Let me get everyone's opinion on this....

[PredFan]

Handling my 13 year old stepdaughter.

Background:

I raised three daughters, got divorced and married a woman who had two daughters. The oldest step daughter is 13 and the youngest is 10.
Margot, the 13 year old, was caught by her mom a few months ago, texting a boy after she was supposed to be sleeping. (I shared this story with the forum a while back but don't know ehere it went) The boy is 15, goes to a different school but lives in the neighborhood of Margot's best friend from school. My wife, Margot's mother, went through the text messages and read some very frightening stuff. Very adult oriented.

We did the usual things, we took her phone, forbid her to talk to him and put her on restriction. The following week we hear more. There was a rumor going around her private school that she was pregnant. This I knew wasn't true since Margot never gets out of our sight much.

To try to shorten this story a bit, we resolved the situation, Margot quit contacting the boys and we hear he's "dating" a younger woman (12 years old) at some other school.

Unfortunately, the deceptions have continued, Margot set up a MySpace page without our permission. She was restricted from that. And she found where we put her phone, which she is still restricted from, and was using it again. This time she had it locked and we couldn't access it. When we demanded she unlock it she claimed, and still claims that she can't remember the password. We know it's a lie.

Now the latest:

My wife's business cell phone went missing yesterday. Margot claims she didn't take it. Of course, she's not to be trusted. After school today,we searched her school backpack and my wife searched her person and didn't find it. Earlier tonight, I called the phone from a work number here at the hospital and someone picked up but said nothing and hung up. I called my wife at home, she went into Margot's room and found her with the phone.

My wife and I talked about a plan of action. It'll be an on-going process I'm sure.

I thought it would be interesting to hear other opinions on this.

[TheFallGuy]

Handling my 13 year old stepdaughter.

Background:

I raised three daughters, got divorced and married a woman who had two daughters. The oldest step daughter is 13 and the youngest is 10.
Margot, the 13 year old, was caught by her mom a few months ago, texting a boy after she was supposed to be sleeping. (I shared this story with the forum a while back but don't know ehere it went) The boy is 15, goes to a different school but lives in the neighborhood of Margot's best friend from school. My wife, Margot's mother, went through the text messages and read some very frightening stuff. Very adult oriented.

We did the usual things, we took her phone, forbid her to talk to him and put her on restriction. The following week we hear more. There was a rumor going around her private school that she was pregnant. This I knew wasn't true since Margot never gets out of our sight much.

To try to shorten this story a bit, we resolved the situation, Margot quit contacting the boys and we hear he's "dating" a younger woman (12 years old) at some other school.

Unfortunately, the deceptions have continued, Margot set up a MySpace page without our permission. She was restricted from that. And she found where we put her phone, which she is still restricted from, and was using it again. This time she had it locked and we couldn't access it. When we demanded she unlock it she claimed, and still claims that she can't remember the password. We know it's a lie.

Now the latest:

My wife's business cell phone went missing yesterday. Margot claims she didn't take it. Of course, she's not to be trusted. After school today,we searched her school backpack and my wife searched her person and didn't find it. Earlier tonight, I called the phone from a work number here at the hospital and someone picked up but said nothing and hung up. I called my wife at home, she went into Margot's room and found her with the phone.

My wife and I talked about a plan of action. It'll be an on-going process I'm sure.

I thought it would be interesting to hear other opinions on this.

:eek: And I'm hoping I get a daughter?????!!!! :eek:

My prayers go out to you.

I'm new at the parenting thing and stories like this scare the crap out of me. So, I'm interested too on how to resolve a situation like this.

But, I'll throw this out there. Have you ever heard of the Total Behavior Transformation (http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/)? I'm not sure if it works, or if it is effective. Has anybody seen this or know of it?


Putting myself in your shoes, I'd want to know what was the source of her bad behavior. Why is she acting out? Is this a sudden onset? Could she be testing boundaries?

Either that or send her to military school. I don't know, man. I'm at a loss. Like I said, I'll pray for you.

[PredFan]

Don't worry my friend. I have raised three daughters before and they are all fine.

But, I'll throw this out there. Have you ever heard of the Total Behavior Transformation (http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/)? I'm not sure if it works, or if it is effective. Has anybody seen this or know of it?

Yes, i have. I'm skeptical. I know teenagers can be very sly and can usually fake this stuff.

Putting myself in your shoes, I'd want to know what was the source of her bad behavior. Why is she acting out? Is this a sudden onset? Could she be testing boundaries?

Her mom says it's her father. He seemed to reject her when she was young. IMO, that could be true, he's kind of an immature and selfish person. OTOH, I can't rule out peer pressure and normal teenaged defiance.

Either that or send her to military school. I don't know, man. I'm at a loss. Like I said, I'll pray for you.

The problem I have right now is that I came into the picture too late. If you raise your daughter or son, from an infant and you do it right, even that's no gaurantee, but usually it'll turn out better. trying to change a kid's attitude at 13 is difficult.

Not impossible though.

[peter45]

My opinion, which you may not want to hear, is that you should provide her with birth control protection.

Yes, it is too late to change her, and you are seeing her rebel. If you accept her behavior as the way things are going to be, you may save her from a major lifetime mistake.

Accepting is not condoning.
But accepting what she is liable to do may allow you to speak to her as an adult, and warn her as an adult.

And no, even providing birth control didn’t prevent the young person that I know of from becoming a mother too early. But, I have no idea what else the parents should have done.
All the signs were there from the time she was 13. She made it to 17 before she became a mommy.

[USMCmom]

Pred...
I do not envy you at all....but that being said I raised my niece (she came to live with me when she was 11) who is now 16. Granted I don't have all that much experience with girls as I have 4 boys, but this is what I did. She was going through that stage and I was at my wits end on how to get a handle on it.

First thing that I did was take away EVERYTHING (even her bedroom door) and then she had to earn all those priviledges back, including her privacy. I put the computer in the kitchen and installed a program that tells me who she talked to and what was said. I purchased a cell phone that would allow me to set the hours she could use it. I took her to and from school. She was allowed to have friends over (boys & girls), but wasn't allowed to go to her friends and if she wanted to go do something with her friends then I went or one of her cousins went...she hated that!

When we sat down and talked I let her talk first, she told me everything that she was thinking (or some of it) then I talked and explained to her what was going to happen. I also told her that if this behavior continued she would be put in a military school!!!

I also tried to learn what she was interested in and made sure that she always had something to do. She had very little free time...but getting her involved with activities different than what she was normally used to made a HUGE difference. She made some new friends and found that she just didn't have time for all the games that some boys play! By treating her more like an adult, she began to act more grown up. It didn't take her long to see how much drama was involved when you get a boyfriend....

But more than anything I just loved her...just like she was my own child. I didn't hold her mistakes against her and when she knew she could trust me to talk about anything-she did. I worked hard to get her to that point and now that she is back with her mother, I am the one she calls when she needs help or has a problem.

I am not the perfect parent, but she wasn't the perfect kid either. Another thing that helped was to show her the consequences for getting pregnant, drinking or doing drugs. We found some very graphic and heartbreaking sites that seemed to really get her attention.

It is obvious that you love and care for her...sometimes you just have to go with your gut instinct. More importantly I would pray, that is what does and is still guiding me through raising kids is prayer.

Good Luck and I will keep you all in my prayers...

[TheFallGuy]

Pred...
I do not envy you at all....but that being said I raised my niece (she came to live with me when she was 11) who is now 16. Granted I don't have all that much experience with girls as I have 4 boys, but this is what I did. She was going through that stage and I was at my wits end on how to get a handle on it.

First thing that I did was take away EVERYTHING (even her bedroom door) and then she had to earn all those priviledges back, including her privacy. I put the computer in the kitchen and installed a program that tells me who she talked to and what was said. I purchased a cell phone that would allow me to set the hours she could use it. I took her to and from school. She was allowed to have friends over (boys & girls), but wasn't allowed to go to her friends and if she wanted to go do something with her friends then I went or one of her cousins went...she hated that!
I spoke with my wife about Pred's story and this is one route she recommended--take away what is important to her. This serves as a punishment and instills that rights and privileges are earned. Sometimes that can be really harsh, but some behaviors call for it.
When we sat down and talked I let her talk first, she told me everything that she was thinking (or some of it) then I talked and explained to her what was going to happen. I also told her that if this behavior continued she would be put in a military school!!!
Communication!!!!! Love it! Learn it! Apply it! Most relationships (including marriage) fail due to a lack of communication or due to miscommunication. I would rate it as the single most leading cause of divorce. (Money and infidelity/sex issues arise from lack of communication.)

As a side story, growing up we lived not too far from juvi hall. My parents would drive past there on the way back from grandma's and say "That's where we're going to send you." :))
I also tried to learn what she was interested in and made sure that she always had something to do. She had very little free time...but getting her involved with activities different than what she was normally used to made a HUGE difference. She made some new friends and found that she just didn't have time for all the games that some boys play! By treating her more like an adult, she began to act more grown up. It didn't take her long to see how much drama was involved when you get a boyfriend....
As I was thinking about Pred's story this morning, something similar came to mind. During my teen years, I was going through a difficult time with school and the kids there. The 'good' kids were *******s and I didn't want anything to do with them, so I hung out with other kids. In retrospect, I can see that I would have gone down the road to alcohol and possibly drug abuse. But, my parents moved across state to a little podunk town. I was removed from the situation and put into a new one. Something similar happened to my little brother. His middle school principle was a **** and would ride my little brother like no other. When my little brother went to HS, he turned himself around, and then the MS principle became the HS principle and started telling all the teachers my little brother was terrible and that if he did anything to immediately report him. My mom went in like a rabid wolverine and had to threaten a lawsuit in front of the superintendent before the principle got it through his thick skull not to mess with my mom. (She would have followed through.)

I guess the short of it, would be to remove her from the existing circumstances and put her in a foreign one, where she is taken out of her bad habits. Change cities, change schools, if possible. That's radical, but if it's a last resort.... Change the situation. Get her involved in something new. New friends, new activities.
But more than anything I just loved her...just like she was my own child. I didn't hold her mistakes against her and when she knew she could trust me to talk about anything-she did. I worked hard to get her to that point and now that she is back with her mother, I am the one she calls when she needs help or has a problem.
That's a key point, too. Love her regardless of what she does. But I'm sure you do that already.
I am not the perfect parent, but she wasn't the perfect kid either. Another thing that helped was to show her the consequences for getting pregnant, drinking or doing drugs. We found some very graphic and heartbreaking sites that seemed to really get her attention.
That thought went through my head too. Maybe take her to the slums with the welfare mothers who sit out on the porch all day on their 3rd or 4th pack of cigarettes, sitting there with the dazed, vapid looks on their faces. Point out that the statistics show that getting pregnant while in your teens tends to keep you in the poor house. Then drive past the rich neighborhoods and ask which would be her ultimate goal.

Have her set goals for what she wants to do.
It is obvious that you love and care for her...sometimes you just have to go with your gut instinct. More importantly I would pray, that is what does and is still guiding me through raising kids is prayer.

Good Luck and I will keep you all in my prayers...

USMCmom has some great experience and advice. It's got my wheels turning to see what I would do.

Another thing I was thinking of was to give her responsibility. Put her in charge of something and hold her responsible for it. Then add to that responsibility and reward her for doing well. Sometimes that's all a child needs. It gives them a sense of self-worth and accomplishment. Put yourself in her shoes.

Most importantly communicate with her. Tell her your expectations and your beliefs. Ask for hers. Ask what she wants. Communicate.

I know I said I was at a loss. But after thought and prayer, these things came to mind. I hope it helps, Pred.

Edit to add:
Another thing I forgot. I grew up in a household where dating was not allowed until I was 16, no ifs ands or buts. I think that was good strategery by my folks. Helped minimize and or eliminate the whole dating drama until we were a little more emotionally stable.

[TheFallGuy]

Don't worry my friend. I have raised three daughters before and they are all fine.
It's the scary stories that make me go :eek: !!! :D
Her mom says it's her father. He seemed to reject her when she was young. IMO, that could be true, he's kind of an immature and selfish person. OTOH, I can't rule out peer pressure and normal teenaged defiance.
Get her to talk about it. Maybe she needs an open ear. Love her as much as you can.
The problem I have right now is that I came into the picture too late. If you raise your daughter or son, from an infant and you do it right, even that's no gaurantee, but usually it'll turn out better. trying to change a kid's attitude at 13 is difficult.

Not impossible though.
I'm going to disagree with you. I don't think you came in too late. There's never such a thing, unless she's dead. It may be difficult, but worth it. It'll take a little more time and patience, but you can still work with her. Just look at USMCmom's story.

You may be coming in at the right time. The Lord puts us where He wants us, when He wants us. I don't accept defeatist attitudes, and neither should you.

Gonna keep you in my prayers.

[jwil59]

I agree with Fall Guy, start by taking away stuff that is important to her. It tough knowing if some of these things are just teenagers being teenagers or willfull defiance. Since she took Mom's phone, looks like she is bucking you two. He mentioned taking the door, well darlene did that to our oldest once. His girlfriend was comming over and they were going in his room and locking the door. After he was told to stop he kept taking her in there and closing the door. The next day when they both came over, the door was completely off the hinges and store in another room.

It's hard to say cause all kids are different my friend. I am praying for you and your wife. Please keep us updated on this so we will know exactly how to pray for you guys.

[PredFan]

My opinion, which you may not want to hear, is that you should provide her with birth control protection.

Yes, it is too late to change her, and you are seeing her rebel. If you accept her behavior as the way things are going to be, you may save her from a major lifetime mistake.

Accepting is not condoning.
But accepting what she is liable to do may allow you to speak to her as an adult, and warn her as an adult.

And no, even providing birth control didn’t prevent the young person that I know of from becoming a mother too early. But, I have no idea what else the parents should have done.
All the signs were there from the time she was 13. She made it to 17 before she became a mommy.

I understand, and birth control pills are an option, down the road. She's 13 and easy to keep under watch.

[PredFan]

Pred...
I do not envy you at all....but that being said I raised my niece (she came to live with me when she was 11) who is now 16. Granted I don't have all that much experience with girls as I have 4 boys, but this is what I did. She was going through that stage and I was at my wits end on how to get a handle on it.

First thing that I did was take away EVERYTHING (even her bedroom door) and then she had to earn all those priviledges back, including her privacy. I put the computer in the kitchen and installed a program that tells me who she talked to and what was said. I purchased a cell phone that would allow me to set the hours she could use it. I took her to and from school. She was allowed to have friends over (boys & girls), but wasn't allowed to go to her friends and if she wanted to go do something with her friends then I went or one of her cousins went...she hated that!

When we sat down and talked I let her talk first, she told me everything that she was thinking (or some of it) then I talked and explained to her what was going to happen. I also told her that if this behavior continued she would be put in a military school!!!

I also tried to learn what she was interested in and made sure that she always had something to do. She had very little free time...but getting her involved with activities different than what she was normally used to made a HUGE difference. She made some new friends and found that she just didn't have time for all the games that some boys play! By treating her more like an adult, she began to act more grown up. It didn't take her long to see how much drama was involved when you get a boyfriend....

But more than anything I just loved her...just like she was my own child. I didn't hold her mistakes against her and when she knew she could trust me to talk about anything-she did. I worked hard to get her to that point and now that she is back with her mother, I am the one she calls when she needs help or has a problem.

I am not the perfect parent, but she wasn't the perfect kid either. Another thing that helped was to show her the consequences for getting pregnant, drinking or doing drugs. We found some very graphic and heartbreaking sites that seemed to really get her attention.

It is obvious that you love and care for her...sometimes you just have to go with your gut instinct. More importantly I would pray, that is what does and is still guiding me through raising kids is prayer.

Good Luck and I will keep you all in my prayers...

That's very similar to what we;re doing now. Thanks

[PredFan]

I spoke with my wife about Pred's story and this is one route she recommended--take away what is important to her. This serves as a punishment and instills that rights and privileges are earned. Sometimes that can be really harsh, but some behaviors call for it.

Oh yeah. She has nothing at the moment. No phone, no A.I.M., no computer. She's kind of like on Gilligan's Island. We told her that she's turned us into jailors. She needs to work on the "time off foor good behavior".

Communication!!!!! Love it! Learn it! Apply it! Most relationships (including marriage) fail due to a lack of communication or due to miscommunication. I would rate it as the single most leading cause of divorce. (Money and infidelity/sex issues arise from lack of communication.)

The thing that upsets her mother so much is that they did talk. Margot did express her feelings and my wife thought good progress was made. It was just an act to get it all over with IMO. I didn't mention that she's a pretty good actress. Is in the school plays.



As I was thinking about Pred's story this morning, something similar came to mind. During my teen years, I was going through a difficult time with school and the kids there. The 'good' kids were *******s and I didn't want anything to do with them, so I hung out with other kids. In retrospect, I can see that I would have gone down the road to alcohol and possibly drug abuse. But, my parents moved across state to a little podunk town. I was removed from the situation and put into a new one. Something similar happened to my little brother. His middle school principle was a **** and would ride my little brother like no other. When my little brother went to HS, he turned himself around, and then the MS principle became the HS principle and started telling all the teachers my little brother was terrible and that if he did anything to immediately report him. My mom went in like a rabid wolverine and had to threaten a lawsuit in front of the superintendent before the principle got it through his thick skull not to mess with my mom. (She would have followed through.)

I guess the short of it, would be to remove her from the existing circumstances and put her in a foreign one, where she is taken out of her bad habits. Change cities, change schools, if possible. That's radical, but if it's a last resort.... Change the situation. Get her involved in something new. New friends, new activities.

Unfortunately that isn't an option atm. The only way to remove her is to keep her under careful watch.


Maybe take her to the slums with the welfare mothers who sit out on the porch all day on their 3rd or 4th pack of cigarettes, sitting there with the dazed, vapid looks on their faces. Point out that the statistics show that getting pregnant while in your teens tends to keep you in the poor house. Then drive past the rich neighborhoods and ask which would be her ultimate goal.

My wife is going to take her to someplace similar, in addition to a shelter for unwed teen moms. Evidently, they still exist.


Another thing I was thinking of was to give her responsibility. Put her in charge of something and hold her responsible for it. Then add to that responsibility and reward her for doing well. Sometimes that's all a child needs. It gives them a sense of self-worth and accomplishment. Put yourself in her shoes.

Good idea.

Another thing I forgot. I grew up in a household where dating was not allowed until I was 16, no ifs ands or buts. I think that was good strategery by my folks. Helped minimize and or eliminate the whole dating drama until we were a little more emotionally stable.

Same here.


As I stated, we have a plan. I believe it's sound. Much of it has been supported here. I just wanted, and still welcome, comments.

[PredFan]

I'm going to disagree with you. I don't think you came in too late. There's never such a thing, unless she's dead. It may be difficult, but worth it. It'll take a little more time and patience, but you can still work with her. Just look at USMCmom's story.

I'm working hard to make you correct.

[PredFan]

I agree with Fall Guy, start by taking away stuff that is important to her. It tough knowing if some of these things are just teenagers being teenagers or willfull defiance. Since she took Mom's phone, looks like she is bucking you two. He mentioned taking the door, well darlene did that to our oldest once. His girlfriend was comming over and they were going in his room and locking the door. After he was told to stop he kept taking her in there and closing the door. The next day when they both came over, the door was completely off the hinges and store in another room.

It's hard to say cause all kids are different my friend. I am praying for you and your wife. Please keep us updated on this so we will know exactly how to pray for you guys.

Thanks.

[EmmanuelGoldstein]

http://www.komando.com/

Don't know if you've ever listened to her, but she has great advice on how to limit kids' computer and other tech-device usage.

[Rhonda]

Pred, I hope this will help.

You probably already employ this in your parenting...but you need the help of her friends parents as well

But I am of the opinion that many times we do not know our children's friends AND their parents.

I believe that is key to come together with your childrens friends parents...have a plan of action when their children visit your home and visa versa when your daughter visits theirs.

Find out what they allow in their home...if it does not meet your approval, then be firm that your daughter does not have contact with that friend

I know that will be a tough one for your daughter to swallow, but she is very impressionable at this age and it is indeed when she is learning boundaries, as to what is acceptable, and will eventually cause her to be a person of character, rather than a person who needs tons of friends to feel important...(which is what this age of myspace , texting, internet buddies, ect...does to our children.

I know her being your "step daughter" in her mind may play a role in how she percieves your authority..she needs to understand that you love her as your own and that is why you are making rules to protect her from bad decision making

Tough being a parent today..prayers for you and yours :pray:

A book that may help is here
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-No-Inspirio-Zondervan-Miniature/dp/0762421029/ref=sr_11_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1235745161&sr=11-1

[rhet 2]

http://www.komando.com/

Don't know if you've ever listened to her, but she has great advice on how to limit kids' computer and other tech-device usage.

I've been reading the and praying about this situation.

That is a superior source, one my daughter's using to help her with her own pubescent sons.

Everyone has spoken with such wisdom, it's hard to know what else to add, except this:

the child is terrified -- she hates herself as much as she hates mom and dad -- ditto Mitch -- teenagers always do -- they're not kids and they're not adults and they don't know who they are and where they're going anymore -- they know they have to grow up and be independent adults and they want that very much -- but they don't know HOW to grow up and be adults.

when they're babies, they bond to MOM -- source of dry diapers, warm snuggles, and FOOD

when they're toddlers, the bond to DAD -- the magnificent, the powerful, the worker of MAGIC

when they start school, they bond to the opposite gender -- boys bond and actually identify with Mom, yet they imitate Dad -- you see boys defend mom with all the fury they've got -- she's perfect -- but they do things, say things that come straight out of dad's example -- and girls think dad hung the moon, yet every action and reaction, right down to their speech patterns are an imitation of mom

then puberty trashes their entire psychological self-perception -- adult bodies, adult emotions, controlled by 8 year old brains, AT THE EXACT TIME THEY MUST GROW INTO INDEPENDENT ADULTS who are DIFFERENT than mom and NOT DAD

Role models become the kids they encounter socially at school -- and encounter in Holly Freaking Weird tv and movies -- and encounter on Internet blob sites. And even their best friend at school isn't real -- an IMAGINED being, created out of bits and pieces perceived about the real person -- and a lot that's purely imaginary built up in their own heads

Instead of needing Mom's approval (boy fixation) and Dad's approval (girl fixation) -- they begin to FIGHT AGAINST their former parental role model -- girls actually try to be the exact opposite of mom -- and boys struggle to be the exact opposite of dad -- and they rely on peer approval -- they could be exactly like so and so at school, so and so who plays professional sports, this actress or that actor who was SO COOL in such and such a movie -- imaginary people built up out of bits and pieces of the real person and a whole lot of pure romantic wishful thinking in their own heads

And, when they've chosen the wrong model for their behavior -- or even worse, have none at all, nothing but REJECT MOM and REJECT DAD -- they've got trouble in spades -- and worst of all, they KNOW their behavior is wrong -- the values they learned as kids imitating mom or dad are still there, eating them alive inside their own consciences, which they're doing their level best to stomp down and deny in order to BE DIFFERENT, in order to become NOT MOM and NOT DAD -- and that throws them into even greater turmoil, including total loss of emotional control, resulting in shouting and screaming and yelling -- and even physical violence, including throwing stuff, even literal physical fights

So, dealing with teenagers becomes a vicious tightrope dance between restricting destructive behaviors and giving them room to experiment with different values, different possible self-identities, SELF-controls until they find the one that works and lets them be both MOM and NOT MOM at one and the same time.

The one thing my parents did for me and my older brother -- and didn't do for my younger siblings -- was ASK US what we'd done and why such and such a behavior was destructive to ourselves and to others -- -- we'd get a "summons" to face them at the kitchen table, side by side, mom's hands folded on the table, dad's arms crossed over his chest -- never raise their voices, never shout, never let us see them angry -- and ASK "do you know why we need to talk?" And then wait for me to name off a whole list of things, working up to the one I really hoped they didn't know about -- then ASK why that behavior was wrong and what we should have done instead -- and then ASK why we'd done it (usually just because I didn't use my brain and think about it before I did it because I didn't WANT to say No to myself) -- and then ASK 1) what would help me learn not to do the same in the future and 2) how I intended to make up for the damage I'd done to others (often mom and dad, the entire family, but neighbors, too) -- and THAT is the part that bit hardest, knowing I'd caused major malfunctions to the family, especially those two people sitting there so calm and loving and kind -- and UNMOVEABLE -- like ROCKS -- and me like water trying to move rocks out of my way, make them back off and ignore what I WANTED to do and KNEW good and well was stupid.

Trying ASKING the poor love WHY she took Mom's cell phone, WHY that was damaging to Mom -- and how she's going to repair the damage she did, how she's going to learn never to do it again

Instead of just smashing down her bid for independence, let her take control of her own learning NOT to do so in future -- get her to suggest NO TV, etc. -- and, believe me, my parents never took less than an honest 100% REAL suggestion -- and I didn't either from my own four daughters -- had to be a REAL punishment, a REAL restitution, a REAL hard lessoning in why next time to stop and think about the damage I might be doing to somebody else as well as myself

-- but my own parents let me and then my husband and I let our teenagers set those terms themselves, identify the cause and effect damage they'd done first, then identify means of restitution and repair and learning for the future

-- and that gave them the sense of control and independent decision making they needed to foster actual adult independence staring them in the face -- it taught me, anyway, to stop and think about consequences in the future IF I did this or didn't do that

that and controlling peer group not-parental influences like tv and the internet and "friends" at school did a lot to ease the conflicts

and letting the kids see that I was amused by their dumbass antics -- that I actually expected them to try some such STUPID idiocy and was fully NOT BENT over their dumb stunt -- "don't make mama cry" and not making dad, arms cross, shake his head and comment "DUMB kid" -- man, those two motives sure stopped me from making several stupid mistakes -- I REALLY hated that "DUMB kid" look on Daddy's face -- I still see him sitting there, arms crossed, and he'd sort of duck his head down and to the side, like somebody had just sort of hit him lightly on the jaw -- a sort of throw away movement -- and the thought of that still influences a lot of my decision making -- and I can still see that sad look in Mama's eyes -- I still want to make them proud of me, not ashamed -- and I'm 60 years old, for pity's sake.

Thing is, a teenager hates HIM OR HERSELF more than they hate mom and dad -- and that self-rejection is expressed by attacking whatever wall stands between them and this IMAGINARY other Self they want very much to be instead of who they really are.

And a huge part of parenting a teenager is helping the kid learn to accept ME MYSELF AND I as is -- and reject that Imaginary Being they're trying to become -- to realize that the Imaginary Self is actually destructive and shameful while the Real Self isn't perfect but hugely better than the imaginary one -- to be proud of themselves AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW in reality -- and reject the Role Model that is leading them into self-destructive behaviors -- so that they seek SELF Approval instead of Peer Approval to validate their souls.

[Cutiepie]

Handling my 13 year old stepdaughter.

Background:

I raised three daughters, got divorced and married a woman who had two daughters. The oldest step daughter is 13 and the youngest is 10.
Margot, the 13 year old, was caught by her mom a few months ago, texting a boy after she was supposed to be sleeping. (I shared this story with the forum a while back but don't know ehere it went) The boy is 15, goes to a different school but lives in the neighborhood of Margot's best friend from school. My wife, Margot's mother, went through the text messages and read some very frightening stuff. Very adult oriented.

We did the usual things, we took her phone, forbid her to talk to him and put her on restriction. The following week we hear more. There was a rumor going around her private school that she was pregnant. This I knew wasn't true since Margot never gets out of our sight much.

To try to shorten this story a bit, we resolved the situation, Margot quit contacting the boys and we hear he's "dating" a younger woman (12 years old) at some other school.

Unfortunately, the deceptions have continued, Margot set up a MySpace page without our permission. She was restricted from that. And she found where we put her phone, which she is still restricted from, and was using it again. This time she had it locked and we couldn't access it. When we demanded she unlock it she claimed, and still claims that she can't remember the password. We know it's a lie.

Now the latest:

My wife's business cell phone went missing yesterday. Margot claims she didn't take it. Of course, she's not to be trusted. After school today,we searched her school backpack and my wife searched her person and didn't find it. Earlier tonight, I called the phone from a work number here at the hospital and someone picked up but said nothing and hung up. I called my wife at home, she went into Margot's room and found her with the phone.

My wife and I talked about a plan of action. It'll be an on-going process I'm sure.

I thought it would be interesting to hear other opinions on this.





oh wow. I am a mom and IMO, y'all are doing the right thing by taking things from her. Other then spanking her I am not sure what else y'all can do.

My son is 18 and to this day I still go through his text messages and I fuss at him when I think he has texted things that he shouldn't have text. I also still go through his book bag. My son has never done anything for us not to trust him but, I just feel the need to check on him.

As a parent it is your right to know where your children/child is at and what they are doing and who they are hanging out with. Don't back down from your grounds. Stand firm. Know that she will "hate" you but, she will get over it. As she gets older she will appreciate the boundaries you gave her.

[PredFan]

I've been reading the and praying about this situation.

That is a superior source, one my daughter's using to help her with her own pubescent sons.

Everyone has spoken with such wisdom, it's hard to know what else to add, except this:

the child is terrified -- she hates herself as much as she hates mom and dad -- ditto Mitch -- teenagers always do -- they're not kids and they're not adults and they don't know who they are and where they're going anymore -- they know they have to grow up and be independent adults and they want that very much -- but they don't know HOW to grow up and be adults.

when they're babies, they bond to MOM -- source of dry diapers, warm snuggles, and FOOD

when they're toddlers, the bond to DAD -- the magnificent, the powerful, the worker of MAGIC

when they start school, they bond to the opposite gender -- boys bond and actually identify with Mom, yet they imitate Dad -- you see boys defend mom with all the fury they've got -- she's perfect -- but they do things, say things that come straight out of dad's example -- and girls think dad hung the moon, yet every action and reaction, right down to their speech patterns are an imitation of mom

then puberty trashes their entire psychological self-perception -- adult bodies, adult emotions, controlled by 8 year old brains, AT THE EXACT TIME THEY MUST GROW INTO INDEPENDENT ADULTS who are DIFFERENT than mom and NOT DAD

Role models become the kids they encounter socially at school -- and encounter in Holly Freaking Weird tv and movies -- and encounter on Internet blob sites. And even their best friend at school isn't real -- an IMAGINED being, created out of bits and pieces perceived about the real person -- and a lot that's purely imaginary built up in their own heads

Instead of needing Mom's approval (boy fixation) and Dad's approval (girl fixation) -- they begin to FIGHT AGAINST their former parental role model -- girls actually try to be the exact opposite of mom -- and boys struggle to be the exact opposite of dad -- and they rely on peer approval -- they could be exactly like so and so at school, so and so who plays professional sports, this actress or that actor who was SO COOL in such and such a movie -- imaginary people built up out of bits and pieces of the real person and a whole lot of pure romantic wishful thinking in their own heads

And, when they've chosen the wrong model for their behavior -- or even worse, have none at all, nothing but REJECT MOM and REJECT DAD -- they've got trouble in spades -- and worst of all, they KNOW their behavior is wrong -- the values they learned as kids imitating mom or dad are still there, eating them alive inside their own consciences, which they're doing their level best to stomp down and deny in order to BE DIFFERENT, in order to become NOT MOM and NOT DAD -- and that throws them into even greater turmoil, including total loss of emotional control, resulting in shouting and screaming and yelling -- and even physical violence, including throwing stuff, even literal physical fights

So, dealing with teenagers becomes a vicious tightrope dance between restricting destructive behaviors and giving them room to experiment with different values, different possible self-identities, SELF-controls until they find the one that works and lets them be both MOM and NOT MOM at one and the same time.

The one thing my parents did for me and my older brother -- and didn't do for my younger siblings -- was ASK US what we'd done and why such and such a behavior was destructive to ourselves and to others -- -- we'd get a "summons" to face them at the kitchen table, side by side, mom's hands folded on the table, dad's arms crossed over his chest -- never raise their voices, never shout, never let us see them angry -- and ASK "do you know why we need to talk?" And then wait for me to name off a whole list of things, working up to the one I really hoped they didn't know about -- then ASK why that behavior was wrong and what we should have done instead -- and then ASK why we'd done it (usually just because I didn't use my brain and think about it before I did it because I didn't WANT to say No to myself) -- and then ASK 1) what would help me learn not to do the same in the future and 2) how I intended to make up for the damage I'd done to others (often mom and dad, the entire family, but neighbors, too) -- and THAT is the part that bit hardest, knowing I'd caused major malfunctions to the family, especially those two people sitting there so calm and loving and kind -- and UNMOVEABLE -- like ROCKS -- and me like water trying to move rocks out of my way, make them back off and ignore what I WANTED to do and KNEW good and well was stupid.

Trying ASKING the poor love WHY she took Mom's cell phone, WHY that was damaging to Mom -- and how she's going to repair the damage she did, how she's going to learn never to do it again

Instead of just smashing down her bid for independence, let her take control of her own learning NOT to do so in future -- get her to suggest NO TV, etc. -- and, believe me, my parents never took less than an honest 100% REAL suggestion -- and I didn't either from my own four daughters -- had to be a REAL punishment, a REAL restitution, a REAL hard lessoning in why next time to stop and think about the damage I might be doing to somebody else as well as myself

-- but my own parents let me and then my husband and I let our teenagers set those terms themselves, identify the cause and effect damage they'd done first, then identify means of restitution and repair and learning for the future

-- and that gave them the sense of control and independent decision making they needed to foster actual adult independence staring them in the face -- it taught me, anyway, to stop and think about consequences in the future IF I did this or didn't do that

that and controlling peer group not-parental influences like tv and the internet and "friends" at school did a lot to ease the conflicts

and letting the kids see that I was amused by their dumbass antics -- that I actually expected them to try some such STUPID idiocy and was fully NOT BENT over their dumb stunt -- "don't make mama cry" and not making dad, arms cross, shake his head and comment "DUMB kid" -- man, those two motives sure stopped me from making several stupid mistakes -- I REALLY hated that "DUMB kid" look on Daddy's face -- I still see him sitting there, arms crossed, and he'd sort of duck his head down and to the side, like somebody had just sort of hit him lightly on the jaw -- a sort of throw away movement -- and the thought of that still influences a lot of my decision making -- and I can still see that sad look in Mama's eyes -- I still want to make them proud of me, not ashamed -- and I'm 60 years old, for pity's sake.

Thing is, a teenager hates HIM OR HERSELF more than they hate mom and dad -- and that self-rejection is expressed by attacking whatever wall stands between them and this IMAGINARY other Self they want very much to be instead of who they really are.

And a huge part of parenting a teenager is helping the kid learn to accept ME MYSELF AND I as is -- and reject that Imaginary Being they're trying to become -- to realize that the Imaginary Self is actually destructive and shameful while the Real Self isn't perfect but hugely better than the imaginary one -- to be proud of themselves AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW in reality -- and reject the Role Model that is leading them into self-destructive behaviors -- so that they seek SELF Approval instead of Peer Approval to validate their souls.

Very interesting take. Thanks.

[PredFan]

Margot is much different than the three of my own that I raised. Margot doesn't fight or scream or throw tantrums. that's the ONE thing that's new to me. I don't put too much importance to it, but it makes me wonder sometimes what's going on. At the same time she doesn't talk much either. If you ask her why she does the things she does she'll give eother a simple straight-forward answer without elaboration or she'll simply shrug and say "I don't know".

For instance "Margot, why did you take your mother's business phone to make calls you are not allowed to make?"

"Because i wanted to talk to my friends."

"Don't you realize that we'd miss the phone and that we would figure out where it went?"

<shrug>

No yelling, no arguing, but not much progress either.

[PredFan]

Many good things have been said here.

Some things I want to emphasize:

Sometimes, you can be the best parent in the world and it still isn't enough. You do what you can when you can and then you do what you have to.

Teenagers may in fact hate themselves. I don't remember hating myself but I remember wanting to be something/someone I wasn't. the thing is that Margot knows the things she does is wrong. She also is aware that the things she's doing are risky. Perhaps that is the attraction.

No matter what happens, experience has shown me that when they grow up, they will know that what you did for them was right, and they will appreciate it. My job as a parent is to do my best to make sure that they survive long enough to get to that point.

[rhet 2]

Many good things have been said here.

Some things I want to emphasize:

Sometimes, you can be the best parent in the world and it still isn't enough. You do what you can when you can and then you do what you have to.

Teenagers may in fact hate themselves. I don't remember hating myself but I remember wanting to be something/someone I wasn't. the thing is that Margot knows the things she does is wrong. She also is aware that the things she's doing are risky. Perhaps that is the attraction.

No matter what happens, experience has shown me that when they grow up, they will know that what you did for them was right, and they will appreciate it. My job as a parent is to do my best to make sure that they survive long enough to get to that point.

You're right there, oh yes!

When she comes up with the truth, admit its the truth -- and ask her, "so, talking to your friends was worth depriving your mother of an important business tool? Are your friends more important than she is? while you were talking to friends, she didn't have it to use for her own needs, did she? and you were willing to keep the phone hidden, even though she needs it herself?"

She told you the truth, you know. She did desperately need to talk to her "friends" -- which is an unhealthy dependency, IMO -- and she didn't stop to think about the damage she was doing to her mother -- and didn't care, either.

Find away to make her start thinking about how her actions effect others -- exocentric, instead of ME ME MEMEMEMEME-ism.

But, you're right. Long term results is what counts -- and nobody's a perfect parent -- just some are persistent and refuse to give up and walk away.

For which I truly honor you.

[PredFan]

You're right there, oh yes!

When she comes up with the truth, admit its the truth -- and ask her, "so, talking to your friends was worth depriving your mother of an important business tool? Are your friends more important than she is? while you were talking to friends, she didn't have it to use for her own needs, did she? and you were willing to keep the phone hidden, even though she needs it herself?"

She told you the truth, you know. She did desperately need to talk to her "friends" -- which is an unhealthy dependency, IMO -- and she didn't stop to think about the damage she was doing to her mother -- and didn't care, either.

Find away to make her start thinking about how her actions effect others -- exocentric, instead of ME ME MEMEMEMEME-ism.

But, you're right. Long term results is what counts -- and nobody's a perfect parent -- just some are persistent and refuse to give up and walk away.

For which I truly honor you.

Thank you. that's the thing that they will remember and appreciate down the road. You didn't give up.

[TheFallGuy]

Many good things have been said here.

Some things I want to emphasize:

Sometimes, you can be the best parent in the world and it still isn't enough. You do what you can when you can and then you do what you have to.

Teenagers may in fact hate themselves. I don't remember hating myself but I remember wanting to be something/someone I wasn't. the thing is that Margot knows the things she does is wrong. She also is aware that the things she's doing are risky. Perhaps that is the attraction.

No matter what happens, experience has shown me that when they grow up, they will know that what you did for them was right, and they will appreciate it. My job as a parent is to do my best to make sure that they survive long enough to get to that point.

Unconditional love. The one thing I see you've got, is the positive attitude. You already love her and want what's best for her. You've got so many things going for you.

One other suggestion. If you're not sure how to handle things (she's doing things radically different from what you're used to dealing with) maybe open the door to third-party counseling. If you've got insurance check to see if they'll cover it, and then see if you, your wife, and your daughter could attend a session or two together. There may be other underlying problems you and the rest of us don't see that perhaps a trained professional might be able to see. If you go that route, find one that works for her, not just you and your wife. Keep your chin up.

[PredFan]

Update:

One thing I will say for Margot, she does her pennance well. We have a list of things she has to do around the house, and she's doing them with little or no complaint.

I swear, the girl makes me ponder.

She doesn't scream or yell, no temper tantrums at all, barely argues when we confront her with her actions, and quietly takes her punishments.

Waaaay different than what I'm used to.

[SarahG]

Update:

One thing I will say for Margot, she does her pennance well. We have a list of things she has to do around the house, and she's doing them with little or no complaint.

I swear, the girl makes me ponder.

She doesn't scream or yell, no temper tantrums at all, barely argues when we confront her with her actions, and quietly takes her punishments.

Waaaay different than what I'm used to.

Is there a time limit to her pennance? You can't keep her restricted from her phone and other things forever.

Texting is one of their favorite things to do. Give it back after awhile, tell her what it is that is scaring you about her behavior and give her a chance to earn your trust again.

Catch her doing good things.

She may be quietly doing her time but being restricted consistently has it's drawbacks.

[sgtmac_46]

Handling my 13 year old stepdaughter.

Background:

I raised three daughters, got divorced and married a woman who had two daughters. The oldest step daughter is 13 and the youngest is 10.
Margot, the 13 year old, was caught by her mom a few months ago, texting a boy after she was supposed to be sleeping. (I shared this story with the forum a while back but don't know ehere it went) The boy is 15, goes to a different school but lives in the neighborhood of Margot's best friend from school. My wife, Margot's mother, went through the text messages and read some very frightening stuff. Very adult oriented.

We did the usual things, we took her phone, forbid her to talk to him and put her on restriction. The following week we hear more. There was a rumor going around her private school that she was pregnant. This I knew wasn't true since Margot never gets out of our sight much.

To try to shorten this story a bit, we resolved the situation, Margot quit contacting the boys and we hear he's "dating" a younger woman (12 years old) at some other school.

Unfortunately, the deceptions have continued, Margot set up a MySpace page without our permission. She was restricted from that. And she found where we put her phone, which she is still restricted from, and was using it again. This time she had it locked and we couldn't access it. When we demanded she unlock it she claimed, and still claims that she can't remember the password. We know it's a lie.

Now the latest:

My wife's business cell phone went missing yesterday. Margot claims she didn't take it. Of course, she's not to be trusted. After school today,we searched her school backpack and my wife searched her person and didn't find it. Earlier tonight, I called the phone from a work number here at the hospital and someone picked up but said nothing and hung up. I called my wife at home, she went into Margot's room and found her with the phone.

My wife and I talked about a plan of action. It'll be an on-going process I'm sure.

I thought it would be interesting to hear other opinions on this.

Most of the things teenagers view as 'rights' are really 'privileges'......such as choosing their own clothes, phone calls, texting, computer access, tv, time with friends........even a door on their room and privacy, etc.

Systematic and consistent removal of those privileges, when abused, as well as structured, and consistent and well defined requirements to get them back, is very important.

I'd start by tossing everything in her room in to storage, buying her an army cot, and nothing else, removing her door, installing a burglar alarm so she can't sneak out, and generally ordering and structuring every single minute of her life until she can prove she remotely the responsibility to be given any liberties.

Do it without comment OR debate!

[PredFan]

Is there a time limit to her pennance? You can't keep her restricted from her phone and other things forever.

Texting is one of their favorite things to do. Give it back after awhile, tell her what it is that is scaring you about her behavior and give her a chance to earn your trust again.

Catch her doing good things.

She may be quietly doing her time but being restricted consistently has it's drawbacks.

My wife and i are discussing what and when we should give back. I'm thinking phone first, with limitations. She'll have to hand it over to us at bedtime.

[PredFan]

Most of the things teenagers view as 'rights' are really 'privileges'......such as choosing their own clothes, phone calls, texting, computer access, tv, time with friends........even a door on their room and privacy, etc.

Systematic and consistent removal of those privileges, when abused, as well as structured, and consistent and well defined requirements to get them back, is very important.

I'd start by tossing everything in her room in to storage, buying her an army cot, and nothing else, removing her door, installing a burglar alarm so she can't sneak out, and generally ordering and structuring every single minute of her life until she can prove she remotely the responsibility to be given any liberties.

Do it without comment OR debate!

Lol, wouldn't expect less from you sarge!

We didn't go that far but she has no phone, no computer, and limited TV. Her 10 year old sister has control over the remote when the two are watching. that alone is probably the most punishing thing for her.

We are working on rules and specifics for her getting stuff back. Right now, as I told her, she has turned us from parents to jailers.

[itsrea]

Handling my 13 year old stepdaughter.

Background:

<snip>

I thought it would be interesting to hear other opinions on this.it's VERY important to impress on her that the things she's doing without are by her choice. I used to say to my kids, 'Every single step you take you have a choice of paths, every single word you speak you have a choice in vocabulary, every single action you take you have a choice about BEFORE you take it. Here are the rules. THIS is what will happen if you obey them. THIS is what will happen if you disobey. Obey them and you'll be rewarded. Break them and you are CHOOSING to be punished. It's that simple, it's your choice.

When they CHOSE to disobey I'd ask why they did that? Why would anyone EVER choose to get into trouble? My sons understood, my daughter never did.

Cancel her phone.. keeping it will lead her think she can earn it back.. tell her nope, it's gone. Don't make any deals about her earning a new one. Tell her it is too soon to talk about it.

Get a security system that is locked down in your room so she can't sneak out (and nail her windows shut in the meantime).

Keep your cell phones, money, and credit cards on your person until you undress at bedtime and lock them in a safe before you leave the room to shower. I heard you can buy pre-paid phones at Wal-Mart ??

Get family counseling. some for her alone, some for you two, and some with all three of you. The Lutherine church often has professional counselors and will counsel either lay or Christ centered - you pick what type, and they charge based on your income/what you can afford.

Start doing things TOGETHER.

Don't fight with her, you can't win a fight with a child.

Hold her close, keep her close, love her openly.

Don't discipline in anger.. walk away then come back if you have to - my husband, in his best Sarge voice, yelled at our oldest one day: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! He knew right then and there he had pushed too far and did run, and came back later and apologized - but then we lived in a remote, unpopulated area in the Sierras lol

Don't personalize her actions cause it's not about you, it's something about her.

Do I sound like I know what I'm talking about?

I do.

And I'm here to tell you if you don't get help you could lose her forever... I did.

[itsrea]

Most of the things teenagers view as 'rights' are really 'privileges'......such as choosing their own clothes, phone calls, texting, computer access, tv, time with friends........even a door on their room and privacy, etc.

Systematic and consistent removal of those privileges, when abused, as well as structured, and consistent and well defined requirements to get them back, is very important.

I'd start by tossing everything in her room in to storage, buying her an army cot, and nothing else, removing her door, installing a burglar alarm so she can't sneak out, and generally ordering and structuring every single minute of her life until she can prove she remotely the responsibility to be given any liberties.

Do it without comment OR debate!My granddaughter was a door slammer.. her mother got tired of it and told her slam it one more time and the door comes off - she did and it did.. so she slammed the bathroom door.. her mother stuck her head in the door, gave her the look, and asked do you really want to do this?

The door slamming stopped.

:))

My daughter treated her clothes awful, then started 'borrowing' mine and treating them badly, so I told her clean up the mess or everything goes in a bag and out to the shed.. she didn't - I told her pick out one outfit, undies included, she did, and the rest went out to the shed - took 10 days of having to wash the same outfit every single night before she gave up and promised to take care of her things.. I gave them back and she did.

[PredFan]

it's VERY important to impress on her that the things she's doing without are by her choice. I used to say to my kids, 'Every single step you take you have a choice of paths, every single word you speak you have a choice in vocabulary, every single action you take you have a choice about BEFORE you take it. Here are the rules. THIS is what will happen if you obey them. THIS is what will happen if you disobey. Obey them and you'll be rewarded. Break them and you are CHOOSING to be punished. It's that simple, it's your choice.

When they CHOSE to disobey I'd ask why they did that? Why would anyone EVER choose to get into trouble? My sons understood, my daughter never did.

Cancel her phone.. keeping it will lead her think she can earn it back.. tell her nope, it's gone. Don't make any deals about her earning a new one. Tell her it is too soon to talk about it.

Get a security system that is locked down in your room so she can't sneak out (and nail her windows shut in the meantime).

Keep your cell phones, money, and credit cards on your person until you undress at bedtime and lock them in a safe before you leave the room to shower. I heard you can buy pre-paid phones at Wal-Mart ??

Get family counseling. some for her alone, some for you two, and some with all three of you. The Lutherine church often has professional counselors and will counsel either lay or Christ centered - you pick what type, and they charge based on your income/what you can afford.

Start doing things TOGETHER.

Don't fight with her, you can't win a fight with a child.

Hold her close, keep her close, love her openly.

Don't discipline in anger.. walk away then come back if you have to - my husband, in his best Sarge voice, yelled at our oldest one day: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! He knew right then and there he had pushed too far and did run, and came back later and apologized - but then we lived in a remote, unpopulated area in the Sierras lol

Don't personalize her actions cause it's not about you, it's something about her.

Do I sound like I know what I'm talking about?

I do.

And I'm here to tell you if you don't get help you could lose her forever... I did.

Sound advice.

[jwil59]

Update:

One thing I will say for Margot, she does her pennance well. We have a list of things she has to do around the house, and she's doing them with little or no complaint.

I swear, the girl makes me ponder.

She doesn't scream or yell, no temper tantrums at all, barely argues when we confront her with her actions, and quietly takes her punishments.

Waaaay different than what I'm used to.

Answer to prayers my friend. God is good

[PredFan]

Next week, as long as she does the rest of her extra chores, Margot will get her I-Pod back. I figure that's the thing she likes that she can get into the least trouble with. Probably will get her phone back after that. Her AIM name and password have been obliterated so she won't be able to play on that until I allow her to make a new account.

She continues to be contrite, but I'm still wary. This girl is not stupid. I don't think I mentioned that she gets straight "A"s in school. She's not stupid, she just makes bad choices.

[rhet 2]

Next week, as long as she does the rest of her extra chores, Margot will get her I-Pod back. I figure that's the thing she likes that she can get into the least trouble with. Probably will get her phone back after that. Her AIM name and password have been obliterated so she won't be able to play on that until I allow her to make a new account.

She continues to be contrite, but I'm still wary. This girl is not stupid. I don't think I mentioned that she gets straight "A"s in school. She's not stupid, she just makes bad choices.

Not the first good student to make dumb social choices.

But it sounds to me like she's got some wise parenting to see her through the tough teens and into wisdom of her own.

I continue to pray for your family. Stressful times, these are.

[USMCmom]

Pred am keeping all of you in my prayers...sounds to me like you are on the right track and someday she'll see how lucky she is to have you in her life!
Stay strong & God Bless

[PredFan]

Today my wife took Margot to the gynecologist for an examination.

Now Like I said, I'm sure she hasn't had sex unless she had it at school and that's highly unlikely, it's a small private school and the teacher to student ratio is good.

She suggested this doctor visit as a good lesson to learn. Being male and never having any sisters, I had to take her word on it. She is convinced that Margot will learn quite a bit from the experience.

Verdict: As we thought, she's a virgin.

[USMCmom]

Today my wife took Margot to the gynecologist for an examination.

Now Like I said, I'm sure she hasn't had sex unless she had it at school and that's highly unlikely, it's a small private school and the teacher to student ratio is good.

She suggested this doctor visit as a good lesson to learn. Being male and never having any sisters, I had to take her word on it. She is convinced that Margot will learn quite a bit from the experience.

Verdict: As we thought, she's a virgin.

I believe that the Dr visits are important...I also believe that there comes a point when you might have to pull back a little and look at this realistically.

Taking her to the Dr for medical reasons is fine, but to do it to prove that she is still a virgin can be incredibly humiliating for a child. It is hard enough for them to open up and how can she trust a Dr who is looking to see if she has done something wrong?

Pred I think that after raising girls your instincts on what is right and wrong are fine...you need to trust that! I don't believe that you need a Dr to prove you are doing everything you can to help this child(IMHO)!

Am keeping all of you in my prayers...:pray:

[Rhonda]

PredFan, just remember what our children learned from the Clinton years, as to what acceptable behavior is

Unfortunately we have to cover in detail all aspects of what sexual acts consist of, with our children..But I am sure you and your wife have done just that..just thought I would throw this in for the sake of those who may be lurking

[PredFan]

I believe that the Dr visits are important...I also believe that there comes a point when you might have to pull back a little and look at this realistically.

Taking her to the Dr for medical reasons is fine, but to do it to prove that she is still a virgin can be incredibly humiliating for a child. It is hard enough for them to open up and how can she trust a Dr who is looking to see if she has done something wrong?

Pred I think that after raising girls your instincts on what is right and wrong are fine...you need to trust that! I don't believe that you need a Dr to prove you are doing everything you can to help this child(IMHO)!

Am keeping all of you in my prayers...:pray:


I'm not 100% sure why my wife insisted on Margot going to the doctor. It was her idea and I never would have thought of it. I think it had something to do with Margot's determination on doing things that Adult women do so she was being treated as an adult. Something like that. The main reason was not to determine if she was a virgin. That was a side benefit. We were 99.9% sure she was.

[PredFan]

PredFan, just remember what our children learned from the Clinton years, as to what acceptable behavior is

Unfortunately we have to cover in detail all aspects of what sexual acts consist of, with our children..But I am sure you and your wife have done just that..just thought I would throw this in for the sake of those who may be lurking

Lol, if Margot answers our questions with "That depends on your definition of sex", then I'll drop dead right there!

[PredFan]

Ok, so get this latest development:

As I said, I'm Margot's step-dad. We have kept her father in the loop as much as we can. To his credit he seemed concerned. He was the one who led us to Margot's MySpace page that she set up against our wishes. He knows about the 15 year old that had sex with her best friend and was after Margot.

Last weekend, they were with their dad. He was at a birthday party with family friends and the girls were with him. These friends live within a mile of Margot's girlfriend who had sex at 13 with the 15 year old. That 15 year old future sex-offender also lives in that neighborhood.

Margot's dad allowed Margot to visit the girlfriend. Even though this girls mother was home, he knows full well that we do not allow Margot to see her any more. That girls mom is completely clueless. THEN, the girl's mother calls and tells the dad that she can't find Margot or her daughter. He drives over, they go looking and find Margot and the friend walking down the sidewalk by themselves. Btw, it's almost dark. My wife was furious, their dad was non-challant. I was at work so I couldn't do anything about it. When questioned, he said "Yeah, probably wasn't a good idea".

Can you believe it?

Ok, so now listen to this.

Their dad, who lives in the house his parents own and are selling, is going to have to move out when the house sells. The people who had the birthday party want him to get a place in their neighborhood. One mile from the girlfriend and the future sex-offender.

Overcoming obstacles continued........

[Old_Mil]

Somewhat similar situation, but one step child, 7, and a boy so I haven't had to deal with the teenage stuff yet.

You're in a bit more difficult situation because the girl is 13 and is now entering the "i know everything, my parents are stupid" years.

(1) the content of her text messages and (2) the fact that she would steal mom's cell to keep sending them are troubling...

Facebook and myspace are easily dealt with. You can create something called a "host file" on your computer that prevents you from accessing certain websites. I'd put all the social networking sites on there.

Out of curiousity, are you a church going family? If so, which church? What sort of background has she had when it comes to spiritual and moral formation? What sort of life has her biofather led (sad to say, there is more genetic concordance to human behavior than the followers of Locke would believe...)?

http://www.teenbootcamps.org/

Something like this might be an option.

[rhet 2]

Ok, so get this latest development:

As I said, I'm Margot's step-dad. We have kept her father in the loop as much as we can. To his credit he seemed concerned. He was the one who led us to Margot's MySpace page that she set up against our wishes. He knows about the 15 year old that had sex with her best friend and was after Margot.

Last weekend, they were with their dad. He was at a birthday party with family friends and the girls were with him. These friends live within a mile of Margot's girlfriend who had sex at 13 with the 15 year old. That 15 year old future sex-offender also lives in that neighborhood.

Margot's dad allowed Margot to visit the girlfriend. Even though this girls mother was home, he knows full well that we do not allow Margot to see her any more. That girls mom is completely clueless. THEN, the girl's mother calls and tells the dad that she can't find Margot or her daughter. He drives over, they go looking and find Margot and the friend walking down the sidewalk by themselves. Btw, it's almost dark. My wife was furious, their dad was non-challant. I was at work so I couldn't do anything about it. When questioned, he said "Yeah, probably wasn't a good idea".

Can you believe it?

Ok, so now listen to this.

Their dad, who lives in the house his parents own and are selling, is going to have to move out when the house sells. The people who had the birthday party want him to get a place in their neighborhood. One mile from the girlfriend and the future sex-offender.

Overcoming obstacles continued........

:pray: Good LORD, have mercy, please, and deliver this silly, gullible child, Margot, from the letz that surround her. Wisdom and courage and endurance for those struggling to be wise and devoted parents, too. :pray:

If Margot were my daughter, I'd still be screaming in rage -- inside my own head, anyway -- and fighting the temptation to ask for VERY nasty things to land on top of my ex, the NOT-father.

[USMCmom]

I'm not 100% sure why my wife insisted on Margot going to the doctor. It was her idea and I never would have thought of it. I think it had something to do with Margot's determination on doing things that Adult women do so she was being treated as an adult. Something like that. The main reason was not to determine if she was a virgin. That was a side benefit. We were 99.9% sure she was.


As far as the Dr goes it is important for the kids to be comfortable with their body...I remember at 13 feeling like I was sometimes stuck in someone else's body! Doesn't help that your hormones are overriding every single brain cell that the Lord gave ya either!

I know so little about raising girls...all I can add is stay strong, stay united and pray!

Am keeping all of you in my prayers!:pray:

[PredFan]

You're in a bit more difficult situation because the girl is 13 and is now entering the "i know everything, my parents are stupid" years.

Actually, she hasn't gotten to that point yet. It's like she knows it's wrong but does it anyway because she wants to do it.

Facebook and myspace are easily dealt with. You can create something called a "host file" on your computer that prevents you from accessing certain websites. I'd put all the social networking sites on there.

I don't mind MySpace. My grown daughters had pages and still do. It's funny how they think that there's no way their parents would ever look at a MySpace page. Any time I really want to find out what's going on in my daughter's lives, I check their blogs.

Out of curiousity, are you a church going family? If so, which church? What sort of background has she had when it comes to spiritual and moral formation? What sort of life has her biofather led (sad to say, there is more genetic concordance to human behavior than the followers of Locke would believe...)?

Catholic. Church every Sunday and she goes to a private Catholic school.

[PredFan]

:pray: Good LORD, have mercy, please, and deliver this silly, gullible child, Margot, from the letz that surround her. Wisdom and courage and endurance for those struggling to be wise and devoted parents, too. :pray:

If Margot were my daughter, I'd still be screaming in rage -- inside my own head, anyway -- and fighting the temptation to ask for VERY nasty things to land on top of my ex, the NOT-father.

Yup. My wife is seething atm.

The Lord, and her mom and step-dad, are watching over her. Hopefully it'll be enough.

[khigh]

Actually, she hasn't gotten to that point yet. It's like she knows it's wrong but does it anyway because she wants to do it.



I don't mind MySpace. My grown daughters had pages and still do. It's funny how they think that there's no way their parents would ever look at a MySpace page. Any time I really want to find out what's going on in my daughter's lives, I check their blogs.



Catholic. Church every Sunday and she goes to a private Catholic school.

The first thing you said here got me thinking. "Actually, she hasn't gotten to that point yet. It's like she knows it's wrong but does it anyway because she wants to do it."

Has she seen a psychologist? I started "acting out" and knowing it was wrong when I was a little older than her, about 16 or 17. I moved out of my parent's house with a meth addict when I was 18 (never did the nasty stuff myself). I had a pattern of doing stupid stuff and acting on impulse while on the other hand being very gifted (intellectually) and creative.

I recently saw a psychiatrist because my money usage problems have been getting me in some trouble with my family. Diagnosed bipolar II. Now on meds and doing great, even though they are still balancing.

Even if there is nothing chemically wrong with her, it might be a good idea to have her talk to someone. Taking away everything I loved pushed me further away from my family and did no good at all.

[PredFan]

The first thing you said here got me thinking. "Actually, she hasn't gotten to that point yet. It's like she knows it's wrong but does it anyway because she wants to do it."

Has she seen a psychologist? I started "acting out" and knowing it was wrong when I was a little older than her, about 16 or 17. I moved out of my parent's house with a meth addict when I was 18 (never did the nasty stuff myself). I had a pattern of doing stupid stuff and acting on impulse while on the other hand being very gifted (intellectually) and creative.

I recently saw a psychiatrist because my money usage problems have been getting me in some trouble with my family. Diagnosed bipolar II. Now on meds and doing great, even though they are still balancing.

Even if there is nothing chemically wrong with her, it might be a good idea to have her talk to someone. Taking away everything I loved pushed me further away from my family and did no good at all.

We have been concidering that. I'm weighing her actions against what I'm used to from raising three daughters before her. I'm not sure that what she is doing isn't out of the ordinary for a teen.

[Calibabe]

My opinion, which you may not want to hear, is that you should provide her with birth control protection.

Yes, it is too late to change her, and you are seeing her rebel. If you accept her behavior as the way things are going to be, you may save her from a major lifetime mistake.

Accepting is not condoning.
But accepting what she is liable to do may allow you to speak to her as an adult, and warn her as an adult.

And no, even providing birth control didn’t prevent the young person that I know of from becoming a mother too early. But, I have no idea what else the parents should have done.
All the signs were there from the time she was 13. She made it to 17 before she became a mommy.

:eek:

I don't think that is even an option that should be explored especially by a 13 yr old.

First off birth control is not an answer. A 13 yr old is not in anyway responsible enough to take birth control on a routine basis. They can't even remember to do their homework let along medication that prevents pregnancy. Also getting into a sexual relationship at that age will only damage her self esteem. A 13 yr old does not need to be worrying about whether or not she is adequate as far as sex goes.

That is possibly the worst suggestion that anyone could have given on this topic.

We are talking about a 13 yr old who is doing what a number of 13 yr old do. They think they know it all, and that their parents are the most stupid people on the planet. However what they don't consider is that every screw up they make, gets them caught. So tell me, just how smart are they? Not very.

Giving a 13 yr old birth control is tantamount to giving her a firearm. I don't think I would trust a 13 yr old with a loaded gun. I surely wouldn't trust them with birth control either. This solution would just exacerbate the problem further.

[Calibabe]

Handling my 13 year old stepdaughter.

Background:

I raised three daughters, got divorced and married a woman who had two daughters. The oldest step daughter is 13 and the youngest is 10.
Margot, the 13 year old, was caught by her mom a few months ago, texting a boy after she was supposed to be sleeping. (I shared this story with the forum a while back but don't know ehere it went) The boy is 15, goes to a different school but lives in the neighborhood of Margot's best friend from school. My wife, Margot's mother, went through the text messages and read some very frightening stuff. Very adult oriented.

We did the usual things, we took her phone, forbid her to talk to him and put her on restriction. The following week we hear more. There was a rumor going around her private school that she was pregnant. This I knew wasn't true since Margot never gets out of our sight much.

To try to shorten this story a bit, we resolved the situation, Margot quit contacting the boys and we hear he's "dating" a younger woman (12 years old) at some other school.

Unfortunately, the deceptions have continued, Margot set up a MySpace page without our permission. She was restricted from that. And she found where we put her phone, which she is still restricted from, and was using it again. This time she had it locked and we couldn't access it. When we demanded she unlock it she claimed, and still claims that she can't remember the password. We know it's a lie.

Now the latest:

My wife's business cell phone went missing yesterday. Margot claims she didn't take it. Of course, she's not to be trusted. After school today,we searched her school backpack and my wife searched her person and didn't find it. Earlier tonight, I called the phone from a work number here at the hospital and someone picked up but said nothing and hung up. I called my wife at home, she went into Margot's room and found her with the phone.

My wife and I talked about a plan of action. It'll be an on-going process I'm sure.

I thought it would be interesting to hear other opinions on this.

You have to measure punishment with reward. If she behaves for a few weeks, give her something that rewards that behavior. If she continues to do things that are not acceptable, then tell her that she will continue to be grounded and that she will not be able to do things with her friends. I would keep the leash here as tight as possible but still allow a little wiggle room for breathing, if you get my drift.

This is not abnormal behavior, however. If I might ask, you mention that there is a father in the picture. Does she get to see this man? If not could this be a possible rebellion to that situation? If she gets to see him, does this excerbate the position that you and your wife hold with respect to her actions? I know that my oldest son was just fine when he wouldn't see or hear from my ex, but the minute he would, he would pull some stupid stunt at school that would wind up in him getting detention and thus his phone priviledges would be suspended. I finally had to go to court to show the correlations and the judge did grant an order barring any contact during the school year between the two. It did help. Sometimes when the ex, if they don't have contact with their ex, tries to get the children to do their bidding and thus has them act out like this. It is just a thought. I certainly hope that this is not the case because if it is, you are gonna have one tough time in dealing with it. I also would hate to see someone else having an ex doing that to a child. It is tantamount to child abuse in the worst form.

However, if there is very limited contact, then I suggest that you and your wife continue to talk to her and explain what is exceptable behavior and what is not. If it doesn't seem to resolve itself in a few weeks, then I suggest that you contact a psychologist, who also is not an advocate for medication, who may be able to work with your step-daughter and maybe this will provide an outlet for her to talk to someone outside the family, about what she is feeling and going through. It is a thought. However if the psychologist is just wanting to push some type of medication, then find another. I don't believe in putting children on medications for behavior. I have been in the medical field too long and have seen too much with respect to these meds and what they do to a child for the long term.

I hope that everything works out. This could just be a faze that she is going through. Also monitor her friends. Maybe she is mixed up with some kids at her school that are telling her what to do as well. Peer pressure in this age group is just unforgiving. She may fear being shut out of a group that she things is just the "be all and end all" to belong to.

I wish you all luck.

[PredFan]

You have to measure punishment with reward. If she behaves for a few weeks, give her something that rewards that behavior. If she continues to do things that are not acceptable, then tell her that she will continue to be grounded and that she will not be able to do things with her friends. I would keep the leash here as tight as possible but still allow a little wiggle room for breathing, if you get my drift.

Done.

This is not abnormal behavior, however. If I might ask, you mention that there is a father in the picture. Does she get to see this man? If not could this be a possible rebellion to that situation? If she gets to see him, does this excerbate the position that you and your wife hold with respect to her actions? I know that my oldest son was just fine when he wouldn't see or hear from my ex, but the minute he would, he would pull some stupid stunt at school that would wind up in him getting detention and thus his phone priviledges would be suspended. I finally had to go to court to show the correlations and the judge did grant an order barring any contact during the school year between the two. It did help. Sometimes when the ex, if they don't have contact with their ex, tries to get the children to do their bidding and thus has them act out like this. It is just a thought. I certainly hope that this is not the case because if it is, you are gonna have one tough time in dealing with it. I also would hate to see someone else having an ex doing that to a child. It is tantamount to child abuse in the worst form.

No, there doesn't seem to be any corellation. The dad talks the talk alright, but imo, he's a dumbass.

However, if there is very limited contact, then I suggest that you and your wife continue to talk to her and explain what is exceptable behavior and what is not. If it doesn't seem to resolve itself in a few weeks, then I suggest that you contact a psychologist, who also is not an advocate for medication, who may be able to work with your step-daughter and maybe this will provide an outlet for her to talk to someone outside the family, about what she is feeling and going through. It is a thought. However if the psychologist is just wanting to push some type of medication, then find another. I don't believe in putting children on medications for behavior. I have been in the medical field too long and have seen too much with respect to these meds and what they do to a child for the long term.

Concidering it.


I hope that everything works out. This could just be a faze that she is going through. Also monitor her friends. Maybe she is mixed up with some kids at her school that are telling her what to do as well. Peer pressure in this age group is just unforgiving. She may fear being shut out of a group that she things is just the "be all and end all" to belong to.

I believe it is a phase, we just have to get her through it.


I wish you all luck.

Thanks.

[jwil59]

I'm still praying about this

[PredFan]

I'm still praying about this

Thanks friend.

Seems to be working, at least on the surface. We gave Margot back her iPod, we will be giving her her phoone back soon. I have cancelled her AIM account and we will be taking her phone from her at bedtime. No more texting after hours.

I really believe in my heart that Margot will get through this. It will be a struggle for us but we won't give up.

Still praying for Mitch too btw, even though I took down the sig pic.

[blazer]

Think you are doing a great job!

[jwil59]

Thanks friend.

Seems to be working, at least on the surface. We gave Margot back her iPod, we will be giving her her phoone back soon. I have cancelled her AIM account and we will be taking her phone from her at bedtime. No more texting after hours.

I really believe in my heart that Margot will get through this. It will be a struggle for us but we won't give up.

Still praying for Mitch too btw, even though I took down the sig pic.

Thanks for the prayers buddy....

How arr things with margot now?

[PredFan]

All quiet on this front.

Margot has gotten her iPod back. We haven't given her her phone back yet. You might recall that when she was last caught with it, we tried to find out who she was calling and texting. The phone was locked and she claimed to "not remember what the password was". I told her she could have her phone backl when she remembered it. Not that it's any use to her since she can't remember the password. ;)

I will concider returning her computer privilages next week. Her IM ability is non-existant.

I may concider allowing her to set up a MySpace page. I will be supervising it's construction. I have come to this decision for a couple of reasons.

First and formost:

Kids never ever imagine that their parents can view their MySpace pages. Remember how many times you hear of kids getting caught doing something or planning to do something because someone saw it on their MySpace page? Those girls who beat up that girl in Lakeland, video taped it and posted the beating on their page and those boys who were planning to shoot up a school are two examples.

My three oldest daughters have/had MySpace pages. I look at their pages fairly regularly and I learn more about them and how they are than they every would tell me. I don't clue them in that I look and won't unless there is a great danger to them. So far there hasn't been. BUT, I do use the unformation I get there to help me with advice or understanding of their lives. I think that Margot having a MySpace page would help my wife and I to help her.

But, as I said, there has been no other problems from Margot and she seems happy, pleasant, and cooperative right now.

[itsrea]

All quiet on this front.

Margot has gotten her iPod back. We haven't given her her phone back yet. You might recall that when she was last caught with it, we tried to find out who she was calling and texting. The phone was locked and she claimed to "not remember what the password was". I told her she could have her phone backl when she remembered it. Not that it's any use to her since she can't remember the password. ;)

I will concider returning her computer privilages next week. Her IM ability is non-existant.

I may concider allowing her to set up a MySpace page. I will be supervising it's construction. I have come to this decision for a couple of reasons.

First and formost:

Kids never ever imagine that their parents can view their MySpace pages. Remember how many times you hear of kids getting caught doing something or planning to do something because someone saw it on their MySpace page? Those girls who beat up that girl in Lakeland, video taped it and posted the beating on their page and those boys who were planning to shoot up a school are two examples.

My three oldest daughters have/had MySpace pages. I look at their pages fairly regularly and I learn more about them and how they are than they every would tell me. I don't clue them in that I look and won't unless there is a great danger to them. So far there hasn't been. BUT, I do use the unformation I get there to help me with advice or understanding of their lives. I think that Margot having a MySpace page would help my wife and I to help her.

But, as I said, there has been no other problems from Margot and she seems happy, pleasant, and cooperative right now.She can lock you out of a my space site.. and/or hide posts that she can then let only certain people see.. two years ago my granddaughter locked her mother out and myspace refused to help my DIL get back in... and come to find out she was communicating with a dealer who got her into drugs when she ran away to be with him...

So be careful with that site, please.

[PredFan]

She can lock you out of a my space site.. and/or hide posts that she can then let only certain people see.. two years ago my granddaughter locked her mother out and myspace refused to help my DIL get back in... and come to find out she was communicating with a dealer who got her into drugs when she ran away to be with him...

So be careful with that site, please.

I can set it up for her and control it. If she tries to lock me out I can just lock her out of her computer again. I have the master account on that.

[JenyEliza]

Don't worry my friend. I have raised three daughters before and they are all fine.

Single parent raising a 14 year old boy and 14 year old girl here (yes, twins).


Yes, i have. I'm skeptical. I know teenagers can be very sly and can usually fake this stuff.

It's a gimmick designed to relieve desperate parents of their hard earned cash. Just as Proactiv is a gimmick desigend to relieve the parents of desperate acne-prone teens of their hard earned cash.

Be wary. Be very wary.

Her mom says it's her father. He seemed to reject her when she was young. IMO, that could be true, he's kind of an immature and selfish person.

That's crap. Total crap.

My children's father *has* totally rejected our kids. Lives 15 minutes down the road from us. Not a Christmas or birthday card for either child this year (2009). There is no phone contact or physical contact between Dad and kids (his "new" wife has said he can have reliationship with our kids so long as Dad has NO contact with me). He's trying to keep peace at home, so the kids have been the ones to suffer.

He married this woman--who was our neighbor--when the kids were 8 months old. This woman has 4 kids of her own from her 1st marriage. After their marriage he just moved on with his life as if we never existed. Except when the State of Georgia kindly invites him to child support hearings (like they dd last week). Then he remembers he has kids from his 2nd marriage. ;)

My daughter doesn't do any of the crap your step daughter is doing, and she damned sure wouldn't be allowed to blame it on her so-called "Dad" if she *ever* decided to act like such a dumbass either. SHE would be expected to take responsibility.

OTOH, I can't rule out peer pressure and normal teenaged defiance.

Peer pressure and "normal" teeenaged defiance is probably partially at the heart of the problem, but it seems to me she is looking for attention from her Mother (and you too).

In most likelyhood--and she would *never* admit this--she feels like you are "stealing" her time with her mother, and she probably resents this highly.

What better way to get back at the Mom and new Step-Dad--how can she pay them back for hurting her feelings? Hmmmm. How about cause them to go ballistic over some outrageous contact with boys? She knows it upsets Mom and new StepDad. She knows it will *definitely* get attention---good, bad or indifferent, there **WILL BE ATTENTION FOR HER**.

Think about that for a minute.

The problem I have right now is that I came into the picture too late.

I'd say just the opposite. You came into the picture at just the RIGHT TIME, before she ends up doing things that will haunt her the rest of her life.

Like Sexting (pictures blasted around the world). Having unprotected sex and getting diseases. Or getting pregnant.

You are there NOW and you CAN AND WILL stop her nonsense before it gets out of control.

Yep. Perfect time. Not too late at all.

My 14 year old daughter can only *wish* for a StepDad like you. And she (and her twin brother) often do exactly that. ;) :D

If you raise your daughter or son, from an infant and you do it right, even that's no gaurantee, but usually it'll turn out better. trying to change a kid's attitude at 13 is difficult.

Not impossible though.

Not impossible, and actually highly probable. It would seem (to me) that your opinion is VERY important to your stepdaughter.

Leverage that to your advantage.

Jeny :hug:

Oh....and one other thing. If you (and she and Mom) feel comfortable with it, drop the "Step" thing and let her know she is your daughter and very important to you.

I have a 20 year old step son and 21 year old step daughter from my marriage to the 14 year old twins father. I haven't referred to them as "steps" in years, except in order to clarify their actual relationship to my kids for someone who is confused.

Both of these kids call me "Udder Mudder". :D

[jwil59]

I hope and pray all is well with Margot, Predfan, and family

[PredFan]

Thanks. All is well so far. Margot maintains that she has learned her lesson. She still gets almost straight As in school, a private Catholic school no less, and is going to a magnet public school for drama in the fall.