What to do with Mom?

[cbut1]

Hello all I know that this is a particular place for some soft gentle consoling and as of yet I have not needed much. I do have a small burden on my heart that I hope your varied experiences can be helpful with. Please be patient this has been a long time coming.

For some background:

My mom and I used to have a very good relationship while I was growing up but now we just have a polite relationship more than anything else. I don't want it to remain that way but I am having difficulty taking the mature step in the direction of change. My kids barely know their G-mother and my youngest she met for the first time only last year at my G-fathers funeral. She is now 62 yrs old and lives by herself with a number of ailments nothing major just common old folks stuff. She is the oldest of 11 kids and has been pretty self sufficient for a large portion of her life so she is pretty set in her ways. Her actions through my life has allowed a wedge to develope between my brothers and me as well and it is heartbreaking not being able to spend time with them outside of family trouble.

Simply I find it difficult to honor her as Gods word instructs and I need some HONEST council.

She is asking for some money to help out this month (being a 1 income household in the most expensive state in the union) it is difficult to give money to people for any reason, but it is really difficult when it is someone you know wastes so much as she does. It isn't a matter of getting it back either I don't worry about that portion because I understtand mankind/family enough to not expect anything back.


Anyways there is some of it, feel free to ask or comment as you deem appropriate I am a big boy so if you have to lay the smack down on me verbally then I understand.

[stoked]

I wonder if you can sit down and go over her finances/taxes with her and see if there's a way you can turn things around for her there. Part of her problems seems to be that she is not managing her money very well.

[USMCmom]

C...my heart goes out to ya as I can't imagine not being close to my Mom. Family is so precious and there time here on earth so short, it seems a waste to not go to her and at least tell her of your concerns. If she is that independent I would think that asking for help must be hard for her and rather than giving her the money-just offer to pay what she needs help with. That is what my parents, my siblings and I do for each other...

Parents are not perfect as much as we would like them to be and being from an older generation is even harder in this day and age! Every child needs their Grandma...Kids also need their parents regardless of how old you get! It is obvious that you love her and that you care...so be the Man that she raised you to be!!!

I have no desire to "smack you down" I would rather offer a little advice and let you know that you and your Mom will be in my prayers!

Take care, Good Luck & God Bless:hug:

[blazer]

Hello all I know that this is a particular place for some soft gentle consoling and as of yet I have not needed much. I do have a small burden on my heart that I hope your varied experiences can be helpful with. Please be patient this has been a long time coming.

For some background:

My mom and I used to have a very good relationship while I was growing up but now we just have a polite relationship more than anything else. I don't want it to remain that way but I am having difficulty taking the mature step in the direction of change. My kids barely know their G-mother and my youngest she met for the first time only last year at my G-fathers funeral. She is now 62 yrs old and lives by herself with a number of ailments nothing major just common old folks stuff. She is the oldest of 11 kids and has been pretty self sufficient for a large portion of her life so she is pretty set in her ways. Her actions through my life has allowed a wedge to develope between my brothers and me as well and it is heartbreaking not being able to spend time with them outside of family trouble.

Simply I find it difficult to honor her as Gods word instructs and I need some HONEST council.

She is asking for some money to help out this month (being a 1 income household in the most expensive state in the union) it is difficult to give money to people for any reason, but it is really difficult when it is someone you know wastes so much as she does. It isn't a matter of getting it back either I don't worry about that portion because I understtand mankind/family enough to not expect anything back.


Anyways there is some of it, feel free to ask or comment as you deem appropriate I am a big boy so if you have to lay the smack down on me verbally then I understand.
I will pray for you that you make the right decision. I know you would feel better if you are able to have a closer relationship with her. I think she could really use your advice in financial matters if she is willing to accept it. I have a similar relationship with my sister. :hug:

[itsrea]

I'm not going to suggest ways to ease back into, or to jump back into, a relationship with your mother.

I AM going to tell you that if you are having a problem with this issue then it's your God telling you it's time to deal with it.. and dealing with it has NOTHING to do with your mom - forgiving her does not let her off the hook and does not always require any relationship or contact with her - being able to treat her (and think of her) in the way the God tells you to is between you and your God and is ABOUT your relationship with God. In other words the scriptures do not tell you to treat your parents with respect because He is concerned about THEM, but because doing so keeps us from judging them and from being in the position you now find yourself in - and this postion is causing you pain and confusion and God does not want you feeling either... so He's telling you He is tired of this issue being between you and Him and that He wants it out of your heart.

I recently had to deal with a similiar issue and I finally just had to throw my hands up and say Lord I cannot do this, I don't WANT to do this, so if you want me to forgive her then you're going to have to place that in my heart.. and I left it there.

So I suggest you find out, through reading the scripture or through praying or by going to your religious leader what to do and how to do it - then once your relationship with God is right you will know what, if anything, to do about your mother.

[rhet 2]

I'm not going to suggest ways to ease back into, or to jump back into, a relationship with your mother.

I AM going to tell you that if you are having a problem with this issue then it's your God telling you it's time to deal with it.. and dealing with it has NOTHING to do with your mom - forgiving her does not let her off the hook and does not always require any relationship or contact with her - being able to treat her (and think of her) in the way the God tells you to is between you and your God and is ABOUT your relationship with God. In other words the scriptures do not tell you do treat your parents with respect because He is concerned about THEM, but because doing so keeps us from judging them and from being in the position you now find yourself in - and this postion is causing you pain and confusion and God does not want you feeling either... so He's telling you He is tired of this issue being between you and Him and that He wants it out of your heart.

I recently had to deal with a similiar issue and I finally just had to throw my hands up and say Lord I cannot do this, I don't WANT to do this, so if you want me to forgive her then you're going to have to place that in my heart.. and I left it there.

So I suggest you find out, through reading the scripture or through praying or by going to your religious leader what to do and how to do it - then once your relationship with God is right you will know what, if anything, to do about your mother.

Sound, mature counsel!

I fully concur.

I would only add that two things do more to damage our family relationships than anything else:

1) false guilt -- if you cannot give Mom the money, say so -- and do NOT feel guilty because you did -- and a LOT of stuff that grown kids do is just nobody's business except their own -- don't tell her a lie that makes you feel even worse; just say "Wow, Mom, wish I could but just can't right now" without explanations of why not

2) lying -- both to ourselves and to our family members -- if you don't want to mow the lawn right now, don't make up an excuse -- just tell the truth -- and know that you have the right to arrange your schedule to suit yourself -- as long as eventually you DO mow the lawn before the lawn becomes a vicious mess for others to deal with -- and you accept it when they do the same to you.

Too many times we use guilt and falsehoods to manipulate each other, denying each other the freedom to be ourselves.

It's far better to just accept and expect the other person to be just as humanly flawed as we are ourselves -- don't expect perfection from yourself and don't expect perfection from others, not this side of the Resurrection.

The name of the game in family relationships is RELAX and ENJOY without all the competition and arm twisting and self-inflicted misery over not being perfect.

My Bear isn't perfect -- not by a long shot -- but life with the Imperfect Bear is a whole lot better than life without him -- and he's flipping lucky I'm not a bigger waste of lebensraum than I really am.

Ditto my kids -- and they can jolly well tolerate me just as much as I tolerate them.

[cbut1]

Thank you all for your input and well wishes.

Itsrea yours was a most welcomed response.

Growing up my mom and I did a lot of things together, I have no sisters and so my mom missed that part of parenthood (her own daughter) I think it always saddened her. I filled that gap in a lot of ways I learned to cook, clean, sow and garden by her. My individual strength comes from her and my willingness to stand up and fight (verbal debating and such) is also from her. I have learned many things from her mistakes also as such I put my family first at personal self cost, I strive to serve God completly not convieniently. I understand what I am facing with the hearts desire to build a better relationship; my difficulty is I also understand that she is still selfish in many ways. Maybe it is due to so much she gave up being a substitute mom to her siblings growing up and he feels it is owed her but she doesn't face it or want to hear it, she only wants what she wants.

Anyways I sent her the money she asked for plus a little more to see how she responds, I pray that it is recieved with the same humbleness it was given in. The money is an incoseqential matter here for me it is only a tool to help find a resolution, my willingness or unwillingness to give it is purely on its availability. Since I just did my taxes last week I happen to have it available (I wonder inside if the timing is coincidential).

[blazer]

Thank you all for your input and well wishes.

Itsrea yours was a most welcomed response.

Growing up my mom and I did a lot of things together, I have no sisters and so my mom missed that part of parenthood (her own daughter) I think it always saddened her. I filled that gap in a lot of ways I learned to cook, clean, sow and garden by her. My individual strength comes from her and my willingness to stand up and fight (verbal debating and such) is also from her. I have learned many things from her mistakes also as such I put my family first at personal self cost, I strive to serve God completly not convieniently. I understand what I am facing with the hearts desire to build a better relationship; my difficulty is I also understand that she is still selfish in many ways. Maybe it is due to so much she gave up being a substitute mom to her siblings growing up and he feels it is owed her but she doesn't face it or want to hear it, she only wants what she wants.

Anyways I sent her the money she asked for plus a little more to see how she responds, I pray that it is recieved with the same humbleness it was given in. The money is an incoseqential matter here for me it is only a tool to help find a resolution, my willingness or unwillingness to give it is purely on its availability. Since I just did my taxes last week I happen to have it available (I wonder inside if the timing is coincidential).

You are a good man cbut1! :hug:

Psalms 37:23 (KJV) The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

[cbut1]

I do try even though my examples have been lacking.

[Seanachie]

I do try even though my examples have been lacking.

One of the toughest things you will ever do in your lifetime will be to 'give' forgiveness and never be to proud to accept the forgiveness that comes your way from any source.

When you look at your own face through your minds-eye; you will inherently know where that should apply from either direction. My parents were the grusome twosome as my nine siblings and I were growing up. I could tell you some stories that would make fresh milk curdle. I don't simply because it's too darn painful to do so and I have long since discovered the release of joy forgiveness has on my Soul. Again, from either direction. Forgiveness is a super highway and by no means, one-way. No one knows you better than you and the only advice I can give is to gaze deeply inside and do what you inherently already know is the right thing to do for your very own Soul.

Jim

[JenyEliza]

Thank you all for your input and well wishes.

Itsrea yours was a most welcomed response.

Growing up my mom and I did a lot of things together, I have no sisters and so my mom missed that part of parenthood (her own daughter) I think it always saddened her. I filled that gap in a lot of ways I learned to cook, clean, sow and garden by her. My individual strength comes from her and my willingness to stand up and fight (verbal debating and such) is also from her. I have learned many things from her mistakes also as such I put my family first at personal self cost, I strive to serve God completly not convieniently. I understand what I am facing with the hearts desire to build a better relationship; my difficulty is I also understand that she is still selfish in many ways. Maybe it is due to so much she gave up being a substitute mom to her siblings growing up and he feels it is owed her but she doesn't face it or want to hear it, she only wants what she wants.

Anyways I sent her the money she asked for plus a little more to see how she responds, I pray that it is recieved with the same humbleness it was given in. The money is an incoseqential matter here for me it is only a tool to help find a resolution, my willingness or unwillingness to give it is purely on its availability. Since I just did my taxes last week I happen to have it available (I wonder inside if the timing is coincidential).

FWIW, I think you did the right thing. I pray that God humbles your Mother's heart and allows the reconnection you both need.

A mother and child apart is a sad thing. No matter why or how, it is hurtful to both.

I pray you'll find your way back to each other.

And no....the timing wasn't coincidental. That's God at work. :mrgreen:

[rhet 2]

FWIW, I think you did the right thing. I pray that God humbles your Mother's heart and allows the reconnection you both need.

A mother and child apart is a sad thing. No matter why or how, it is hurtful to both.

I pray you'll find your way back to each other.

And no....the timing wasn't coincidental. That's God at work. :mrgreen:

Timing never is, is it?

Mom has to make her own choices, too.

Relationships are never one way streets with a single traveler on it -- multiple directions with many souls all going in different directions that have to ALL reach out and help the other one along his/her own route.

Cbut1 reached out his own hand.

Now, I pray the LORD give mother the wisdom to reach out her own in turn, to take and to give equal measure to help Cbut travel the path laid for Cbut's feet, as he has tried to help her travel her own.

[jwil59]

Thank you all for your input and well wishes.

Itsrea yours was a most welcomed response.

Growing up my mom and I did a lot of things together, I have no sisters and so my mom missed that part of parenthood (her own daughter) I think it always saddened her. I filled that gap in a lot of ways I learned to cook, clean, sow and garden by her. My individual strength comes from her and my willingness to stand up and fight (verbal debating and such) is also from her. I have learned many things from her mistakes also as such I put my family first at personal self cost, I strive to serve God completly not convieniently. I understand what I am facing with the hearts desire to build a better relationship; my difficulty is I also understand that she is still selfish in many ways. Maybe it is due to so much she gave up being a substitute mom to her siblings growing up and he feels it is owed her but she doesn't face it or want to hear it, she only wants what she wants.

Anyways I sent her the money she asked for plus a little more to see how she responds, I pray that it is recieved with the same humbleness it was given in. The money is an incoseqential matter here for me it is only a tool to help find a resolution, my willingness or unwillingness to give it is purely on its availability. Since I just did my taxes last week I happen to have it available (I wonder inside if the timing is coincidential).

I think you did the right thing about the money for what it's worth.

I pray you guys grow closer

[cbut1]

Well Mom cashed the check and spent the money and it has been 2 weeks now with no thank you or thanks for the extra you sent.

Older Brother was ticked off because he had helped her the week before and the same thing. I fear we may have a problem here brewing but am unsure how to procede.

Any pointers?

[rhet 2]

Well Mom cashed the check and spent the money and it has been 2 weeks now with no thank you or thanks for the extra you sent.

Older Brother was ticked off because he had helped her the week before and the same thing. I fear we may have a problem here brewing but am unsure how to procede.

Any pointers?

Up front and honest: "No, Mom. We'll help you -- by paying the bill ourselves -- but no more cash, since we haven't got cash to throw away. Hand me the electric bill -- I'll see it gets paid. I'll be by on Saturday and take you to the grocery store."

Some of us never learn how to control the money. I'm one of them, sad to say. And it's actually a relief to have the Bear and the Duck doing it for me. It's just not where my talents and skills -- and training-- lay. I never learned how -- and they love me enough not to force me to learn now.

[jwil59]

Well Mom cashed the check and spent the money and it has been 2 weeks now with no thank you or thanks for the extra you sent.

Older Brother was ticked off because he had helped her the week before and the same thing. I fear we may have a problem here brewing but am unsure how to procede.

Any pointers?

I think Rhet has given you good counsel here my friend.........

I'm praying for this relationship with your mom to improve

[stoked]

i think rhet has given you good counsel here my friend.........

I'm praying for this relationship with your mom to improve

+1

[itsrea]

Well Mom cashed the check and spent the money and it has been 2 weeks now with no thank you or thanks for the extra you sent.

Older Brother was ticked off because he had helped her the week before and the same thing. I fear we may have a problem here brewing but am unsure how to procede.

Any pointers?Don't proceed.. pray, turn it over to God, and then wait upon Him.

[doodle5]

Do not give her ANY MONEY CHECKS OR OTHER!! Some people are not talented this way!!

1.You and brother pay bills electronically.
2. You and brother take turns taking her to the store for groceries
and medication and other needs.
3. Is she well enough to clean her house if not find a cleaning lady or crew. Call a social worker or a neighbor, someone that recommend a person or crew.
4. Does she have a car? Is she capable to drive?

I'll think of more suggestions.

Carlene

[doodle5]

I am speaking from experience. You can do this gentle but stern.

I am praying for you and your brother.

You are doing what is wise for your mother and both of you brothers.

Carlene

[cbut1]

I was invited to preach at a sister Church in Hughson, Ca. a small community outside of my birth hometown of Modesto. So I contacted my mother and invited her and asked her to let my younger brother know and invite him to bring his family. (I have only met my 15 yr old neice and 8 yr old nephew 4 times) I thought it might be a good chance for them to get to know me a little better and what it is I have been doing. (striving to serve God) I am pleased to share that they all came and stayed the whole day and I think my brother and neice (at least them 2) were under conviction from the messege delivered. keep them in prayer. My mom said she was real proud and surprised at how well I had done. She could barely walk and her health is getting worse each time I see her. Some bridge building has begun but it is only the blueprints at this stage.

[rhet 2]

I was invited to preach at a sister Church in Hughson, Ca. a small community outside of my birth hometown of Modesto. So I contacted my mother and invited her and asked her to let my younger brother know and invite him to bring his family. (I have only met my 15 yr old neice and 8 yr old nephew 4 times) I thought it might be a good chance for them to get to know me a little better and what it is I have been doing. (striving to serve God) I am pleased to share that they all came and stayed the whole day and I think my brother and neice (at least them 2) were under conviction from the messege delivered. keep them in prayer. My mom said she was real proud and surprised at how well I had done. She could barely walk and her health is getting worse each time I see her. Some bridge building has begun but it is only the blueprints at this stage.

One step at a time, those who "wait upon the LORD" most sure can and will walk around the world, no matter how many obstacles the Devil throws up in front of us. For who can stand against us when we Walk in the Shadow of the Almighty, heh?

:clap:

Prayers definitely continue -- and include brother's family from now on!

[blazer]

So glad you got to see them and they got to hear you preach! That is wonderful! :)

[jwil59]

I was invited to preach at a sister Church in Hughson, Ca. a small community outside of my birth hometown of Modesto. So I contacted my mother and invited her and asked her to let my younger brother know and invite him to bring his family. (I have only met my 15 yr old neice and 8 yr old nephew 4 times) I thought it might be a good chance for them to get to know me a little better and what it is I have been doing. (striving to serve God) I am pleased to share that they all came and stayed the whole day and I think my brother and neice (at least them 2) were under conviction from the messege delivered. keep them in prayer. My mom said she was real proud and surprised at how well I had done. She could barely walk and her health is getting worse each time I see her. Some bridge building has begun but it is only the blueprints at this stage.

It's a start bro. This is so exciting to read about, God working in the lives of the people we love. man that gives me chills

[doodle5]

No idea you are a minister!!

Many prayers.

Carlene

[blazer]

Still praying and proud of you!

[jwil59]

Hey Cbut1 is there a website where I can listen to one of your sermons? I would love to hear you

[doodle5]

My prayers for your MOM and all the family.

Carlene

[USMCmom]

I was invited to preach at a sister Church in Hughson, Ca. a small community outside of my birth hometown of Modesto. So I contacted my mother and invited her and asked her to let my younger brother know and invite him to bring his family. (I have only met my 15 yr old neice and 8 yr old nephew 4 times) I thought it might be a good chance for them to get to know me a little better and what it is I have been doing. (striving to serve God) I am pleased to share that they all came and stayed the whole day and I think my brother and neice (at least them 2) were under conviction from the messege delivered. keep them in prayer. My mom said she was real proud and surprised at how well I had done. She could barely walk and her health is getting worse each time I see her. Some bridge building has begun but it is only the blueprints at this stage.

Sounds like you all had a wonderful day and that the Lord has indeed blessed you!
Take care & God Bless