... so yeah.

Never in my life have I ever met someone so amazing, so well that I feel like the idea of a future doesn't scare the hell out of me. Pure comfort on all levels like I've never been comfortable around someone before. Be it mental, be it phyiscal, be it whatever... It's so amazing and so scary and not at the same time.....

[Paul-w]

sad part of it all being..... this whole thing has made me feel used/worthless......... *sigh*:(

all was perfect a week ago tonight.

[blazer]

:hug:

[jwil59]

sad part of it all being..... this whole thing has made me feel used/worthless......... *sigh*:(

all was perfect a week ago tonight.

How are you doing paul? Hang tough bro